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A Peyote Vision
Folder:
Through The Looking Glass Ten thousand hungry eyes
sting my flesh
in the white hot light.
Feeding the ambiance:
a cool blue glow,
affixed to the trusses above.
The cigarette smoke curls
and winds playfully thru
the languidly humid air;
she dances for me
like a care-free spirit,
Earthbound.
I like this
And learned a few pointers from Ashley's comments...My only thing is I did not read the smoke as being she. A woman popped out of nothing when I read the last 3 lines, not the smoke as female. I do see what she means. I love broken line poetry. I like this poem.
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thank you for checking it out!
A Peyote Vision
Dig this...simple, stark, yet says so much...really like this one...
I'm glad you gave it a read
I'm glad you gave it a read
I never have understood the
I never have understood the point of breaking sentences part way through as it always takes away from the flow of the piece to me... that being said it seems to not take away from this peice.
It is just me and my preferance but I would change the start of the last three lines from 'and' to 'she' for a couple reasons. the first being that the rest of the poem is clearly coneccted and yet each set of three lines also stands alone, aside from the last three which need the previous three to make sense due the the use of 'and', further more if it is a peyote trip, it is meant to be fluid, to lift one from the constraints of normality and see the deeper level of things. By using 'and' it keeps the wording deeply grounded in normality, it is a way of wording which seems to come from coherent and formulated thought and it leaves the smoke inanimate. One of the points of drug induced meditations is to see the spirit in everything, atributing a gender to the smoke as it dances just re-enforces the last line section about it being a spirit earth bound and removes the distance we place between us and 'inanimate objects. Again just mey take on things
thanks for the share :)
Much Love
Ashley
solid feedback
Thanks for the read, and the review. It never really occured to me that the use of " and" was indeed as grounding as it appears to be. To personify was the intention, but may have been lost in translation.
Breaks, sometimes confuse (or can be confusing) and with some of the writng exercises I use, I may use it sybolically, or to aid in the delivery when read aloud/recorded. Caesura / enjambment are great devices when they work, but sometimes puzzling to those not immediately entwined in the soft gray matter inhabiting my skull. Dig?
Excellent Review! Thank you!
:)
I think one of the most beautiful things about writing is its diversity! styles varry from person to person and every poet has purpose for their choices. I am spoiled by my modern times and as such tend to shy away from the more rigid and strick ways of old writers and centry pieces. I guess I attribute this random forced setnce breaking and coupletting to that era...
Much Love
Ashley