Zeroes and Ones
By Jfarrell
(“shame on us, doomed from the start,
May god have mercy on our dirty little hearts”
From Nine Inch Nails )
The pain makes me scream, mouth wide open: zero
The music makes me nod up and down in rhythm: one
Exhaled; empty husk; drained: zero
Inhale deep; refresh; life anew: one
Dying from the very start;
From my very first breath until my very last
I was born to die;
Shame on me for never realizing - here and now is all I got.
My very first breath, I screamed mouth wide open: one
My stress makes me jump up and down everywhere: zero
This breath, here and now: one
The pain I use it to bury: zero
All my hopes, dreams, envy, despair…
Shame on me, for the energy I’ve wasted on those
This binary life has more ones than zeroes
I just gotta switch on - not off
Paradigm Shift
By JFarrell
From ‘Superdrunk’ to ‘Superman’ in under a decade
Still going ok after two months;
Still sober, though I sorely wish I wasn’t in this heat.
Still only learnt my one sentence of Arabic
Because my time management, planning and focus
Still need work.
Learnt lots of Modern History and new IT skills (like keyboard shortcuts)
Lost two stone in weight and have had an exercise routine
Established for two weeks, longest ever;
Even trying to get into meditation,
We’ll see if it helps.
Stage 2 starts tomorrow
Finding a job; hopefully that’ll go as smooth as staying sober
Though I’m probably kidding myself if I expect it to.
Trying to change from 20 year drunk into Steve Jobs is hard work
And though I am very frightened –
Everything is ‘if’ right now, with fingers crossed –
If this drunk can hold down a job and not get fired
If I can keep going
If I have the strength, the heart
If…. If…. If… -
It is up to me
The power is in my hands
Now
Nomad
By jfarrell
All my life wandering, travelling
From family home into children’s home
From one to another
Then to my own flat
Which I lost
Homeless
Doorway to subway
Into a hostel
Then another hostel
Followed by 20 years
Of cheap bed-sits
With yellowing, mouldy walls
Breakdown, suicide attempt
Into hospital
For longer than any bedsit
Into a hostel
And still the wandering goes on
Like a nomad
I move from place to place
Searching for the place to stop and stay.
Arrangement in any minor key
By JFarrell
The music is me
Discordant, harsh, out of tune
A roaring cacophony
Ill composed from its beginning
Composed by a loveless mother
Transcribed by a violent father
A minor key
For sadness and pain
Along the way
It’s been added to, altered
Key changes everywhere
By those who consider themselves conductors
But, now
A new instrument has found its voice
From the depths of my soul
Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell
An orchestra of strings hails the now
And is answered by woodwind breaths
The angelic harmony of harp song
Envelopes all
With a life of its own
The music of my soul rewrites me
Rewrites all that I was and have become
I am now a movement in the key of E
Fragments
By JFarrell
I am a whole
Made up of the fragments
That comprise my life
Comprise my experience
All the little broken pieces
Broken by life
Broken by pain
Broken by people
One whole, broken into a thousand pieces
Each piece, each fragment
Similarly broken into a thousand shards
All little stabs of pain
Like a jigsaw puzzle
I have spent my life
Reassembling the pieces
Fitting all the components together
Thousands of fragments
Painstakingly rearranged
Unerringly placed
To, once again, make me whole.
The 21st Day - Sober
By jfarrell
Day 21 been very ok,
Other than the ‘I am God, nothing can touch me’ bit
Which I just stare stupified at;
I don’t even believe in god
How can I be god?
Ah, forget it
I suppose we all go through that bit getting sober.
Day 16 was nuclear bomb wanting to go off
The terrorist attack on a kids concert
For multiple reasons
A fuse was lit and spent all next day burning
Until boom!
You wouldn’t believe how destructive
An explosion of poetry can be
After that I went to bed knowing I had changed the world
Fell asleep thinking “is this how it feels to be god?, disappointing,
I thought there’d be more rainbows.”
And woke up to an email saying “congratulations on your new job;
You are god.”
I am still sober, day 21 now
Last few days been easy
In a way I can’t explain,
And don’t trust;
If it weren’t for the god complex bit,
I’d be feeling very happy now;
Instead, cant help but feel a little….. concerned?…… worried?…
It doesn’t matter
I’m sober and I’m still standing :)
Thanks for your support everyone :)
Shame
By JFarrell
My shame stops.
Now!
Yes, I took the sweets
I was six years old
And I didn’t know what he wanted.
The scumbag raped me
But I am finished being ashamed for that.
I did not ruin my uncle’s wedding
Destroy his marriage
His scumbag friend
Was the rapist
I did not live up to my father’s expectations;
A cowardly drunk
Who beat his wife and kids
To feel like a man.
I took a lot of blame for my family
Sorry
No more
Find a new scapegoat.
The only thing I have to be ashamed of
Is that I let you hand me the blame;
And I am so through with that.
Becoming
By Jfarrell
What the hell am I becoming?
And will I be good or bad?
Full of love or full of hate?
Will I make things better or burn it all down?
I guess
We’ll have to wait and see.
I was a lot of things;
A drunk,
A chronic depressive,
A coward
An insignificant failure.
But,
I am changing
Becoming
Something
Else
Something
Different.
Let’s hope it’s something good
Healing the world
Giving love and hope in abundance.
I hope
I am becoming WORTHY;
Worthy of the love of my heart’s desire,
Worthy to take my place amongst my fellow humans
Worthy of my love
Yes,
I hope I am
Becoming WORTHY.
The Edge
By JFarrell
We stand here, on the edge,
What do you want to do?
Turn back and run away?
Take my hand and jump?
I leave the decision to you,
And I will be by your side.
But,
Take a moment….
Close your eyes….
Take a deep breath…
Can you hear it?
The blood rushing through your head?
That is the sound of everything.
Listen to it,
Feel it.
Badoom- whoosh, badoom-whoosh.
It pulses with your heartbeat.
That is the sound of the beginning
And the end
All of eternity
Rushing through your ears.
All that was, is
And is to come
Is in that sound.
Here,
At the edge
What do you want to do?
Take my hand
And choose.
I will never let you go.