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This is my letter to you to say all of the things that I have wanted to say but struggle to let out. Because of you I am weaker and unable to speak my mind. 

 

To my former partner,

 

I don't even know where to begin. 

I am so heartbroken. 

Every day I feel at a loss.

Where did it all go wrong. 

Did it start off of false pretenses that we were dating.

Well I was dating.

You were doing you. 

The last few months of my life have changed drastically. 

I have opened my eyes to more than I can ever unsee.

It all started due to my cousin confiding in me that you were talking to other girls.

I didn't believe it to be true and decided to have a discussion with you. 

The accusations and hostility that came with it was appaling. 

I couldn't believe the way you were behaving. Almost 7 years together and i've never seen this side.

I chose to believe you and left the accusations up to jealousy and believe your words to be true like any good partner would do.

A part of me felt unresolved.

I started to glance at the lock screen on your phone. 

I've seen at least 5 girls messaging you on the daily. 

You barely fucking message me back how do you have time to speak with these women. 

These women asking for money. 

These women saying they can't wait to see you. 

I stay reserved and step back until I have enough things to have another discussion. 

I never thought I would ever look.

I looked at your bank statement. 

Why are you sending these girls money. Why are you sending so much. So frequent. What are you getting out of this?

I keep it all inside until it rages out. I keep my calm while I discuss my concerns. 

You admit to buying pictures after lying to me about sending money. 

You have some bullshit story about who you sent flowers to.

You become so focused on me invading your privacy you fail to see that you lied to me.

Lied to me straight to my face. 

You tell me to get it all out that if were still here in another month you can't deal with this.

How did your wrongdoings become my guilt to bear.

How is this my fault. 

I did wrong and looked but I had a gut feeling on my side. It proved me right.

You said to me your not sure if it is cheating by sending and receiving pics. It's not cheating to pay for them.

I told you to me it is. I told you that porn is fine when you know the girls it is different to me. 

Plus there are plenty of websites for free and me. WTF.

I wasn't clear how the conversation ended. 

I was fine for a week.

Now I'm back at my lowest of low. 

Feeling invisible. 

Feeling unseen.

I feel your energy and moods shifting.

I get the courage to ask you why your not messaging me lately. I see your active on FB but can't even reply. You made an effort one day. The next was the same.

I get the courage to discuss our sex life. 

I use to at least give you favors during the week maybe sex once during the week that hasn't happended you have been turning me down

I ask even though my gut knows

Your suprised by my question

You think it over and say it's no fun for you if your getting pleasured

when the fuck did that start to matter

I make sexual jokes to you all day long and reference wanting something more and you seem interested and then your not

I tell you I feel disconnected from you

You didn't even say anything

The last time we made love I didn't feel anything for you

I am too comfortably numb

I am putting on this act and this smile 

I am drowing in my sorrows and despair trying to hold onto a relationship that isn't even there

I don't know what I want 

What I need 

I recently found out you logged into my computer and your account is still logged in 

I found out by mistake no ill intention

you won't see it this way

curiousity and my crazy got the best of me

the insecurity you created that i honestly never had before

I seen recent messages again with women 

with some of the same girls

recent ish cash apps with these girls

dating profile apps

messages about meeting up with some girls

going back years and years not recent at all

I thought I would be suprised 

I don't know if I'm shocked or just complety over it

You can't have me and all of these other options

Am I good for your current pick

Because i'm a great mom

is that the only reason

I couldn't feel further from you

couldn't feel so disgusted 

Where the fuck did the trust end

I would have never thought in million years this is you

who are you

who did i fall in love with

you narcassictic asshole 

why have you chose to do this to me

why wouldn't you leave

obviously you have options go be with that bitch I don't want you

I've never given you reason to not trust me

I have been messaging someone

Since the first moment of distrust

would you even fucking care 

I doubt it 

I felt that if you were going to hurt me I wanted to hurt you

doing the act or the deed was not in me

I can't knowing i'm still attached even though your not 

I have never been so fucking low in my life 

I am so sad 

devistated

heartbroken

I need to move on

How the fuck do you keep me holding on

Damn these kids that I care for so much

I am so fucking sad for them

They didn't deserve this

I didn't deserve this

I know I'm not perfect

distant at times

cold hearted at times 

my love has never been questioned can i say the same for you

I am so fucking sad and low

I need to choose what path i'm going on

I think I need to be on my own.

 

-thoughts from a broken woman

I do

 

 

Do you know what it feels like to have never been loved?

Do you know what it feels like to have never been liked?

Do you know what it feels like to hear the words, believing it, only to be bluffed?

Do you know what it feels like to feel liked, told you are liked, only to be able to get ‘’their’’ true intentions right?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken for 42 years?

The hurt never ever goes away, or fades, it stays

Do you know what it feels like to realize each and every time you’ve just been fooled, and tears…

Well the tears never dry up, it lasts for decades

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to be used your entire life?

Do you know what it feels like to be the one who always has to heal, and help?

At your own emotional and financial loss, just to serve your purpose in life?

Do you know what it feels like to know, that you will never have anyone when you need help?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to only be viewed and desired as sexual object?

Do you know what it feels like to only be used and viewed as emotional help?

Do you know what it feels like to fall in love with the only outcome being: reject?

Do you know what it feels like to carry your Mother from birth knowing she didn’t want you, she wished you could just melt

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to work your entire life only to survive?

Do you know what it feels like to be hated by most females, due to jealousy?

Do you know what it feels like to live with so much hatred from strangers just because you are alive?

Do you know what it feels like to try live your life in secrecy?

 

I do

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be loved?

Do you know what it’s like to only attract lust?

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be liked?

Do you know that my entire life, people lied, just to be able to satisfy their lust?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you were never wanted from birth, yet ‘’loved’’ because you are her slave, and your Mom can life a happy life and relive her youth through you and all boyfriends and dates who claims to love me even though it is just lust

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you are only ‘’liked’’ for the financial and emotional help you can be?

Only be liked because they lust after you?

Do you know what it’s like to be me?

 

I do

 

 Do you know what it is like to have your heart broken endlessly?

 

I do

 

Do you know what’s it’s like to think of a perfect way to commit suicide daily knowing what the rest of your life will be

 

I do

 

Marriage, engagement, true love, true friendships based on like –I will never experience

Death is imminent, and I pray that the day comes soonest, before I find my own way

 

Do you know how much pain my heart and soul can handle?

 

I do

 

It has reached the limit

Written by

Dlr

Verse1: 

Home - A Timeless Reverie (a figment of my dreams) 

Though you're gone forever (rest in peace) 

I still truly believe in us and our love 

Everlasting scenes, it's constantly playing on my mind 

 

Verse2: 

I feel the sun blinding my eyes 

It shines brightly while 

Running into our veins 

Best be sure this is an everlasting moment 

 

Bridge: 

Show me where to go from here 

If I could turn back time (turn back time) 

I found the grace and love in your eyes 

Your smile still comforts me to this day 

(I won't have to live in fear) 

 

Chorus: 

Home - a timeless reverie 

If I could turn back time, you gave me peace, love, joy, and hope 

God grant the same peace, love, hope, and grace in our lives 

Our lives - where does the time fly? 

 

Verse3: 

What shall I do? 

How shall I proceed?

Inverse relationship for diminishing returns

on big investments in crack cocaine.

 

For each expenditure

of untold dollars,

she obtain an ever shrinking

imaginary benefits with a compounded deficit,

on a five minute high.

 

The Government provides crack pipes,

and money for the addict’s many highs;

with holding hands

of social policy

for the public good.

 

To weave a sarcastic social fabric,

and mend the gaping tears

in our lasting living sheets.

 

The dealer pushes the crack

mixed with this and that;

whatever they got

or want to concoct.

 

With the long arm of the law

the police smashes the glass sticks.

Maybe even arrest a few

for unlawful use

or illegal drug deals,

unless done in

“HARM REDUCTION” sanctuaries.

 

Check the centre’s policies,

on Police entry.

 

Friends provide the peer pressure,

the encouragement,

as continuous whispering

demon voices in her pretty little ear.

 

What an unbreakable synergy

working in marvelous harmony

for the common good

of our fragile community.

 

Byway of accumulation

or differential summation,

life fleys her body;

governed by the decay power function.

While there is an exponential increase

in hidden cost

to the burning of our own cross.

 

A mosaic of communal organic tapestry,

stitched together with fragile living treads

of bonds and trust,

being slowly eaten

by narcotic worms.

 

With her flesh sizzling,

her soul and spirit frying,

in merciless fires, heat, and lies.

 

Burning up in inhalations,

then exhalations

of puffs of crack smoke.

 

Grab the “HARM REDUCTION” instruments,

insert the solid cocaine stone,

then ignite the rock

like a dying red sun

at the end of it’s life’s journey,

into dazzling pops and crackles

like the fourth of july.

 

Like playful puppies,

jumping and frolicking all about

with great exhilaration in anticipation

of being fed their mother’s warm milk.

 

She takes one puff

of the real stuff.

Her eyes roll back

in her shrunken skull.

 

Her muscles continuously twitch and scream

like break dancers on the big screens,

or sirens hollowing on the ocean breeze.

 

Her muscle spasm,

as though she is in

of multiple organismic trance.

 

Or like the last gasp of living breath

from a stuck bloodletting hog,

expelling it last vestige of life giving fluids,

and driving it’s cold body into convulsions.

 

The damaged neurons

scattered through the vast expanse

of the nervous system.

JUST DON’T SEEM TO FIRE RIGHT!

 

Bastardization and degradation

of bio-chemical-electrical transmissions,

sins against one’s own flesh.

 

She is trapped

like a fidgeting rat,

trotting back and forth

on the path of life’s journey without

a meaning

a purpose

a place for being.

 

Other than to be used,

and be consumed

or to devour on the hour.

Almighty God,

where has all the hope gone.

 

Crack has caught

another big blissful fish

with curved barbed hollowed hooks;

 

that continually sucks her blood

as it slowly works its way

deeper and deeper into poisoned flesh.

 

To wither her spirit,

to dry up her soul,

and continue to siphon her very life

till all that remains is brittle bones.

 

She become easily prone

to suggestions

or suggestive conditioning.

 

Mesmerized like pavlovian dogs,

to salivate,

to rob,

to steel,

to be an irrational hoodlum.

 

Or even worse!

 

To bow down low

on her knees and toes

as though she carries a curse.

 

Without the whimper of a scream.

Surrendering...

Submitting...

Selling holy things

that should never be sold.

 

Pleasuring for bad money

that cannot even buy old clothes.

 

To sell her precious essence,

barter her personal treasures,

man or woman it makes no difference.

 

For she have entered the inescapable world

of teasing psychotic visions,

titillatingly beautiful

and seem so real.

 

Where she chase a fleeting dream

of fire breathing dragons.

She will never catch,

but hope to sack.

 

As the blinking fireflies

with their beacon of hope

in innocent dreams

hasen to leave

the vile realm

she has chosen to lead.

 

Until the Grim Reaper recycles her life,

and comes calling her living soul.

Which was given in good-faith,

in an act of trust and confidence

on an expired timely lone.

 

For the life we carry

is not our own.

 

Leaving a world of damage

and heart aches.

Her tsunami of destruction,

caused by a quick burning flame.

 

Tries to cast an illusion of control,

for an out of control wildfire of cocaine

feeding off her brain,

chopping up the circuits of her mind

to make her insane.

 

The many little demons from the

stenching

stagnant

heavy

thick

malodor

emanating from

hell’s glass cylinder door.

 

Attaching to her blood,

and inserting themselves

into chosen parts of her id

to suckle on her thoughts

like minions of starving leeches.

 

To assault

twist,

and even squeeze out

every last drop of dripping pain

to reap the real gains

of crack cocaine.

 

Causing her to surrender to madness,

and the selling of her four beloved babies,

on a dirty one way track,

around the corner at the back,

and next to the garbage dumpster

for crack.

 

The mirage of the utopia she first believe,

disappear like billions of night stars

vanishing with the reality

of a coming dawn.

 

The endless black board screams

behind her purgatory viel

seem so surreal

in this dystopian field

 

But,

her hell just started!

 

To begin her holy-war,

she declared on herself,

and expect to win

while singing

“THE CONQUEROR’S VICTORY SONG.”

 

On her personal jihad,

with her own guilty right hand,

she takes her bloody grinning head,

held aloft in mocking conquest

of herself.

 

Slumbering sleeper,

you better awake!

Your time is already come and gone!

 

Leegal Poet

 

Wayne Ferron . All rights reserved @ copyright

Here I stand on the edge of lost hope,
Lay me away as my heart just cant cope.
My life taking a more unloved slope,
trying to breathe underwater with a slippery rope.
Looking at you threw a empty house,
Holding upon the memories of a old blouse.
Wishing life would take me like a fish with a dowse.
Losing all my meaning to life, holding my baby,
Missing you so bad as I just been so weak and crazy.
You dying has made me become more antisocial lately.
Why did this have to happen to you my Bailey?
Your father took all his stuff and is now gone,
Telling me life will just have to keep on.
Knowing my heart is empty filled with iron.
Goodbye to you my love,
I know heaven is holding you above. 

Droplets form

Slowly caressing my cheek

An uncontrollable sense of sadness

Washes over my body

Facial muscles contracting

Mind exploding

Eyes flooding

I struggle to keep them open

As my hands grip the wheel tighter

My emotions are being overrun

Reason fades

I'm losing control

If only you could know

I need you

The loss of another bright day

Standing in the shadow of the sun

You were my first love

Everything crashes  

Nothing remains

But an empty shell

I want to go with you

Lost forever

With you

If I lose myself tonight

Will it be you and I

A break in the silence

I stare into the sun

This ship on a collision course

Screams ring

As all goes dark

The light won't stop me

I am going home

 

 

 

There was nothing in her eyes,

Cold business chatter,

Let's get this done.

There once was a luminance,

Knowing glances,

Gaze for moments on end,

As if I were the one.

There was nothing in her eyes, 

Cold business chatter, 

Sign the papers,

Done

You had placed floating 
garden on the crest 
of five-headed white cobra. 

The hooded death, 
strikes; when you were 
tending to bonsai. 

Over to moon, 
you send the message. But 
The book was incomplete. 

On the way to 
tiny thoughts, an odyssean 
task to put the right words. 

I will go and 
stand on the edge, to 
watch the glorious senset.

Satish Verma

Will you come for a 
final goodbye in dark. 
I will wear you like a moon. 
* 
The black hole was 
widening. There was no 
sin, if you bring a candle. 
* 
September, morning. 
The cuckoo gives a two-note call. 
Anybody still sleeping?

Satish Verma