Ok, my inspiration for this one was definitely Stephen Lynch, if you've never heard of him, I encourage you to look him up. He does stand up comedy, but with songs he writes. I would love it if he could put this to music one day.
It was common for kinksters on FetLife who wanted to remain anonymous to list their location as "Antarctica" and their age as high as possible (in the 90s). This practice was most commonly employed by extremely gorgeous webcam models. This is what inspired this satirical "autobiographical" writing.