Humor

Home Made Pasta

Deborah and I took a pasta class and our pasta turned out great

Consensus was it was the most delicious pasta that we ever ate.

 

Although in hindsight I must admit what made the pasta taste divine,

Was all the hard work that went into it, and of course there was the wine...

 

At any rate last night we decided to make pasta on our own

After all we had the recipe and the process we’ve been shown.

 

We followed that recipe to the letter right from the very start

But the dough we ended up with was too dry and fell apart.

 

We decided to add some water and the pasta came out fine

But It was at this juncture we realized we forgot to buy the wine!

 

Because no matter how many mistakes you make in cooking this I swear

After a couple glasses of your favorite wine you find that you don’t care!

 

In the pasta class the dough kneaded out effortlessly without a fret

At home it involved a little swearing and a quite lot of sweat.

 

The pasta machine in our class rolled it out without a mess

At home the identical machine was the cause of endless stress.

 

First the pasta wouldn’t roll out at all then it rolled out way to slow

And it didn’t help when two times I dropped the handle on my toe.

 

Eventually we fixed the problem but our raviolis were too thin

They were too weak to hold the ricotta filling we were putting in.

 

But the second batch was perfect...we got those ravioli’s loaded

And we were happy when in the boiling water only a few of them exploded.

 

In the end they were delicious dredged with olive oil and parmesan cheese.

We were proud of our accomplishment despite our casualties.

 

I must admit making home made pasta is an enjoyable way to dine

If you are going to make it then my best advice is...don’t forget the wine.

 

 

 

 

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Teen Choice Awards

I was flipping through the channels, perhaps a little bored

When I landed on a program called Teen Choice Awards.

 

I thought it might be interesting to see which teens had won

Even though I ceased to be a teen in 1971.

 

But I thought of myself as ‘with it’ at least as ‘with it’ as I was before

Until my wife told me that people don’t say ‘with it’ anymore.

 

So I kept watching the proceedings ignoring her little slur

And wondering why everybody looked so young and why I didn’t know who they were.

 

“Am I really that out of it today,” I foolishly asked my mate

“You’ve been out of it,” she smiled and said, “since 1988.”

 

In truth it’s been a few years...I think it was 1995

Since I stayed up for Letterman or Saturday Night Live.

 

Yes, I think Jimmy Kimmel’s funny and Jimmy Fallon’s great

And I’d be tuning in to see them if they weren’t on so late.

 

No, I’m not a teenager anymore...hopefully I grew up along the way

In many ways I’m glad I’m not a teenager today.

 

For this world moves much faster than when I was once a teen.

(I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who know just what I mean.)

 

Perhaps I’m not a teenager...perhaps I’ll get no awards for being PHAT

But since I have no idea what PHAT is I guess I’m OK with that.

 

After the award show I kept flipping channels somewhat dejectedly

 

Until I found a Matlock rerun...now that’s must see TV!

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The Dentist

Let me begin by saying I love my dentist and my dental hygienist too

Since seeing them my teeth are cleaner and my cavities are few.

 

They are caring, kind and gentle even when they have to drill, scrape or file

They have not only promoted my dental health but they’ve helped improve my smile.

 

We certainly need our dentists. They help our mouths get back on their feet

After all the unhealthy things we drink and all those sugary things we eat.

 

So this little poem to the art of dentistry I happily now devote

Let’s give it up to the people who stick their hands all the way down our throats!

 

I don’t like looking into my own mouth..it seems filled with mystery, darkness and danger

Let alone sticking my hands down the mouth of a total stranger.

 

Who’s to know if the person in the chair is going to struggle, or kick or fight me

And I don’t know what I would do...if he sneezes, or coughs or bites me?

 

So I’m content to be a patient..although my confidence is often times shook.

For instance when the dentist is prodding inside my mouth, I’m never sure quite where to look.

 

When they come at you wearing rubber gloves and a mask it seems to play tricks on your mind.

Are my teeth crooked, does my breath smell...or are they afraid of what they might find?

 

And though I try to be stoic and unemotional I come close to a nervous breakdown

When I feel my saliva rising uncontrollably for I know I’m about to drown.

 

I never thought, not once growing up.... but now I am proud to admit

I look forward to that tube they put in my mouth...you know the one that sucks out the spit.

 

And though they try to have conversations while you’re lying there on your back

With their hands down your throat its hard to converse when all you can muster is ACK!

 

Yet once it is over and you look at your smile, you feel better and you are glad

“I guess when you think about it,” you say to yourself, “It really wasn’t that bad.”

 

So you smile broadly, rub your tongue ‘cross your teeth and feel the inside of your cheeks

Thank you, you say, here’s my twenty bucks and I’ll see you in another 12 weeks

 

Yes, my hats off to the dentist I think anyone with teeth should see one

 

I’m glad we have them, I’m glad they are around.....  I just wouldn’t want to be one.

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The Rubik's Cube

I’m not sure when I realized I’m not the world’s smartest man

Perhaps it was when I bought into the hype of cereal containing bran.

 

Or it’s possible it could have been when I failed to see the glitch

In thinking a career in teaching was going to make me rich.

 

Be that as it may it didn’t take long for me to understand

That the children I brought into this world were smarter than their old man.

 

When I tried to help them with their homework I only incurred their wrath

In my defense is there anyone in the world who understood New Math?

 

But I was content as they grew up with the information in their heads

Knowing I didn’t understand a thing they did and only half of what they said.

 

Until my grandson Taylor brought me this cube--6 colors as pretty as could be.

He twisted it over and over again then handed it back to me.

 

The idea is to put it back the way it was and in case I fail to mention

Improving analytic and cognitive skills seems to be Mr. Rubik’s intention.

 

But I think there was an ulterior motive and although the data on this is hazy

I think what the inventor really wanted was to drive the whole world crazy!


It takes 40 seconds for Taylor to complete the entire cube

“I’ll shoot for 40 seconds,” I said…Could I have been a bigger boob?

 

So I began and it didn’t long for me to sink into a deep depression

It seemed I would need some assistance or perhaps a quick therapy session.

 

I knew I couldn’t solve this cube alone given my limited powers of deduction

So I bought an easy to follow, how-to book with step-by step- instructions.

 

I was determined to solve this puzzle and become a Rubik’s cube whiz!

Easy to follow my Aunt Suzie! You have to know what an algorithm is!

 

Algorithm- that had me stumped and I’m not afraid to announce it

For not only am I confused by the word…I don’t know how to pronounce it.

 

But I studied and studied, practiced and practiced and in 3 weeks I had it solved.

I was proud of my accomplishment….as my intelligence evolved.

 

“3 weeks Pop Pop.” my grandson chortled, somewhat condescendingly

“I bet if you practiced harder you’d get as good as me.”

 

“My head hurts.” I said. “I’m going to take a bath.” then quickly bade goodbye

For it seems in intellectual prowess even my grandchildren are passing me by.


But as I soaked my aching head and my bruised ego in the bath

 

I had to smile- Taylor starts high school this year- I wonder if he’ll need help with math?

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The exercise fad

I don’t consider myself a ‘nut’ but every day when I arise

I like to get my morning started with a little exercise.

 

I was part of the national running craze… I’d run over hill and dale and bluff

Until one day my knees (pretty important parts) decided they’d had enough.

 

Over the years it’s been my goal to stay healthy, happy and strong

But oftentimes when I turn on the TV only I find out I’m doing it wrong.

 

TV is filled with infomercials and celebrities doing all kind of ads

Telling me they have the key to good health…if only I’d buy their fad.

 

Though I am a 60 year old man who has exercised most of my years

The only ‘6-packs- I’ve ever had were filled with cola, toilet paper or beer.

 

I think it was sometime in the ‘80’s when I tried 8 minute Abs

Well its 21 million minutes later and I still have a layer of flab.

 

The sauna suit I was assured would make me feel better than muscatel

Would have worked if not for all that sweating…not to mention the horrible smell.

 

 

Now I’m not usually one to criticize and I certainly don’t like to pout

I had no trouble getting into Tony Little’s Gazelle but a hell-of-a time getting out.

 

I even tried Sweatn to the Oldies- Richard Simmons was my biggest supporter

But I had to stop when I couldn’t stop thinking, “Could those pants of his get any shorter?”

 

There was a time when the country and I with Tae Bo was enthralled

Who knew with a couple of kicks you could put a hole in the living room wall!

 

My toning shoes remain in my closet not only did I look like a clown

But walking in them proved problematic as I couldn’t stop falling down.

 

Did you know the thigh master was marketed by the man who sold us the mood ring?

Truthfully, if it wasn’t for Suzanne Sommers I would have never purchased that thing!

 

Some fads are even laughable and bordering on the obscene

If you’ve ever watched those ‘shake weight’ commercials I think you know what I mean.

 

When Deborah talked about Zumba I couldn’t be happier with my spouse

FYI… the Zumba is not a machine that robotically cleans your house!

 

 

Piloxing is one exercise I’ve never tried as a way of losing my fat.

‘Cause when Pilates meets up with boxing-nothing good can come out of that!

 

Yoga was to be physical and mental and give you a spiritual feeling

But today you can do it by swinging your baby or hanging from the ceiling.

 

Just when you’ve had enough and you think you’ll go stark raving mad

You open a magazine or turn on the tube and there’s another exercise fad.

 

We are bombarded with these programs and we don’t know which one to do

Physique 57… P-90 X…and Cross-Fit to name a few.

 

It’s funny but after 60 years of all the hype, the celebrities and the talk

The best advice is still to watch what we eat and go for a daily walk.

 

Hmmm…a healthy diet and walking beats any fad you might see on TV.

Hey wait I’ll have to get back to you… is that an ad for Insanity?

 

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Coy and Vance

We're Coy and Vance and we replaced Bo and Luke.

When people watched us on TV, it made them puke.

Many people changed the channel when our show was on.

The once high ratings of the show were gone.

We were basically clones of Luke and Bo.

People cheered when we left the show.

We were good at fighting crime and getting out of jams.

But many people didn't care, they didn't give a damn.

People hated us and I think that was pretty low.

I'll kick your ass if you didn't watch us on the show.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was inspired by The Dukes of Hazzard TV show.

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We're the Duke boys

We're Bo and Luke Duke and we fight crime.

When criminals tangle with us, they do hard time.

Uncle Jesse gets his fat carcass stuck every time he gets in the General Lee.

When we tell him that he's getting too fat, he puts us over his knee.

 

It's really embarrassing when grown men get spanked.

Our asses are still stinging because of Jesse's hand and he sure doesn't get thanked.

We have to run from Enos, Rosco and Cletus.

Most people shoot at us when they meet us.

 

We're good ol' country boys, we do nothing unlawful.

But the fuzz keeps chasing us anyway, isn't that awful?

Whenever Luke and I get arrested, Uncle Jesse has to use the mortage payment for bail.

Maybe we're not such good crime fighters because we can't even send Boss Hogg to jail.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was inspired by The Dukes of Hazzard TV show.

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I'm Rosco P. Coltrane

I'm the sheriff and my name is Rosco P. Coltrane.

People in Hazzard know that the P is for pea-brain.

I work for Commissioner Jefferson Davis Hogg.

He hates the Dukes and he also hates my dog.

I usually get a cut of the take from my fat brother-in-law.

I love his evil schemes and I love to pinch his flabby jaws.

Everybody knows that I'm a bumbling sheriff, I'm sure not a genius.

I can't catch the Duke Boys and neither can my dipstick deputy Enos.

After wrecking all of those patrol cars, I was pretty damn lucky to survive.

But my character came to an end anyway when the Dukes of Hazzard was cancelled in 1985.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was inspired by the Dukes of Hazzard TV show.

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Too Bad

I speak my mind.

Don't like it?

 

Too bad.

 

I bear you my soul.

Don't like it?

 

Too bad.

 

I believe that all beings and 

life forms are all the same, 

and different, 

at the same time, 

and that we are slowly losing 

our connection to this concept 

as a species, and it is destroying us.

Don't like it?

 

Too bad.

 

I believe there is a sanctity 

that lies within each individual,

every animal,

every life form.

Don't like it?

 

Too bad.

 

Don't like my

style of self-expression?

My authenticity?

My 'attitude'?

My disgust with closed-minded people?

My honesty?

My truth?

 

It's just plain too bad.

I love yours, and I hope 

one day we can meet halfway.

 

 

4:20 PM 6/28/2013

 

 

©

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zIW8qDPhos

 

 

.........

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"too bad"