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The pain of being left behind has lingered inside you for years, years, years.

 

So you thought the patrons berating me weren’t bad enough, nuff, nuff.

 

I had open wounds all over my body.

 

And you dumped a bucket of salt on them.

 

You knew perfectly well how hurt I was before that.

 

Yet you tie a leash on my neck and commanded me to listen

 

Like the dog I was when I barked back at you.

 

 

 

No matter what my decision was, I was going to lose to you.

 

My attachment to you was the perfect gun for you to fire

 

Because it was loaded with the tablets that nearly did you in.

 

On that fateful day, you survived and I thought that true love was out of my reach.

 

You would have had the last laugh, but several days later, the joke’s on you.

 

I’m someone else’s now so tough luck and good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

 

You say you’re free of me,

 

Yet your memories of me have locked you up

 

and thrown away the key.

 

 

I know that because you have loads of trouble letting go of the past.

 

 

You can vent ‘til the cows come home that I never
made time for you, you, you!

 

Everything has to be about me, me, me!

 

But that was only the surface you scratched.

 

That’s the furthest you ever went.

 

It says more about you than me.

 

Hell, a beefcake could clear his schedule for you better than I can.

 

 

But his chivalry might be aggressive mimicry.

 

 

 

If he breaks your heart, it ain’t my problem.

 

Now that I’m out of your reach, you can’t touch me.

 

I’m mingling with the losers like I’m dancing in a nightclub in Italy.

 

It was a wakeup call to screw your shade

 

Because one of them loves everything about me.

 

 

It’s not looking the other way. It’s enjoying the person I was born to be.

 

 

 

 

Every day I don’t look you up online

Nor read your old messages, my memories of you hurt less and less.

While I can visualize you a decade from now

Still being stroppy about the delusion that I never cared for you.

Who knows? You could call me a cunt and still claim part of you loves me.

And you’re sorry it had to be this way.

 

But… fuck no! Let’s be real. You’re not sorry. No aspect of you loves me.

 

 

You played the sarcasm card on me. So how about a taste of your own medicine for a change?

Good luck becoming a psychologist with the attitude of a wack job.

Good luck getting that degree while you throw a fit on every single assignment you get.

Good luck handing that very same garbage you threw at me to a couple getting a divorce.

I can’t wait to see a patient badmouth you on Reddit and turn you into a court jester.

Maybe I did learn a lesson from you after all;

Knowing when it is time to let go and never come back.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qbpaz-u5WIE

 

"oh, it was a horrible wrongdoing!

you should have been there,

the way he spoke to her, 

after all she had gone through,

it made everyone want to 

hang him...see him suffer good!

and what about the mother?

she was just as bad...

whacked out crack whore

too busy to even feed her own baby!

what should we do?

i say DEMAND an apology!

HANG the son-of-a-bitches,

but first make them suffer good!

why should we tolerate this crudity?

we ALL deserve an apology

at the very least! 

who do they think they are?

don't they realize we are human beings?

we are deserving of RESPECT!!

the way they spoke to us is just plain wrong!!

we can't let them think they can get away with this!"

 

****************************

 

i listen to the words 

of a small group of people

outside in the hallway

of the municipal court building 

whilst waiting patiently 

to pay my traffic ticket.

i am eavesdropping, yes,

one of the habits i have, 

mostly due to my joy for people-watching.

but in this case, 

also due to the fact that

i am upset with myself at the moment,

because one ticket in 12 years

has spurred me into a multi-faceted

voyage of self-introspection

that has now lasted for the past 3 weeks,

as getting tickets 

has always been my 

'personal summons' as well as 

the financial penalty it so kindly

lavishes on my ever-dwindling checking account.

 

as a means to briefly escape 

beating myself up for the past 3 weeks,

i take a short glimpse 

into a different outlook

on the moment,

as i indulge in my own 

little secret self-righteousness,

playing both judge and jury

on the indignant ones next to me in the hallway,

and reach an opinion of their complaints.

 

it goes like this:

first of all,lady, i don't know 

what happened here,

but have you read the sign on the building

that says 'municipal court'? 

that sort of means this is not a huge deal,

and the reason it isn't is because 

this town is full of people just like you,

who think we have nothing better to do here

except have 'group therapy' all freaking day long.

 

second of all, you with the demand sign 

and noose in your back pocket--

get a dam* grip on yourself,

before you die from your own mortification,

because it might come to your surprise,

that you aren't the first person in the world

to have someone call you out--

happens every day, you're just too self absorbed 

to notice when it happens around you to others,

and furthurmore, the entire thing about 

being a human being means that

nobody's flawless, so get over it, pal.

 

thirdly, not to make this a family gathering,

but all of your mothers must have 

had one too many, the night before she 

packed your 'social skills survival kit',

because she obviously forgot to tell you

that respect is a two way street,

and it doesn't happen just because 

somebody did something wrong to you,

it's something you create with others,

and most times you create more of it for yourself

through your example of being it, 

than you ever could with demands--

that's just the way it works.

so if you're saying you need an apology to 

act like a decent respectful human being,

shame on you, i am embarrassed to 

share the species with you, little miss perfect---

 

---and now I have to take a recess 

because they just called my name!!

 

as i walk towards the door, 

one of the women in the group

taps me on the arm. she holds in her hand two 

shiny pennies, and looks up at me

saying, 'did you drop this'?

i look at her and can't help smiling a little,

'no, honey, i gave my two cents, that's for you'. 

with a puzzled look on her face, i make 

my way past and into the courtroom.

 

never did have to pay for that ticket.

turns out, the first ticket is considered 

a second chance here... love it!

 

Court Is Adjourned!!

 

 

12:43 AM 7/2/2013 

Kept until the age moving is a chore,

you just want to be free again.

Everyday you give but a bit more,

umtil you can no longer refrain.

 

Behavioral changes can be observed,

and inferred the end's coming.

Controversy is to or not to end her,

but in both, deaths call is humming.

 

You've been withered by old age,

your fur more fragile with each breath.

Refused to turn to a new days page,

you deny life, end in watery death.

 

After the end, you're burnt to utter black,

your death sentence now cracked, shatters.

Shoved in a box, dignity you hopelessly lack;

now nothings's left, and now nothing matters.

 

Gone from this world, and never coming back,

but in my mind sits the vivid memory.

Of the one who I miss everyday and night,

my long gone, dead dog, my poor little Annie.

Courage: Oxford dictionary defines courage as "strength in the face of pain or grief".

  To me, courage sounds like a very powerful entity, and yet, I cannot help but to ask myself how something can be so strong...so brave...and at times, so fragile amongst the mighty beasts that surround it, and seek to nullify its righteousness---the beasts of arrogance...anger...blame... irresponsibility...emptiness...shame, and the burning desire to live, or...to die.

...ego.

Courage is like the savior of mankind, the hero within us all, and yet it is most often, the outward manifestation of bringing our deepest fears into the light. It lay in waiting for us to reach towards as we walk the pathless land to truth. It summons us quietly among the other more dominant pleasures of human existence, to accept our flesh and blood mortality, and also the immortality of things unseen. When it arrives from a pure place, unincumbered by the beasts that can often burden us, it is the path to our greatest love for each other. It sometimes ruthlessly opens the door of a Pandora's Box within our minds, hearts, and souls, in a way that helps us overcome the fears within us, and also those around us.

 

   I was told that faith, hope, trust, courage, and charity are virtues, if our hearts are open to love without expectations, wants, and demands.

 

So here is a poem about courage.

 

I still remember the very first kiss,
I never imagined it would ever get like this,
So many good days, so many bad,
So many now I wish I had.

 

You always said I'd be the one to leave,
I would never have thought fate had this up it's sleeve,
Twinkling eyes that light fire in my soul,
A stubbornness only I can cajole.

 

Eight years ago on that very first meeting,
I couldn't imagine today...my heart bleeding,
But oh, the memories, the mornings of love,
The evenings of romance, like heaven above.

 

So now as you lay next to me,
Beautiful and free,
You can't hear my tears,
Or my pleads to speak to me.

 

Your new life is calling,
I was told this would be hard,
But I never had fathomed,
Love would deal me this card.

 

I remember the talks about leaving this way,
I knew you didn't want this, my love...what can I say?
I loved you so deeply, I just could not bear,
To let go of you...please, do remember how much that I care.

 

So, I press the red button,
The shrillness of the alarm,
I watch as your heartbeat slows down,
...no harm.

 

I lean towards you gently,
Give you one last kiss,
It feels just like the first time, my love...
         ....breathless.

 

© 2013