Sometimes I go back to that place.
The one I
love
love
hate.
Where I stood
in the sand
in the moss
in the grass
scattered with candy wrappers.
Where she left me
in the dark
and left herself again.
Where I was made
and everything broke.
Sometimes I go back to when
they would splash so I could hear them,
barely above water,
from where I stood in that lake
my feet on the ground.
I don’t want to leave the ground.
I should have left the ground that night.
The night I could not
love her and
keep her safe.
But in my head I’m still under four feet tall
and the water closes over my head
the diving board is
miles away.
I can’t tell how much I’m willing to give.
Drowning doesn’t seem real
until you want me to make it out there
and I am gasping as my mouth fills with
possible endings instead of air.
I run too fast when things get real,
treading water in time.
I swam out to the dock
for you.