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Who am I 

What am I 

Who do I want to be

What do I want to be

Seems like easy questions

You have molded me into this person

I know I second guess everything

every move

every thought

every statement

I try to understand why you cheated

I try to see it from your perspective

You never think of mine

You never think of me

I'm not good enough for you

I will never be

What are we doing here 

It's so obvious you want to leave

It's obvious I am broken

Maybe you like this easily manipuled version 

of me

I need something more

You said you don't think you can do anything different

You Admit to the problem

nothing to fix it

nothing to fix us

I tell you how ugly you make me feel

you said nothing 

That said enough for me

You dont have any respect for me

I need to regain it for myself

I need to feel again

I want you in my life I don't need you

It's clear i'm not a priority to you

A simple placeholder until the right one comes along

Your just stringing me along

I will allow you to think i'm fine

Today is the day

I'm checked out

I'm slowly detaching 

I will make my exit once I have a well thought out plan

I can no longer tolerate this

I will no longer question you

I will no longer communicate my needs 

Youve shown me you don't care

My iced heart that you worked so hard to unthaw

Is oficially hardening with ice 

protecting myself

I am done with the pain

I'm finished with the hurt

I hope you feel like shit

knowing you gave up on us 

I hope you know 

I will never be the same

You lost the second best thing in your life next to your children

You lost me 

When you wouldn't fight for me

You constantly ask if I'm ok 

what do you want me to say 

if I open my thoughts 

you will feel attacked 

you will retreat 

what is the point

i want to feel connected

i want to feel like I'm loved 

I'll keep my fucking mouth shut 

my thoughts and feelings never to escape

my Mouth is closed 

nodding my head telling you that I'm fine 

What happened to me

What happened to us

I can no longer trust you

You have made it this way

I am constantly crying burdened by the pain of your decisions

If I am hurt by something somehow it is now my fault

You make me feel like I am over dramatizing every situation

I don't think it's too much to ask for my boundaries to be respected

Why must you follow all these girls

why must you talk to these girls 

why must you pay for nudes

telling me that isn't being unfaithful

the fuck it isn't 

you wonder why i'm not the same 

Youve completely changed my perspective of you

I don't know you anymore

I don't know me anymore

I want you to be truthful and willing to work 

I'd be lucky if you even discussed the situation with me other than your 1-2 line sentences 

Does almost 7 years mean nothing to you

Have you been doing this the whole time

I am so lost 

I am so confused 

What the fuck am I going to do

I will not allow this mistreatment which I already have

why doesn't it hurt you 

when i hurt

why aren't you sad when i'm sad

you instead get upset wanting to leave

thanks for that security 

now i'm left picking up the pieces again that you shattered inside 

closing you off even more while i sill hang on and try to love you

it's inevitable 

this will end 

i don't want it to

but my inuition tells me otherwise

my insecurity will be too much as always

you will leave me

in a way i've already left 

I'm no longer myself 

I am so fucking sad

I can't even fucking cry 

What does that say

Does that mean I care or i'm fucking over the pain

Fuck you

I wish you knew what you put me through 

I wish you knew my pain

I fucking hate myself for loving you

I feel crazy for not believing you that youve never been unfaithful 

shit doesn't add up

why do you feel the need to talk to so many girls

I should be enough for you

What are you doing to me

What do you want from me

What do I want

Why the fuck do I allow this

Who am I 

She had me open,

I wish I was still smoking,

Because maybe when the smoke clears,

Youll be everything that I thought you were,

I had dreams of us slow dancing,

In a long romance, 

Us being the only ones for each other but i had no chance,

You came back different,

The facade washed away,

You couldnt fake the love for me anymore,

I seen it all on your face,

It still hurts,

I look you in the eyes and I still see us,

But I know the truth,

My paranoia reminds me of the real you,

You could set me up, you could do damage,

And from the woman I once loved I cant handle it,

I want something different now,

Its been a long road,

But I know this love was never the same for you so its time to move on,

I hope you find that one that you dream of marrying,

Just like me, googling wedding rings,

I hope she doesnt smash your dreams like you did mine,

I hope she doesnt make you realize real love is hard to find,

I hope she doesnt make you regret never loving me.. 

Im lying,

Thats what Im hoping in time youll see,

In time one day youll miss me,

Years from now in a relationship full of illusion,

You find out her true intentions for you,

And then you remember how you treated me,

How I sat around, holding you down when you were out at sea,

How I rushed out to see you everytime you needed me,

How I believed in love and how you crushed my dreams,

Youll hit me up, and youll be hoping I still give a fuck,

I probably wont, but the nuturer in me wont be so blunt,

Ill converse and we'll have small talk, 

We might even send pictures if youre still charmed,

I say all this to say, after everything you put me through I dont know why I stayed,

Maybe it was really love or just my compulsive ways,

Either way, i wish you the best,

Please dont be hurt by this,

I needed to get it off my chest,

I hope you stay healthy and abreast,

I wouldnt want you letting your gaurd down and fall n love, get fucked over and become a wreck... 

Like me.

He was stuck in this rut for many a day,

had no clue what he was supposed to do,

what to say,

or how to feel.

"Are you okay? What's wrong," they would ask.

"I am fine. I am just tired."

He did not lie,

for he was tired, he just did not tell them what of.

Was he tired of being alone?

of being so numb?

Of what was he actually tired?

He moved to escape pain in a very dark place

just to get bullied by so called "friends" from said dark place.

He feared he would be alone,

not have any friends,

until this new guy came along.

He finally had a friend,

but still felt something was missing.

a few months go by,

they are dating.

A year or two later,

they are married.

It was a bumpy road the past few years,

but now they are both old and retired,

and happy that they found each other and helped each other to grow

and find some security and hope in each other's arms

and in each other's souls.

Verse 1:
Take a look inside:
What do you see?

A divergred road in two?

Or a new journey?

Chorus:
Take me into your arms

'Cause you're my safe haven, babe.

If I already knew

That you were mine to keep,

I wouldn't have wasted time.

Verse 2:
Take a look inside:
Will you choose the diverged road

Or a new journery

Of life's mysteries?

Bridge:
Now, things are collapsing

Onto my feet again.

Take a look inside:
What do you see?

Last-Chorus:
Now, the time has come for me

To put myself into your arms tonight.

Wrong or right,

I won't even try. 

I look up at the sky

I talk to you everday 

Love again

Love again

 I know you what me to 

Be happy again but you 

was my first real boyfriend

You teach me with respect and 

Was kind and sweet you bought 

Me dinner and a movie ticket and

make me dinner when I was at you 

Dad house and none of my ex did that

For me so thank you Nick from being 

A real boyfriend to me and you are now

In heaven and what me to be happy and 

To love again I just do not know if I 

will find someone as nice as you and kind and

teach me with respect like you did

So if I walk by a guy and you know he 

is the one give me a sign Nick and thank you

for your loved and watching over me 

I am blessed to had you in my life and 

Show me all guys are not same there are 

some good and nice guys out there and

I am blessed to got to know you Nick 

© Amanda Kay Hill

12/18/16

The fatal game illiminated the rare, young looking, narrow dreams. I want other means resembled in a manner you'd understand. His shadow casts motionless stones in a mirage of captivating light. As his ideas run against the moral state, leaving him rendered unconscious in the burning shadow, despite the path to abominable disaster with no provisions of a beautiful paradise. I laid in the wake of trivial homicide, without the desire to awaken the need of the unconscious monster within my hesitated mind.