Dom/sub vs Top/bottom

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


Here is how I classify the often misunderstood differences between the two:


Top/bottom = Roles in a scene (or play partnership). No emphasis on power exchange unless negotiated otherwise. Both Top and/or bottom can make decisions.


Dom/sub = Roles in power exchange (most usually in a relationship). And the "relationship" could be as short as a single scene or as long as a lifetime partnership. Dom makes the decisions after sub sets the parameters and gives over control.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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My D/s Philosophy

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


I have often heard submissive women say: "I am a sub, but I don't submit to just anyone."


Well, let me let you in on a little secret... I will dominate pretty much anyone who allows me! (This doesn't mean just anyone can be my submissive, however)


I used to have the opinion that I could not label myself a "Dom" unless someone was actively submitting to me. I felt unless my dominance was consensually agreed upon by a submissive actively submitting to me, that my "domination" would be non-consensual. But I have had a change of heart. I have now decided that if there is no one actively submitting to me, I can still be "dominant" because I have chosen to subject that control over myself.


That is very consensual!


I control and do the things I want, therefore I am dominant! It is a sort of "dominant masturbation" if you insist on naming it.


So, yes...man, woman, trans; straight, gay, bi, pan-- it makes no difference: I will dominate you--if you allow me to.


Here is why it is so easy for me: In my vision and understanding of D/s, the Dom decides what happens after the sub sets forth the parameters. Since everyone has something to offer me, if I am the one making the decisions about what those somethings are, it may not please the submissive or be their cup of tea, but if it fits within the agreed upon parameters, I will gladly dominate you if you let me!


Now, that being said, I believe the act of submission is an amazing gift for any Daddy, Dom or Master to cherish.


Yeah, I said it. I value it as an amazing gift. Here I’ll say it again:


"submission is a gift"


If you, as the submissive, don’t see it that way, then fine; but if you expect me to devalue it by not considering it as such, it means you are topping from the bottom.


By the way, there is actually nothing wrong with "topping from the bottom." It is actually how Top/bottom encounters should work.


"Dominating while submitting" is a different story. Remember, I do not expect anyone (regardless of how submissive they are) to submit to me. It’s a gift. One must not expect gifts.


For those of you who think that me considering submission as a gift is placing the sub above the Dom, I didn't do that at all. "Dominance" is a gift too. Dom and sub are equals.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

circa 2012

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How I Learned to be Dominant Without Someone Actively Submitting to Me

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


My old theory that I am "not a Dom unless someone is actively submitting to me" I have found to be false.


I am Dominant because I express dominant qualities and character traits and strive to be in control. This is true regardless of whether or not someone is submitting to me.


Before this realization, the statement "I will dominate/control anyone who allows me" made me feel like I was dependent on the sub "making" me or worse yet, "validating" me as a Dominant.


Now I understand that I don't need anyone submitting to me. The mere fact that I am selective in doing the domination (towards only those who agree to submit to me) means I am exercising restraint and control on myself. And that is always the goal of any Dom, to first be in control of himself before controlling others. I am dominant because I am almost always in the mindset to dominate and control.


This epiphany happened yesterday at the bar. A group of my friends were sitting around the table talking. There were some empty dinner plates on the table that were sort of in the way. Automatically I picked them up and cleared them from the table.


Seeing an action that is quite often attributed to someone in a submissive role, a kinky guy at the table said:


"So, DaddyO's being submissive now, huh?"


I thought long and hard. "No, this was not an act of submission on my part at all."


I chose to clear the plates away.


It was something I wanted


...and I delegated the clearing of the plates to the person most willing and open to the task: myself!


I trust this new way of thinking will help me appreciate people who do "short acts of submission and bottoming to me" even more.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Why D/s Really is S/d

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


I quite often hear submissive women uttering things like:


"I don't submit to just anyone."


Well I pretty much dominate just anyone...if they allow it! 


That is the big difference between Dominance and submission.


The submissive DOES have the power. Pure and simple.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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There is Indeed One True Definition for Submissive

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


When you utter "one twue way" when mocking people's definition of submission, you are crusading for ambiguity surrounding its definition and this may not have the desired effects you hope.


"One twue way" basically says: "There is no true way to submit!"




Let us look at the dictionary definition:

sub·mit [səbˈmit] verb

Accept or yield to the authority or will of another person.


sub·mis·sion [səbˈmiSHən] noun

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to the will or authority of another person.


What we really should be mocking:

I am not saying that the countless ways dominance and submission are carried out and displayed should be rigidly defined. The specifics to what requests are to be obeyed, the nuances regarding discipline, what roles the one in the submissive role agrees to fill and exactly what the one in the dominant role may control are as endless as there are individual people.


Therefore it becomes asinine to label any D/s relationship the "one true way."


Let me make this clear, I am only saying it is unwise to mock the definition of what submission is.


There is only one true way a person can submit: By accepting or yielding to another person's authority and/or will; essentially by doing what they've been instructed to do.


The particular desires and commands of the person in the dominant role being fulfilled and obeyed are what constitutes whether or not it is submission. No one is blindly implying these desires are kind, fair, compassionate or even practical. They may not even be possible! But that doesn't change the definition of submission. It simply exposes whether or not the person in the dominant role is a selfish prick.


If the requirements of the one in the dominant role are too demanding, triggering, strenuous, traumatizing or unfair, the one hoping to submit SHOULD NOT DO IT! It's not a fit.


But having an asshole Dom or relationships not being a fit doesn't change what the definition of submission is. But it certainly should influence a person's decision regarding submission.


Why it is important to have a clear definition


In BDSM, since we are conceptualizing a relationship based on "D/s" it is important that we have a very clear definition as to what we're referencing by the letters "D" and "s."


I consider it a disservice to people wanting to submit to be given vague definitions for the very thing they claim to want to do. Unless it is clearly defined, how is one to aspire to do it?


The demands of the Dom do not change the definition of the word

Choosing not to submit doesn't mean you are "wrong" or a "bad submissive." It simply means you are unwilling to submit to the requirements that particular person has set forth. Making judgments on the requirements of the one you've placed in the dominant role is essential in deciding whether or not you should submit.


Making sound judgments are also important to avoid any D/s arrangement from becoming unintentionally abusive or unknowingly non-consensual. This is why the one submitting is equipped with the ultimate power to decide on whether or not to submit.


In addition to judging the moral merits of the requests for submission, the one in the submissive role has to decide to what degree their obedience to the one in the dominant role's requests are hampering or enhancing their own pleasure, because we know that the one in the dominant role's pleasure is being fulfilled.


Because no one in the dominant role is perfect, the person wanting to submit may at times rightly choose to disobey. In these scenarios the disobedience is a virtuous decision. Justified. Moral. Right. But not submission.


No one in the submissive role is perfect either, therefore someone submitting may at times wrongly disobey.


But before passing judgment or taking any agreed upon disciplinary action, the one in the dominant role should review whether or not it fits within everyone's negotiated boundaries.


The choices regarding virtuous disobedience and disciplinary actions ideally should be done using non-violent communication techniques. Whether it's with a safe word or by direct communication depends on how communication within the relationship dynamic is set up.


No one needs to submit. And there is nothing wrong with not submitting to someone. Only when you've agreed to submit and then don't, is when it becomes disobedience. 


The decision to submit or not places the ultimate control firmly in the hands of the one accepting the submissive role.


People labeling themselves "Submissive" often add the disclaimer:


"I am submissive...but not to just anyone"

This is dangerous because indeed there is no "twue sub" definition. What exactly does being "a Submissive" mean?

Well it could be...

"I choose to submit to _____."

"I enjoy doing acts of service for people."

"I enjoy submitting when it's someone I care for."

"I wish to submit to my lover as an act of love."

"In life I find I like to follow more than lead."

"I like to give up control in the bedroom."

None of the above.

Something else entirely!

More than likely it doesn't mean...


"I submit to everyone."

But it could! Especially to the "twue Doms" out there, which includes uneducated newbies, abusers, predators and other horny and sadistic guys.

So the need for this disclaimer would be eliminated if we weren't so vague as to what the definition of submission is. The word should seldom be used as an adjective, and using it as a descriptive noun is even more dangerous, considering the multiple dimensions surrounding the dynamics kinky relationships take on (of which D/s is only one of).


If one still must choose to identify that way, clarification becomes a huge responsibility both for the Submissive (to define) and for anyone wanting to dominate them (to understand).


Practicing submission doesn't require a "Dominant", but it does require judgment as to who a person wishes to submit to and to which things fall within everyone's boundaries.


Regardless of how "dominant" people you encounter are, everyone has things they want other people to do for them. Therefore we all have choices to make as to how much submission we want to give of ourselves towards someone else.


How much submission?

Submission assigns significance to the one who is acting in a dominant role by validating them and placing value on their wishes. Therefore the one in the dominant role is required to make sure their requests are worthy.


Notice the key words here:






These words are traditionally cherished by those in submissive roles, but I believe they are just as vital to the happiness of people in dominant roles too.


That's the beautiful thing about submissive actions: they assign value to others. Making judgments to submit to someone places a value upon that person, and therefore becomes an amazing way to demonstrate love towards them; especially for those who value being valued!


Not all love is submissive

I have had people who wish to submit to me do things thinking they are being submissive towards me. Their actions were sweet. They were kind. They were useful. They were even done with a submissive intent. But they were not acts of submission because there were not things I had requested.


Again, just because these actions did not fall within the definition of "submission" it does not diminish their importance. They were just a different type of endearment.


Taking off another person's shoes when asked is a submissive act. Putting them away when you noticed they were left in the middle of the room isn't.


If the one in the dominant role values one of these actions higher or lower that the other it doesn't change the definition of submission, it just means that one of the actions was deemed more important.



There is no "one twue Dom" or "one twue sub" but there sure as hell is one true definition for submitting.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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A Plea to Stop Calling it a "D/s Relationship"

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


Something I wished I'd learned at the beginning of my kink journey is that the archetype we call the "D/s Relationship" is not the way we all have to model our relationships on.


Dom/sub is only one small option in this whole wide world of kinky sex!
I regret many of the missteps I made early on attempting to dominate a bottom or masochist when in truth she was just seeking a playmate to top her. Many of my early play partners, who were just as new as I was, simply defaulted to a foreign "submissive" role because they felt that was the expectation, or worse yet, didn't realize they had any other options.


Sure, dominance was what I ultimately desired, and submission may have been her eventual desire too, but neither of us had even remotely mastered topping and bottoming. So what business did either of us have catapulting into those roles so early?


Websites like Collarme.com didn't help any, giving you "Dom", "sub" and "switch" as the only choices to identify. FetLife at least allows you to put down "top" and "bottom" as your role, but they still don't allow you to put that down in the "looking for" section. Heck they don't even allow you to be looking for a "Dom" or "Domme", opting instead for "Master/Mistress" and "sub/slave." Why they even have a "looking for" section in one's profile is odd, since they always claim to not be a hook-up site!


A Lifetime Relationship (LTR)
A Relationship
A Mentor/Teacher
Someone To Play With
A Princess By Day, Slut By Night
A Master
A Mistress
A sub
A slave


Now that I am six years into my journey, when newbies ask, I always suggest to the s-types they should learn to bottom long before tackling submission. Just as d-types should hone their topping skills before attempting to dominate.


So why do we automatically call pairings in the kink world "D/s" or "power exchange" when they often are just kinky people topping and bottoming?
No, D/s and M/s are amazing ways to practice kink, but they are not the template we all should adhere to and certainly NOT the catch phrase kinksters should label WIITWD.


Once educated, many people find they're comfortable remaining in the top/bottom, sadist/masochist or (in my case) the Daddy/babygirl dynamic.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Can You Submit to Me?

DaddyO's BDSM

a rebuttal by DaddyO

You can’t submit to me, can you?


For I need you to respect, honor and obey me. I want you to submit to my will for our mutual benefit. Can you do that for me?


I am not a service Top, but I am a service Dom. This means I do want what you want, I just want it played out the way I want it, and done the ways I desire.


I do not want the person who submits to me to be intellectually inferior. I prefer to consider each of us intellectual equals who may just have different knowledge to offer in unique areas and who can learn from one another.


I want someone who is proud to serve me. I want someone who will stand beside me as comfortably as she kneels before me. I want to not only help you grow in your submission to me, but for each of us to help one another grow in our deepening D/s connection.


I want you to be obedient to me. If I make unfair requests, call me on it. But as the person you submit too, I don’t want to have to prove myself any more than I already have in order to earn your submission, nor do I want to force myself by using violence or physical means to get you to obey me. These methods may be used as ways to dominate you in physical S&M scene play, but logic and reason should be the only weapons needed to gain your obedience.


Both of our lives at times have been car crashes, and we have had our share of bad luck, but under my direction I want to take charge and start making decisions that will uplift both of us. This truly excites me. All it takes is for you to allow me to do truly do that. Please do not retreat as soon as it starts to feel uncomfortable and you sense me exerting more control.


I am a "Daddy" Dom and therefore playful and sometimes juvenile. Yes I play games and the world is my playground. Especially FetLife. I want you to be submissive and enjoy that playful attitude with me. That is one huge reason I desire the babygirl archetype.


Yes, I am a hedonist, so my preferences change depending on who I am hitting on. This is because each and every person is different and I see different roles for everyone in our lives. This applies not just to our lovers either. Every person in our lives has different things to offer us and different temperaments for us to adjust to and utilize.


Sometimes these lovers and play partners will seem to directly benefit me more than you. Other times it will be obvious I am arranging encounters for your paramount enjoyment. It matters not who benefits more, for in our polyamorous arrangement both your happiness and pleasure and my happiness and pleasure equally benefit our D/s partnership. Due to our D/s arrangement, and for me to successfully display compersive feelings, all such decisions must be made by me.


I want someone to submit to me who is fully aware of my wants and needs and knows exactly how to meet them. I think I spell them out pretty clearly, and when I don't, I am more than willing to take the blame for less than stellar communication.


I want my food cooked the way I want it cooked, not the way you think I would like it. I want your perfume to be the perfume I pick out for you, not the perfume you feel good wearing because it is a popular brand. I want your hair to be the length I want to see it at even if you like it better a different way.


Yes, I want to know when you are uncomfortable doing something for me, or if you are allergic to the perfume I choose for you, or if you don't know the recipe for a food I enjoy. And you can give me all kinds of input that you don't think you look good with long hair, but I want it to be clear, I want to be the one making that decision. More often than not I will make the decision you also want. Remember my statement earlier about being a "service Dom"?


I offer consistency. This is extremely difficult for me to do when you change your mind about how much dominance you will allow me. If that is always fluctuating, I cannot be consistent in my domination. I need consistency from you too.


I want commitment. I need to know I’m part of something. Just as you desire the knowledge that I am there for you to build you up and quell your insecurities, I need to know you are counting on me to make those important decisions for us.


I need someone to dominate, and to be able to give and deny you things. Yes, sometimes you must sacrifice. The responsibility is mine. I want to be the one to accept the responsibility and in doing so when things work out positively, you will get the accolades. When things work out less fortunate, then I will take the blame. Submit and give it to me! Allowing me to be the decision maker for us completes our D/s dynamic.


I do not like subtle attempts at manipulation one minute and then when I hold fast to my word, hearing cries of "you don't compromise", the next.

And I am sick of my many attempts to show true rational compromise going unrecognized, or worse yet, being denied they even happen.


I need the person I dominate to understand what honor is and to always act honorably towards me.


Please respect me in public.


Do not interrupt me or answer questions that I have asked another person. I may want to know what that person's answer was. When I want your opinion or answer to a question, I will surely ask it. And you know I quite often do!

Respect me on FetLife. Do not post things contradictory to me. If I say something you disagree with, come to me and discuss it.


Respect me among our friends. Defend my opinions and decisions or keep quiet and consult with me in private.


Honesty is so important; whether good or bad. I need to know the person I dominate will tell me the truth when I ask her for her opinion, and not just what she thinks I want to hear.


So that’s why I’ll wait and hold steady until this person comes along or someone I already know hones these traits and displays them to me.



*Fetlife specific reasons


I want you to enjoy my cock all the time. Not just when it is inside you hitting your G-spot. Not just when it is hard. Please respect my issues with erectile dysfunction and the fact that I am of average to below average size, and realize that though my insecurities are many I still feel confident enough to display my sexuality freely online just as any other person. Why is it that when a chubby woman poses naked it is deemed as promoting "positive body image" but when a chubby man with an average to below average size penis displays himself in an artistic manner, it isn't?


I also enjoy putting pictures up of my various play partners, and aftermath of play scenes both past and present. This shows my playfulness, diversity, fetishes, interests, the skills and techniques I have developed and the creativity I have displayed. Displaying photos of my various BDSM play partners and their marks and hot artistic action images attracts those who are also exhibitionists and is not only a fetish of mine, but is in line with being open, honest and not deceptive. Sure, to others it appears as I am boasting of my "conquests." But when have I ever made that declaration? If you don't want to be a member of that club, then I don't want you to be my submissive.

Author's Notes/Comments: 



A compliment piece to

"Why I couldn't submit to you"

by goodghirl

I can’t submit to you

I need to respect, honour and obey someone I submit to and I couldn’t do that with you.

I need the person I submit too, to be my intellectual superior and someone I can learn from, someone I’m proud to serve and who will help me grow as a person, as his person.

I want to be obedient to someone I submit too, I don’t want to have to bait him to dominate me.

You’re life is a car crash, you think you’ve been unlucky. I think you’ve made bad decisions again and again

You’re a man child – I don’t want to be submissive/Mommy

You’re preferences change depending on who you’re hitting on sometimes at the same time, I want someone I submit to, who is fully aware of his wants and needs and knows how to have them met.

I need consistency

I need commitment, I need to know I’m part of something, working to stay there.

I need someone I submit to, to be able to deny me things even when he would get something from it because it’s the best thing for us.

I could manipulate you into anything I wanted.

I need someone I submit to, to understand honour and act with it always. Even when it’s not the easy road.

Honesty is so important good or bad, I need to know the person I serve when I ask them for their opinion they will tell me the truth not what they think I want to hear.

So that’s why I’ll wait and hold steady till the time is right.

*Fetlife specific reasons

I know what your cock looks like, this isn’t a size problem, the fact I know what your cock looks like shows a lack of judgement, put some clothes on.

Thinking that having pictures of lots of ex’s on your profile somehow makes you more attractive, it doesn’t I don’t want to be a member of that club.*

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Fools Rush in

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO

I ascertain that submissives are way more selective in exerting their submission than we Dominants are at giving our gift of domination.


My goal is to be at least as selective in exercising my dominance as submissives are in giving theirs.


It sounds strange, but a very recent realization I have discovered is that the less dominance you grant and the less submission you demand from a submissive, the more submission she wants to give you.


Do not demand submission, receive it!


Herein lies the problem. If this was the case, you could almost go around being passive to everyone and become the best damn Dom in the community! And many of the best Doms in the community are introverted. 


DaddyO the extrovert has a much more difficult time. The extrovert by nature puts everything he does under a self-inflicted microscope. So there obviously has to be a tipping point. And that's where the subtle nuances of aggressor vs. assertive; predator vs. friendly and inviting and cool confidence vs. asshole reside.


So like any other element of BDSM, work within the confines of what you are granted and don't demand anything more.


"Fools rush in..."

To a sub, a Dom who takes things slow and appears to give more thought and care to his actions will seem more attractive than a hasty Dom.


"...where angels fear to tread."

A submissive who asks for a lot of dominance from me from the get go is going to get my attention and seem more attractive than a submissive who takes things slow is.


Be direct and assertive in the dominance you are entrusted with but never expect to be given control over anything.


Act like it, however.


Dom: "Would you like to do this for me?"


Sub: "Yes Sir, I would."


Dom: "Okay someday maybe I will let you."


...is much more effective than...


Dom: "Do this for me, or else!"

(Well, except in erotic fantasy novels) 

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Gifts to Give Your Top to Make Your Bottoming Experience Better

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO

Show Trust:

Yes, I know, it's a well-known fact that trust needs to be earned. But it also can be given freely. Now if you have reason to not trust me, for gods sake let your concern be heard! Remember, if your trust is betrayed, it is on my conscience (and resume), and you need not feel any guilt. The only time you should feel guilt is when you have not communicated accurately.


Provide Clarity:

Do not be vague. This is especially important in negotiation. And in regards to the negotiation of triggers, it's even more vitally important.


Allow Control:

If you want me to take you, use you , lead you, and show you a good experience, then let go of your control. That's what power exchange is all about. If you have a problem doing that, should you even be playing with me to begin with?


Be Respectful:

I am not taking about bowing, kneeling, curtseying, or following any kind of protocol. Unless it is a negotiated kink, I do not want to be referred to as anything but an equal. But please do not show me disrespect. If you want me to be in the dominant head space, please show me the respect to confirm and stick to our plan, return my communications, and offer proactive communication. Me being in dominant head space makes my scene more exciting, provides me with the confidence I need to give you the sort of scene you have always dreamt about!


Act Joyful:

There is a good chance you don't need me to top you to make you happy. In fact if that was the case you might feel you are in a dangerous situation. But I do feel joy when topping. I do get happier when I scene. It is a simple mathematical equation. Scening with you does provide joy to me. So please don't hold it back!


Keep Commitments:

You want me as your Top to keep my commitments, right? You want me to respect your limits, and not disrespect your boundaries, so don't make halfhearted promises to scene and then change your mind! Or if you do need to change your mind, let me know why. Silence eats away at D-type people who like to have as much information available to them so they can make the best judgments. Making better judgments means a better scene for you! Self esteem is directly related to confidence, and confidence is directly related to dominance. Fuck with my self esteem and you are jeopardizing your own odds of having a good scene.


Give Submission:

Wait a minute, I thought we were talking about bottoming not submission? Well, we are! You are the bottom, which means you decide a lot of the stuff. But after you do that, for fuck's sake, let go! If you want a good bottoming experience, communicate your boundaries clearly, then let me do my job. The more you submit the more your bottoming experience will be enhanced. With fewer limits come fewer limitations. With fewer limitations comes more creativity. With enhanced creativity comes a hot scene. And as your Top, I am not going to brave having a bad scene by pushing boundaries. To use the football analogy, I am going to avoid the out-of-bounds/sidelines and work forward in the areas you've endorsed, and head towards the goal line!

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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