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Hey, I finally got myself a job.

Surprisingly enough, my time spent as Liz's go-to boy actually paid off and landed me a job at a national company stationed right along the river. Not smoking paid off, and I passed the drug test and am currently working a forty hour week once again. I'm just an intern for the time being, but if I do well during these potential fifteen weeks, it may mean benefits and a real, honest-to-God job.

Today I was at work and wasn't feeling too hot. I tried to rush to the restroom at one point, and ended up puking all over the stairwell that connects our temporary offices to the rest of the building. I'm embarrassed, but I don't know how I could've controlled the situation. I hope they don't let that affect their opinion of me at all. They sent me home and seemed understanding, but you never know.

Kathleen and I are still doing whatever it is that we're doing. I finally got her to talk to me at length about our possibilities and about becoming an official couple, but she wouldn't give. I considered ending the entire thing, mostly out of hurt I guess, but decided against it because hey - I'm going to get hurt no matter what, so I might as well get as much ass as possible on the way there.

I'm still lonely I suppose, but if a relationship is what I really want, I need to actually get out there and try to find someone compatible with me. I'm trying to build the motivation to be a better me lately, but it's been hard. I've started smoking again already, and while it's really helped me feel peaceful and content with everything, I can tell it's still a bit of an unhealthy part of my life. I've told myself that I'm going to limit my own supply, and that when I finally end up in a relationship again, that I'm going to quit. It doesn't help to be that way all the time when dealing with someone else's feelings, as well as your own, and it only makes things in a relationship more sterile and distant.

Last night, sitting in my living room; I had the windows open to let a breeze in, and I was quite intoxicated and playing a video game. I looked around and was absorbed in the room's dimness. The lighting is so familiar now that I don't even think about it, but the room has always been so dark and heavily-shadowed. It makes you sleepy. But something about the setting of the room and the smell and feel of the air made me think of Megan. When we had first moved in and were enjoying our time together so much, we would often sit drinking some sort of hot drink in the living room and play Folklore on the PS3 in shifts or watch a movie while laying down on the couch. Those were really the good times, and I suppose that I miss them more than I realize. I knew as soon as Megan walked out of my life that I didn't want to be alone; our relationship had been such a struggle that it barely felt like a relationship at all.

I want Kathleen all to myself, but that is the one thing I just can't have. Kathleen fought to keep me around much harder than I had ever thought she would when I had decided to just sever ties completely. Does that mean that she has serious feelings for me and just will not adhere to them? She told me that she had formed true, honest feelings for me and that it "startled" her. I know that I'm kind of a fuck-up, but until now, I never realized how much being a fuck-up could really ruin potentially good things for me. Either way, I'm locked-in at this point. Eventually I'll have to deal with getting my feelings hurt all over again, but I think that it will be worth it to stay so close to Kathleen for a while. I'm shocked by how taken with her I am. I've felt like I've become such a cold person. But I really feel something for her, and she definitely brings out the better side of me.

So I've decided that really, I should get out there and meet some other girls. It'll do me nothing but good to socialize and to really try to meet some new people. And maybe I'll get lucky and meet someone great that actually wants me completely for who I am. Megan never really understood me, and I never really understood her. I want to be with someone who truly gets me and wants to get me. Kathleen makes me feel that way, and other girls will too.

Part of me wants to apologize to Megan about the way things went between us. I'm not sure why all of the sudden, but I do. I want to tell her that I wish I could have quit smoking pot for her. She's so hard to deal with, but she's not a bad person. I never was the right guy to suit her, but I tried to be everything that she wanted. Eventually I stopped trying, and I want to say that I'm sorry for that as well. But it's better for us all not to talk in the end. I miss Megan, and I miss Christina. I miss seeing them and being able to have a good time with them. They made some of my better memories of the last couple of years together, and I wish we could go back to before Megan and I dated and just be okay with them both once again.

I still manage to be so sad despite life getting so much better. I'm going to look into getting anti-depressants, but it may be some time before I motivate myself enough to actually get up and get out there and try to be a better kind of me.

I wish I could be somebody significant. I could have been, I think.