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Chapter Nineteen

'The mark of a coward'

“The devil will wait for me on the road of desolation,

at the crossroads of my weakness and obsessions.

Will these words become my final chapters?

As I walk head on into the den of vipers.”

           I am still here, still alive and kicking. Down but not out. I still have some fight left in me and a great man would stand and take that beating once again. Only I am no great man, as I just want to lay here until they are finished with their abuse.

Life is a challenge as we confront our demons that tempt us into the free peep shows of sin at the core of our hearts and minds. Even now I can hear her whispering in my ear and even now as my tainted blood pumps through my body I feel her seductive pull that is peace. To become numb, both physically and emotionally.

We live in a world that sucks the very life from you. To survive in a broken shell of a body. Abused by years of bad choices and horrible mistakes and often finding myself repeating many of them. Should be into my prime, when I feel I need a crutch just to manage through the day. Reaching my limit of self centered narcissistic egotistical sadistic people who only see me as some bump in their way. It is disturbing that once regarded friends would only use me for money, cheap labor, or a glorified taxi service and those friends would become ghosts when I would find myself in need of a helping hand.

        The human emotion. A paradox that could drive a person to insanity. When negativity roots itself deep into your soul you are left but with few options and even fewer that look promising. It is in your darkest hour, battling your demons and hordes of beasts that want nothing more then to skin you alive, do you find your worth.

Left alone, and to your vices. Where when even the most extreme outlook can feel like it's your only lifeline. It is not always just about suicide being the worst remedy to depression. Sometimes the most tragic tale of a man's saga to survive is that he simply just gave up.

          The worst part is that reflection behind the mirror is truly not my own, rather a junkie hiding in a collapsing shell. That bitch of temptation did her job well. Having me strung out and left for dead on more then one occasion. She believed I was indeed broken, having gave up like my eyes told the world. I had lost everything that was beautiful and was thrown to the darkness to believe the lie that love was dead and gone. All I saw was pain and suffering, lies and assholes. Monsters and ugly beasts living in paradise. There was once a time when I would pray for madness. An escape from the brutality of the darkness. I am no great man, I am but a coward.

“I feel as if death hovers over my shoulder

just out of eye sight. That eerie sensation

that you are slowly slipping away.

Knowing your losing grip on reality,

why continue to chase the demon?”

                        'The fallen shall be slain;

Forever to know pain and to the victors with a kiss. Sealed obedience and hear the whispers down the hall. They speak of how you will fall. Tripped by your own accord, a purchase you could never afford. Now bound by debt, you praise your slavery with regret. Just close your eyes, there goes just another star for you to idolize. When up is down you cannot feel around, how does the honest man survive?

          Face the mirror, face the demon within yourself. Taste the fear and destroy yourself. Sick and tired of circles, the idiots and bigots hypnotized by the sparkles. The meek can't afford to be weak, when the devil is standing at the peek and just think of the havoc he will wreak.

So now I stand before the gates, as the fallen have been slain.

My heart now hangs in shame. The honest man dies.

Ask yourself if the heavens cry out in sorrow,

would you feel the tears as they fell from the sky?

Walking with the blind, collectively empty, your soul left behind.'