New Journal -03/22/2011-

Hey, I finally got myself a job.

Surprisingly enough, my time spent as Liz's go-to boy actually paid off and landed me a job at a national company stationed right along the river. Not smoking paid off, and I passed the drug test and am currently working a forty hour week once again. I'm just an intern for the time being, but if I do well during these potential fifteen weeks, it may mean benefits and a real, honest-to-God job.

Today I was at work and wasn't feeling too hot. I tried to rush to the restroom at one point, and ended up puking all over the stairwell that connects our temporary offices to the rest of the building. I'm embarrassed, but I don't know how I could've controlled the situation. I hope they don't let that affect their opinion of me at all. They sent me home and seemed understanding, but you never know.

Kathleen and I are still doing whatever it is that we're doing. I finally got her to talk to me at length about our possibilities and about becoming an official couple, but she wouldn't give. I considered ending the entire thing, mostly out of hurt I guess, but decided against it because hey - I'm going to get hurt no matter what, so I might as well get as much ass as possible on the way there.

I'm still lonely I suppose, but if a relationship is what I really want, I need to actually get out there and try to find someone compatible with me. I'm trying to build the motivation to be a better me lately, but it's been hard. I've started smoking again already, and while it's really helped me feel peaceful and content with everything, I can tell it's still a bit of an unhealthy part of my life. I've told myself that I'm going to limit my own supply, and that when I finally end up in a relationship again, that I'm going to quit. It doesn't help to be that way all the time when dealing with someone else's feelings, as well as your own, and it only makes things in a relationship more sterile and distant.

Last night, sitting in my living room; I had the windows open to let a breeze in, and I was quite intoxicated and playing a video game. I looked around and was absorbed in the room's dimness. The lighting is so familiar now that I don't even think about it, but the room has always been so dark and heavily-shadowed. It makes you sleepy. But something about the setting of the room and the smell and feel of the air made me think of Megan. When we had first moved in and were enjoying our time together so much, we would often sit drinking some sort of hot drink in the living room and play Folklore on the PS3 in shifts or watch a movie while laying down on the couch. Those were really the good times, and I suppose that I miss them more than I realize. I knew as soon as Megan walked out of my life that I didn't want to be alone; our relationship had been such a struggle that it barely felt like a relationship at all.

I want Kathleen all to myself, but that is the one thing I just can't have. Kathleen fought to keep me around much harder than I had ever thought she would when I had decided to just sever ties completely. Does that mean that she has serious feelings for me and just will not adhere to them? She told me that she had formed true, honest feelings for me and that it "startled" her. I know that I'm kind of a fuck-up, but until now, I never realized how much being a fuck-up could really ruin potentially good things for me. Either way, I'm locked-in at this point. Eventually I'll have to deal with getting my feelings hurt all over again, but I think that it will be worth it to stay so close to Kathleen for a while. I'm shocked by how taken with her I am. I've felt like I've become such a cold person. But I really feel something for her, and she definitely brings out the better side of me.

So I've decided that really, I should get out there and meet some other girls. It'll do me nothing but good to socialize and to really try to meet some new people. And maybe I'll get lucky and meet someone great that actually wants me completely for who I am. Megan never really understood me, and I never really understood her. I want to be with someone who truly gets me and wants to get me. Kathleen makes me feel that way, and other girls will too.

Part of me wants to apologize to Megan about the way things went between us. I'm not sure why all of the sudden, but I do. I want to tell her that I wish I could have quit smoking pot for her. She's so hard to deal with, but she's not a bad person. I never was the right guy to suit her, but I tried to be everything that she wanted. Eventually I stopped trying, and I want to say that I'm sorry for that as well. But it's better for us all not to talk in the end. I miss Megan, and I miss Christina. I miss seeing them and being able to have a good time with them. They made some of my better memories of the last couple of years together, and I wish we could go back to before Megan and I dated and just be okay with them both once again.

I still manage to be so sad despite life getting so much better. I'm going to look into getting anti-depressants, but it may be some time before I motivate myself enough to actually get up and get out there and try to be a better kind of me.

I wish I could be somebody significant. I could have been, I think.

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Things as of January, 2011 (Continued)

Permanent note to self: When you think that something is too good to be true, that's because it is.

Kathleen was kind enough to stop over after work and spend some time with me. We spent a couple of hours talking and kissing and enjoying each other's company. She spoke of the other boy she's seeing. She spoke of her last boyfriend and why things came to a close. I suppose it's my fault for reading far too into the situation and, as I suspected, becoming far too invested in it much too quickly.

My fears were justified, I think. Kathleen is an unbelievably motivated individual. She wants someone that stacks up to her expectations. She's an incredible girl, one that I could fall for easily, but she's already outlined everything for me. I'm here for what basically amounts to her amusement. That makes her sound kind of cruel and she isn't; she's just very realistic, and I suppose that I'm not. Her other guy is in a fraternity and is going to be throwing a party for her the weekend after her birthday. He's invited her to some social dance the school's having. I'm sure he's close to a degree and close to success, just like Kathleen. Even her last boyfriend was studying in the same exact field she was, and he simply didn't stand up to what she wanted out of a partner. He wasn't social enough, and wasn't ambitious enough.

It hurt to hear all of that, because it forced me to turn my gaze inward. I try so hard to filter all thoughts of where my life has ended up. I try to deny how much potential I had, and how little I was able to amount to what I could have been. I don't know why I allowed myself to become what I am. I'm so scared of the thought of trying again. I hate school so fucking much - I always have. I hate the money that it steals from you, I hate the time spent learning about absolutely nothing, and I hate that after all it takes away, all it gives you in return is a piece of paper saying that you dealt with it. I was never passionate about learning. I have never found a subject that I was able to fall in love with. I simply cannot force myself to tolerate something that infuriates me so much when I don't even have a clear direction in which to travel through.

I hate myself so much. I hate who I am. I hate everything I've turned into over the past few years.

I hate that I feel so much pain because of all of this. I allowed myself to believe, even for just a moment, that Kathleen would see something in me and that suddenly, none of these important things would matter even a little bit. I don't want to date. I don't want to just hang out, mess around and call it quits for another week or two while she does the exact same things with somebody else. I'm just not that kind of a guy. I want something real, and I want love. I want Kathleen, but I can't have her. She's such an adult, and I'm such a stupid fucking child.

Look at me. I'm fucking crying over this. I'm not crying because Kathleen has firmly established what her intentions are, nor am I crying because I know that she's probably just going to cut me loose when I cease to entertain her. I'm crying because tonight, for the first time since I can remember, it's truly hit home how badly I have fucked up. And I feel absolutely powerless to do a damn thing about it.

No one is ever truly powerless, but I just can't seem to accept that. And it's all because I'm so afraid of falling short all over again. I cannot figure out this life that has been laid out in front of me. Despite having so much support, and despite the fact that the entire world believes in me even though I don't believe in myself, I just can't. The older I get, the further I drift from what I could have been. The older I get, the more I detest everything about my life and myself.

For the first time in so, so long, I really do want it all to end. I want to simply forget all of the mistakes that I've made. I don't want to think about them anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. I want it all to turn off and go away. And eventually I think that it will all pile up just enough so I'll be able to ignore thoughts of my family and friends, and I'll let myself go. I suppose I don't know that, but really, I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility. Hell's a bunch of bull shit, and once I'm gone, I won't have to hear a word uttered of the pain I've caused those around me. The only reason I'm waiting, I'm guessing, is because I'm a coward.

Recently, I felt I had begun to accept this terrible, pitiful path I've descended towards. I'll be working hard for very little for most of my life, and all the while I'll pursue my stupid ass hobbies without ever making a dent in the world as a collective. I'll settle for a girl that accepts me, though I'm sure that I'll never really be happy with her. Eventually I'll die, and honestly even then, I sort of figured I'd die by my own hand. I've never been okay in the head, clearly, and all I do is continuously damage myself as I age by trying so hard to convince myself that I never deserved any better and never could have achieved any better. I know better, and yet my fear clouds me.

Nobody knows where or why I began to come down so hard on myself. I have absolutely no idea, nor can I even begin to understand why. When did this happen? When did I suddenly decide that I was nothing?

I miss Dr. Diehl so much. I could really use him right now, but I don't have the money to pay for his services, nor does our health insurance cover him. I don't know who to talk to about this. I'm hurting so terribly right now. I'm hurting so, so badly. What the fuck am I going to do now?

I have to detach from Kathleen. I can't keep getting closer to her and feeling more for her, I just can't. I have to do what she's doing, and accept this as nothing long-term and recognize it as something that is only temporary, fun and casual. I don't know why she's even bothering with me. She knows what I fucking am. She knows I'm a fucking loser with nothing going for him.

I know that I'm a sweet, genuine guy. But in the end, none of that matters if I can't back it up with something solid. And this will continue happening for the rest of my life, with every interesting, educated girl that I meet. I'll charm them, we'll talk, and they'll wake the fuck up and realize that no matter how I may be on the inside, on the outside I'll always be a stupid, unmotivated, directionless piece of shit.

Let it all end. It doesn't matter anymore.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Some times, you need to be a little dramatic to get it all out of your system.

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Things as of January, 2011

This is either a turning point, or simply the beginning of a long, arduous pattern.

I have no spare money, and yet I continue to spend because otherwise, there aren't really many ways to enjoy life. I've given up marijuana, and though it's only been about a week and a half, its absence is a cloud of prickling nerves and greedy, some times desperate wanting. I see my friends continue smoking. Some of them have actually given it up alongside me. It wasn't out of support for my cause, but I think that my quitting did serve as something of a wake up call for them so that they could address their own reasons for setting it aside.

I miss it terribly, but my desires are so unhealthy that I'm able to constantly remind myself why I quit in the first place. Outside of being in dire need of a new job, I simply needed to step away and re-evaluate just what smoking was doing for me, and also what it was doing to me. It let me forget all of my troubles and worries and woes, but also at the cost of numbing me to all of the issues that NEED to be addressed. It's not like I was ever any different than any other pot head. I think the only thing that may set me aside from my friends is that it was quite honestly the only thing holding my depression at bay. But I've been unhappy for so many years; I know how to handle myself in times of deep, unsettling black.

I'm so unstable. I've fought with everything in me to remove Christina and Megan from my life, and though the decision made was clearly the right one, it still hurts constantly. I'm lonely. Suddenly, into my life walks Kathleen, a lovely young lady that I've actually been semi-acquainted with for the past few years. We went out for coffee. After spending time having some laughs and drinking with a few friends, we kissed. Shortly after, we found ourselves in bed. She was very forward, but also completely up-front and honest, which was incredibly refreshing. And because my head is constantly somewhere between sick and really sick, I find myself already growing attached to her. In my defense, she is almost exactly what I've always looked for in a girl, and is easily everything that Megan could never have been.

She is seeing other people, and intends to keep it that way. I do understand fully, but she's charmed me so easily. I have to keep control over my sad, constantly fluctuating emotions, otherwise I'll simply chase her away for good and any hope I had will be lost. She seems into me. After we came together, we laid against one-another for some time and talked. Her words were so kind and felt so genuine. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so calm and happy. The way that she speaks, I'm not sure if she is simply too kind for her own good or if I'm managing to charm her to my side. Her life is in perfect order. She's so intelligent, and has everything figured out. She makes things seem hilariously easy. But she says that there are many things about me that she admires. She says that she likes me, and that there's a sincerity in my voice that she enjoys listening to. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm pretty good in the sack. At least, that's what I've always been told.

A guy like me, whose focus is completely skewed and whose aspirations are barely even there, probably doesn't deserve a girl as amazing as she. I fall hard and fast - I know this about myself. But I didn't fall hard or fast for Megan. I have to admit that I wanted someone in my life, and that Megan was the only available someone. I grew to care for and even love her just the same, but it's true. She was a convenience. Kathleen is not a convenience. Kathleen is a pursuit worthy of every inch of me. But I cannot rush headlong into this without observing myself and my surroundings. I have been hurt badly, and I have to keep my perspective clear. The wounds Christina and Megan have left are not even close to completely healed, but I cannot allow that to hold me back. At the very least, I have to try.

Kathleen's options are wide open and she is appreciating that. I believe that she sees me as something possibly worth her time, but I'm certain that my lack of an education, a career and even a decent full-time job alarm her just the same. Assuming she'll simply see through all of that is an insult to her common sense. We're getting older now: this shit matters. A girl isn't just looking for a cute boy to go out with every other evening - she's looking for a future that she can be excited about. All the same, I can say with confidence that Kathleen is the kind of girl that I consider worth fighting for. She can do much better than me, and she probably knows that as well as I do. But I hope that she'll consider me as someone that she could be exclusive to. It would certainly be a beautiful stroke of good luck after the hellish way this past year came to a close.

It's Saturday night and our plans managed to fall apart right around 10:30 pm. After getting drunk and getting laid just twenty-four hours prior, I find myself home alone, writing sad little diatribes about my feelings. This toxic gunk that clots every available space in my conscious/subconscious seems permanent. I may simply be sad for the rest of my life. I can't keep chasing it away with narcotics, nor can I chase it away by simply ignoring it. I don't know if there is a solution to it or if it's simply a "chemical imbalance" or some shit. All I know is that it's there, and no matter how many times I've seen it go, it always returns.

I have no direction. I have given up on school forever. I am broke as all hell. I am recovering from a severe dependency on  marijuana. I am doing everything I can not to fuck things up with an awesome girl that may not even be all that interested in me to begin with.

I am complaining all the time.

I am still the same me I've always been and life is just getting more ridiculous and sad.

I am still complaining.

I'll stop for a bit.


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I have been damned
I have been damned by the status quo

Yall' just see me up and go
To the cabinet to get my gat
I'm gonna have fun with a rattatat
All over your face; you know me, you know this place
This place of suffering and strife
You just need to get over your shitty life

I have been damned
I have been damned by society

Yall' just make me wanna up and scream
Talking on your phones as I walk by
Wouldn't even notice if I did a drive by
Ya'll might as well be dead and zombified
Your life is dead like a fucking drone
Cause you live your life on your fucking phone.

I have been damned
I have been damned by the government

They make me sick they should just repent
Upon their sins of the common man
They feed off the life blood of the damned
They feast off champagne while we fork spam
Living their life as if they're holy
Looking down upon us as if we're lowly

I have been damned
I have been damned by myself

Everything explodes around me as I sit on this shelf
Looking around at everything yet not participating
A dog's life in the chaos of this world salivating
Always busy but not doing shit;
I need to just get off my ass and do it.

As long as you watch the world go by, it never stops
This world is a stage and we are all merely props....


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just some thoughts.  And having fun with punk/rap verses.

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