Flows like a river of tears: Flows like a river of tears across whole continents, combining oceans with a garland of the surviving water lilies who thrive on the soothing subtle sound of sweet emotion
The new structure is: The new structure is definitely working for you, I think, the stanzas work really nicely together and the poem itself holds up very well as a whole
Yes! Starward yet lives! So: Yay! Starward yet lives! So that we all may relish in those amazingly famous poems of his on the chronicles of sockboy! he-heeeee! To be completely honest, though I am reluctantly shy to admit it, I find I've actually learned quite a lot from said theme; and for that, we thank you.