drug addiction



 The nuts are everywhere.  You never know where you’ll find them.  Even in the most unusual places, they pop up and rear their ugly heads.


One time, I was traveling in Southeast Asia.  I was heading from Siem Reap to Bangkok.  I was riding along in a chartered minibus.  The first bus from Siem Reap arrived at the border and stopped.  This bus wouldn’t cross the border.  We needed to pass through customs and get picked up by another bus on the other side of the border.  The second bus would complete our journey to Bangkok.


I have American Dollars and Cambodian riels.  I figured that I would eventually need some Thai Bahts to get along in Bangkok.  There was a small bank at the border.  It seemed like as good a place as any to exchange currency.  I figured this would save some time later.


I have the misfortune of running into an ex-pat American.  We get in a conversation and I make the mistake of letting him know where I work.  Let’s just say I have a particularly taxing government job.


This guy is not a big fan of the American tax system and I find myself on the receiving end of a bruising lecture.  I’m getting an earful on the unfairness of the American tax code.  He didn’t feel he should pay taxes.  I really didn’t care although I noticed his unwillingness to forfeit that American passport.


I was just standing there jaw agape.  What are the odds?  I’m halfway around the world at the Thai-Cambodian border and I’m getting chewed out about unfair taxation.


“Crack addict on welfare!”  I thought to myself, “ Why didn’t I just tell him I was a crack addict on welfare when he asked.”


It might have sounded slightly more dignified.  And it certainly might have made for a more pleasant conversation.




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Hallow grounds, will seperate,
How much longer will I wait?
Before I open my eyes,
So much wasted time, on empty skies,


Enemies are mine, I know,
Won't let me think, won't let me go,
Here I sit, cloudy head again,
Orgasmic numbness setting in,


Would your love still get us through?
If you really knew, what I do?
If you known what I've done,
Comence the hating, for what I've become,


Obide by my master, and hide it well,
Banging on these walls inside my hell,
One time, I almost got thru,
Then I found myself opened because of you,


Just alittle while longer,
Just a little bit more,
This monkey will jump off my back,
When I lose myself on the floor...

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Locked Away...

Lost outside,
the inner most feelings,
Of the heart,
As is it's nature,
I want what it wants,
Unable to forget,
What once was, now not,
Lost outside,
her hearts warmth.

The life I leave on the other side,
a door, shut, locked tight...
the hardest part,
of hiding,.. always hiding.
My self,.. my sin,.. my sickness,..
and it is, mine.
This is addiction,..
keeps secrets, steals away,..
the love and all joy.
Neatly swept away,..
All things worthy,
Every good thing,...
Keeps from me,..
outside,.. away,.. always.
I,.. stay,.. stay
wanting, what's on both sides
though one is all that finds me
the fullness of my attentions.
Safely,.. Rightly,..Denied Me.
Locked Away...

A Pointless Existence- A Meth Addicts View on Life

Old Stuff

I have a fire burning deep in my soul.
A secret obsession I can barely contol.

I live on life, not regret.
So why are you so fucking upset?

The skies are as red as the blood gushing from my decimated heart.
This is YOUR fault- you tore our whole fucking relationship apart!

I know this burning, searing hatred is branded with your name.
Cos the simple, mere thought of you pumps acid through my veins.

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That familiar place inside of myself. / A ball of excitement and hope / At the bottom of my stomach / That scares me. / Hoping that I can survive another run out there / Considering throwing my life down the drain once more / Thinking in my twisted head, / Only of the fun to be had. / What the FUCK is fun? / I'm talking about the drugs. / I sold myself, / For drugs / I'm scared to go back to nothing / Reservations

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My empty portrait

I see through my eyes, / Looking into the past / And all I feel is nothing. / Where have I been? / So speechless, / Words cannot describe

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No Longer In Denial

Fading quickly away right before our eyes-
Drowning in a life of pain hidden under my disguise-
This wasted life has become nothing but a blur-
Left now with only memories of who you once were-
Find yourself reminiscing back to the days that you were clean-
Now just find myself waiting for someone to intervene-
Slipping away from reality as the poison attacks-
Damaged arms hold evidence of affliction just follow the tracks-
In my painful solitude I watch my blood mix with sin-
Now fusing together as I draw back on the syringe-
My addiction pulls me further in as I pull the plunger back-
Emptiness running thru my veins, feelings are what I lack-
I used to be happy in life, always thought I'd come out on top-
Which is why I'm so confused and I question “why cant I just fucking stop?!”-
But now the drug has taken over, my life is gone, I have no control-
Nothing left to numb my pain, nothing strong enough to fill this hole-
So continue to act like my life is together but how long can we really pretend-
Have to face the truth and realize that I'm gone and this is the end-

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was a very hard poem to write. It's my heart and soul on paper. I exposed myself to the world.



On the corner of a street

Where I like to meet

The possibilities are endless

Because my friends there are friendless

And you know if you’ve got the money

That they’ve got the time

And they even got these bags

That will totally get you high

I love friends. Don’t you love friends?

Through Rough times, through tough times

They will be there till the end

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You opened up this big whole for me to fall into
And you just look in as I fall down farther and farther

You ask for feedback for communication
How can I talk when I’m falling to my death

I make you mad so you hit
I need to numb out so I take a hit
I hate my flesh I take a hammer and hit
Just one more hit and I will feel ok

I try to talk and you cut me off
I cant take the pain so I cut

I am too much throw me away
I am too big I throw up

Just one more hit

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Feb 11 2009

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