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This is either a turning point, or simply the beginning of a long, arduous pattern.

I have no spare money, and yet I continue to spend because otherwise, there aren't really many ways to enjoy life. I've given up marijuana, and though it's only been about a week and a half, its absence is a cloud of prickling nerves and greedy, some times desperate wanting. I see my friends continue smoking. Some of them have actually given it up alongside me. It wasn't out of support for my cause, but I think that my quitting did serve as something of a wake up call for them so that they could address their own reasons for setting it aside.

I miss it terribly, but my desires are so unhealthy that I'm able to constantly remind myself why I quit in the first place. Outside of being in dire need of a new job, I simply needed to step away and re-evaluate just what smoking was doing for me, and also what it was doing to me. It let me forget all of my troubles and worries and woes, but also at the cost of numbing me to all of the issues that NEED to be addressed. It's not like I was ever any different than any other pot head. I think the only thing that may set me aside from my friends is that it was quite honestly the only thing holding my depression at bay. But I've been unhappy for so many years; I know how to handle myself in times of deep, unsettling black.

I'm so unstable. I've fought with everything in me to remove Christina and Megan from my life, and though the decision made was clearly the right one, it still hurts constantly. I'm lonely. Suddenly, into my life walks Kathleen, a lovely young lady that I've actually been semi-acquainted with for the past few years. We went out for coffee. After spending time having some laughs and drinking with a few friends, we kissed. Shortly after, we found ourselves in bed. She was very forward, but also completely up-front and honest, which was incredibly refreshing. And because my head is constantly somewhere between sick and really sick, I find myself already growing attached to her. In my defense, she is almost exactly what I've always looked for in a girl, and is easily everything that Megan could never have been.

She is seeing other people, and intends to keep it that way. I do understand fully, but she's charmed me so easily. I have to keep control over my sad, constantly fluctuating emotions, otherwise I'll simply chase her away for good and any hope I had will be lost. She seems into me. After we came together, we laid against one-another for some time and talked. Her words were so kind and felt so genuine. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so calm and happy. The way that she speaks, I'm not sure if she is simply too kind for her own good or if I'm managing to charm her to my side. Her life is in perfect order. She's so intelligent, and has everything figured out. She makes things seem hilariously easy. But she says that there are many things about me that she admires. She says that she likes me, and that there's a sincerity in my voice that she enjoys listening to. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm pretty good in the sack. At least, that's what I've always been told.

A guy like me, whose focus is completely skewed and whose aspirations are barely even there, probably doesn't deserve a girl as amazing as she. I fall hard and fast - I know this about myself. But I didn't fall hard or fast for Megan. I have to admit that I wanted someone in my life, and that Megan was the only available someone. I grew to care for and even love her just the same, but it's true. She was a convenience. Kathleen is not a convenience. Kathleen is a pursuit worthy of every inch of me. But I cannot rush headlong into this without observing myself and my surroundings. I have been hurt badly, and I have to keep my perspective clear. The wounds Christina and Megan have left are not even close to completely healed, but I cannot allow that to hold me back. At the very least, I have to try.

Kathleen's options are wide open and she is appreciating that. I believe that she sees me as something possibly worth her time, but I'm certain that my lack of an education, a career and even a decent full-time job alarm her just the same. Assuming she'll simply see through all of that is an insult to her common sense. We're getting older now: this shit matters. A girl isn't just looking for a cute boy to go out with every other evening - she's looking for a future that she can be excited about. All the same, I can say with confidence that Kathleen is the kind of girl that I consider worth fighting for. She can do much better than me, and she probably knows that as well as I do. But I hope that she'll consider me as someone that she could be exclusive to. It would certainly be a beautiful stroke of good luck after the hellish way this past year came to a close.

It's Saturday night and our plans managed to fall apart right around 10:30 pm. After getting drunk and getting laid just twenty-four hours prior, I find myself home alone, writing sad little diatribes about my feelings. This toxic gunk that clots every available space in my conscious/subconscious seems permanent. I may simply be sad for the rest of my life. I can't keep chasing it away with narcotics, nor can I chase it away by simply ignoring it. I don't know if there is a solution to it or if it's simply a "chemical imbalance" or some shit. All I know is that it's there, and no matter how many times I've seen it go, it always returns.

I have no direction. I have given up on school forever. I am broke as all hell. I am recovering from a severe dependency on  marijuana. I am doing everything I can not to fuck things up with an awesome girl that may not even be all that interested in me to begin with.

I am complaining all the time.

I am still the same me I've always been and life is just getting more ridiculous and sad.

I am still complaining.

I'll stop for a bit.

Goodnight.