There is Indeed One True Definition for Submissive

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


When you utter "one twue way" when mocking people's definition of submission, you are crusading for ambiguity surrounding its definition and this may not have the desired effects you hope.


"One twue way" basically says: "There is no true way to submit!"




Let us look at the dictionary definition:

sub·mit [səbˈmit] verb

Accept or yield to the authority or will of another person.


sub·mis·sion [səbˈmiSHən] noun

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to the will or authority of another person.


What we really should be mocking:

I am not saying that the countless ways dominance and submission are carried out and displayed should be rigidly defined. The specifics to what requests are to be obeyed, the nuances regarding discipline, what roles the one in the submissive role agrees to fill and exactly what the one in the dominant role may control are as endless as there are individual people.


Therefore it becomes asinine to label any D/s relationship the "one true way."


Let me make this clear, I am only saying it is unwise to mock the definition of what submission is.


There is only one true way a person can submit: By accepting or yielding to another person's authority and/or will; essentially by doing what they've been instructed to do.


The particular desires and commands of the person in the dominant role being fulfilled and obeyed are what constitutes whether or not it is submission. No one is blindly implying these desires are kind, fair, compassionate or even practical. They may not even be possible! But that doesn't change the definition of submission. It simply exposes whether or not the person in the dominant role is a selfish prick.


If the requirements of the one in the dominant role are too demanding, triggering, strenuous, traumatizing or unfair, the one hoping to submit SHOULD NOT DO IT! It's not a fit.


But having an asshole Dom or relationships not being a fit doesn't change what the definition of submission is. But it certainly should influence a person's decision regarding submission.


Why it is important to have a clear definition


In BDSM, since we are conceptualizing a relationship based on "D/s" it is important that we have a very clear definition as to what we're referencing by the letters "D" and "s."


I consider it a disservice to people wanting to submit to be given vague definitions for the very thing they claim to want to do. Unless it is clearly defined, how is one to aspire to do it?


The demands of the Dom do not change the definition of the word

Choosing not to submit doesn't mean you are "wrong" or a "bad submissive." It simply means you are unwilling to submit to the requirements that particular person has set forth. Making judgments on the requirements of the one you've placed in the dominant role is essential in deciding whether or not you should submit.


Making sound judgments are also important to avoid any D/s arrangement from becoming unintentionally abusive or unknowingly non-consensual. This is why the one submitting is equipped with the ultimate power to decide on whether or not to submit.


In addition to judging the moral merits of the requests for submission, the one in the submissive role has to decide to what degree their obedience to the one in the dominant role's requests are hampering or enhancing their own pleasure, because we know that the one in the dominant role's pleasure is being fulfilled.


Because no one in the dominant role is perfect, the person wanting to submit may at times rightly choose to disobey. In these scenarios the disobedience is a virtuous decision. Justified. Moral. Right. But not submission.


No one in the submissive role is perfect either, therefore someone submitting may at times wrongly disobey.


But before passing judgment or taking any agreed upon disciplinary action, the one in the dominant role should review whether or not it fits within everyone's negotiated boundaries.


The choices regarding virtuous disobedience and disciplinary actions ideally should be done using non-violent communication techniques. Whether it's with a safe word or by direct communication depends on how communication within the relationship dynamic is set up.


No one needs to submit. And there is nothing wrong with not submitting to someone. Only when you've agreed to submit and then don't, is when it becomes disobedience. 


The decision to submit or not places the ultimate control firmly in the hands of the one accepting the submissive role.


People labeling themselves "Submissive" often add the disclaimer:


"I am submissive...but not to just anyone"

This is dangerous because indeed there is no "twue sub" definition. What exactly does being "a Submissive" mean?

Well it could be...

"I choose to submit to _____."

"I enjoy doing acts of service for people."

"I enjoy submitting when it's someone I care for."

"I wish to submit to my lover as an act of love."

"In life I find I like to follow more than lead."

"I like to give up control in the bedroom."

None of the above.

Something else entirely!

More than likely it doesn't mean...


"I submit to everyone."

But it could! Especially to the "twue Doms" out there, which includes uneducated newbies, abusers, predators and other horny and sadistic guys.

So the need for this disclaimer would be eliminated if we weren't so vague as to what the definition of submission is. The word should seldom be used as an adjective, and using it as a descriptive noun is even more dangerous, considering the multiple dimensions surrounding the dynamics kinky relationships take on (of which D/s is only one of).


If one still must choose to identify that way, clarification becomes a huge responsibility both for the Submissive (to define) and for anyone wanting to dominate them (to understand).


Practicing submission doesn't require a "Dominant", but it does require judgment as to who a person wishes to submit to and to which things fall within everyone's boundaries.


Regardless of how "dominant" people you encounter are, everyone has things they want other people to do for them. Therefore we all have choices to make as to how much submission we want to give of ourselves towards someone else.


How much submission?

Submission assigns significance to the one who is acting in a dominant role by validating them and placing value on their wishes. Therefore the one in the dominant role is required to make sure their requests are worthy.


Notice the key words here:






These words are traditionally cherished by those in submissive roles, but I believe they are just as vital to the happiness of people in dominant roles too.


That's the beautiful thing about submissive actions: they assign value to others. Making judgments to submit to someone places a value upon that person, and therefore becomes an amazing way to demonstrate love towards them; especially for those who value being valued!


Not all love is submissive

I have had people who wish to submit to me do things thinking they are being submissive towards me. Their actions were sweet. They were kind. They were useful. They were even done with a submissive intent. But they were not acts of submission because there were not things I had requested.


Again, just because these actions did not fall within the definition of "submission" it does not diminish their importance. They were just a different type of endearment.


Taking off another person's shoes when asked is a submissive act. Putting them away when you noticed they were left in the middle of the room isn't.


If the one in the dominant role values one of these actions higher or lower that the other it doesn't change the definition of submission, it just means that one of the actions was deemed more important.



There is no "one twue Dom" or "one twue sub" but there sure as hell is one true definition for submitting.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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