A Plea to Stop Calling it a "D/s Relationship"

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


Something I wished I'd learned at the beginning of my kink journey is that the archetype we call the "D/s Relationship" is not the way we all have to model our relationships on.


Dom/sub is only one small option in this whole wide world of kinky sex!
I regret many of the missteps I made early on attempting to dominate a bottom or masochist when in truth she was just seeking a playmate to top her. Many of my early play partners, who were just as new as I was, simply defaulted to a foreign "submissive" role because they felt that was the expectation, or worse yet, didn't realize they had any other options.


Sure, dominance was what I ultimately desired, and submission may have been her eventual desire too, but neither of us had even remotely mastered topping and bottoming. So what business did either of us have catapulting into those roles so early?


Websites like Collarme.com didn't help any, giving you "Dom", "sub" and "switch" as the only choices to identify. FetLife at least allows you to put down "top" and "bottom" as your role, but they still don't allow you to put that down in the "looking for" section. Heck they don't even allow you to be looking for a "Dom" or "Domme", opting instead for "Master/Mistress" and "sub/slave." Why they even have a "looking for" section in one's profile is odd, since they always claim to not be a hook-up site!


A Lifetime Relationship (LTR)
A Relationship
A Mentor/Teacher
Someone To Play With
A Princess By Day, Slut By Night
A Master
A Mistress
A sub
A slave


Now that I am six years into my journey, when newbies ask, I always suggest to the s-types they should learn to bottom long before tackling submission. Just as d-types should hone their topping skills before attempting to dominate.


So why do we automatically call pairings in the kink world "D/s" or "power exchange" when they often are just kinky people topping and bottoming?
No, D/s and M/s are amazing ways to practice kink, but they are not the template we all should adhere to and certainly NOT the catch phrase kinksters should label WIITWD.


Once educated, many people find they're comfortable remaining in the top/bottom, sadist/masochist or (in my case) the Daddy/babygirl dynamic.

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