Not ready to leave my crutch behind!

Not ready to leave my crutch behind!    

i dont remember when I started but to me it will always be
ive spent so many years with it that its become such a part of me
and the thought of giving it up completely really blows my mind
im scared to even think about it not ready to leave my crutch behind
when things got to stressful it was always there to calm me down
especialy whenever my ex got to be too much it had been around
always there when stress came about and helped me to unwind
nothing else has ever helped im not ready to leave my crutch behind
and no matter what the risk is i dont think i can ever let it go
but when i do think on it too much i panic more then you know
i might be able to give it up someday because its kept me so confined
but for now its here to stay not ready to leave my crutch behind

 Zoey cup

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i wrote this one for myself maybe someday i can give up that crutch, one can only hope.     Zoey cup

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Treading Water


Sometimes I go back to that place.

The one I





Where I stood

in the sand

in the moss

in the grass

scattered with candy wrappers.


Where she left me

in the dark

and left herself again.


Where I was made

and everything broke.


Sometimes I go back to when

they would splash so I could hear them,

barely above water,

from where I stood in that lake

my feet on the ground.


I don’t want to leave the ground.


I should have left the ground that night.


The night I could not

love her and

keep her safe.


But in my head I’m still under four feet tall

and the water closes over my head

the diving board is

miles away.

I can’t tell how much I’m willing to give.


Drowning doesn’t seem real

until you want me to make it out there

and I am gasping as my mouth fills with

possible endings instead of air.


I run too fast when things get real,

treading water in time.

I swam out to the dock

for you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 7/17/19

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Jumping Out Windows


Did I tell you something too freeing

Did I sing you a soundtrack

before you heard it

Because I think I saw you in the distance

and I’m dreaming like

I will never run out of time.


I have words I use too much

and ones I’ll never say

but I would sooner explode with empty

than take it all in

and never exhale.


Did you touch me somehow

before I thought you did

because I never liked

holding this space

so I was looking for

hands that fit mine

and I have stopped



Have you read everything in me

Because I’m dreaming like my heart’s

jumping out windows

It’s like you told me recently

to cross the ocean for you

and I know as soon as I did

I would not fall in love with the airplane

but with what surrounds it

this blue I can almost touch.


Did I tell you I need you

Did I say something wrong

or something right

Did I sing some kind of truth

Because I’m dreaming like

forever is tomorrow

and even if I’m shattering

I still might see the stars


isn’t that how they say

this wonderful world began?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/6/18

Thanks for reading :)

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Let Me In


I’ve got


like I’ve got


too many

to count

that I won’t

ever know


I don’t


for just


when I don’t

think it

could be




but I ended

up breathing

on a breeze

while you

passed through

the current

at lightspeed


I don’t

run down

just any


looking for

just any


or crack

I could




I could

have fallen

in love with


if you had

just left

that door


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/2/17

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Overthinking sitting here

with her

I can’t help but scribble

I don’t

miss you

I miss the idea

of you, I

thought I missed



I feel like I should

miss the way

you told me

your best lies

things you cast

into the woodwork

and I didn’t even get to watch them

go up in flames


But now I can use

your chair in my brain

to keep

more of

how I want to learn her

relearn her

with my hands and head


Every off

beat of her songs

Every beginning

I carve into tree trunks

Every moment that makes

something a little bit better

Every what about us


I keep


the list of

things I don’t know at all


like how to say

I love you

and not feel like

something’s lost


But there’s still

something brighter than

I can say,

something to kill kickstart my heart,

something about

saying it out loud,


you caught me


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/30/17

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I glance over at you and it feels like

you are my oldest friend,

like we have never met

and I want to trace every letter you ever write.


This room is just a room

and we are the miracles.


I breathe in and it hits me

how completely in love with you I am.

If you are asleep I want to be asleep.

If you are awake I want to be awake.

When your lips part I want to be kissing you,

when you are close to me I want to be on the edge with you,

if you are skydiving I want to see the world with you.


I want so much to be

as beautiful as I think this is

and normal and better and worse and immortal,

to talk all the right ways,

to answer all the right questions,

I want so much to be your forever.


But the things that I wish for are rarely within my control.


You have made a list of things I can’t do,

I have added to it,

scribbled all my wishes on my bedside table in the middle of the night

and crossed them out in the morning.


It’s dangerous falling in love with life

when it can be ripped from you so fast.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/2/17

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I always end up falling for people who love stargazing.


Maybe it’s because

I see the sky like a warning.


Maybe it’s because

at good times for stargazing

I am looking forward,

I run on burning concrete so I don’t feel numb.


Maybe it’s because

those stars are too bright to hear my voice

so I sneak it in between the voids

when I’m lying in your arms

looking up.


I always end up falling for stargazers.


Maybe it’s because

I’m always looking down,

afraid of slipping,

terrified of the gravity


that will catch me if I take a risk.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/25/17

The Planted Seed

Perverse & Bazaar
erotic vein
coursing through
 burning wet sex
driven deep 
through her spine.
The dice
the table
nightfall and lady luck
swing from the moon
winning fought 
her thoughtless 
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The game/The risk

If I give you my heart
Will you stomp on it
Will you smash it to bits
Will you destroy it til I’m no longer anything
But broken shards and tears
Will you crush it in your palm
Or make me feel sad, mad and broken
Will you bring me to tears and exploit all my fears
Will you hold it and treasure it
And never let it go
Will you love it
And keep it
Safe from all harm
Will you hide it away
From all pain and misfortune
And shelter it in your embrace
Will you underestimate it’s value
Keep it halfheartedly
Leave it around
Forget about it’s scarring
As the stitches that hold it together
Slowly fall out.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

as per usual I'd love any sort of feedback

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