PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Permanent note to self: When you think that something is too good to be true, that's because it is.

Kathleen was kind enough to stop over after work and spend some time with me. We spent a couple of hours talking and kissing and enjoying each other's company. She spoke of the other boy she's seeing. She spoke of her last boyfriend and why things came to a close. I suppose it's my fault for reading far too into the situation and, as I suspected, becoming far too invested in it much too quickly.

My fears were justified, I think. Kathleen is an unbelievably motivated individual. She wants someone that stacks up to her expectations. She's an incredible girl, one that I could fall for easily, but she's already outlined everything for me. I'm here for what basically amounts to her amusement. That makes her sound kind of cruel and she isn't; she's just very realistic, and I suppose that I'm not. Her other guy is in a fraternity and is going to be throwing a party for her the weekend after her birthday. He's invited her to some social dance the school's having. I'm sure he's close to a degree and close to success, just like Kathleen. Even her last boyfriend was studying in the same exact field she was, and he simply didn't stand up to what she wanted out of a partner. He wasn't social enough, and wasn't ambitious enough.

It hurt to hear all of that, because it forced me to turn my gaze inward. I try so hard to filter all thoughts of where my life has ended up. I try to deny how much potential I had, and how little I was able to amount to what I could have been. I don't know why I allowed myself to become what I am. I'm so scared of the thought of trying again. I hate school so fucking much - I always have. I hate the money that it steals from you, I hate the time spent learning about absolutely nothing, and I hate that after all it takes away, all it gives you in return is a piece of paper saying that you dealt with it. I was never passionate about learning. I have never found a subject that I was able to fall in love with. I simply cannot force myself to tolerate something that infuriates me so much when I don't even have a clear direction in which to travel through.

I hate myself so much. I hate who I am. I hate everything I've turned into over the past few years.

I hate that I feel so much pain because of all of this. I allowed myself to believe, even for just a moment, that Kathleen would see something in me and that suddenly, none of these important things would matter even a little bit. I don't want to date. I don't want to just hang out, mess around and call it quits for another week or two while she does the exact same things with somebody else. I'm just not that kind of a guy. I want something real, and I want love. I want Kathleen, but I can't have her. She's such an adult, and I'm such a stupid fucking child.

Look at me. I'm fucking crying over this. I'm not crying because Kathleen has firmly established what her intentions are, nor am I crying because I know that she's probably just going to cut me loose when I cease to entertain her. I'm crying because tonight, for the first time since I can remember, it's truly hit home how badly I have fucked up. And I feel absolutely powerless to do a damn thing about it.

No one is ever truly powerless, but I just can't seem to accept that. And it's all because I'm so afraid of falling short all over again. I cannot figure out this life that has been laid out in front of me. Despite having so much support, and despite the fact that the entire world believes in me even though I don't believe in myself, I just can't. The older I get, the further I drift from what I could have been. The older I get, the more I detest everything about my life and myself.

For the first time in so, so long, I really do want it all to end. I want to simply forget all of the mistakes that I've made. I don't want to think about them anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. I want it all to turn off and go away. And eventually I think that it will all pile up just enough so I'll be able to ignore thoughts of my family and friends, and I'll let myself go. I suppose I don't know that, but really, I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility. Hell's a bunch of bull shit, and once I'm gone, I won't have to hear a word uttered of the pain I've caused those around me. The only reason I'm waiting, I'm guessing, is because I'm a coward.

Recently, I felt I had begun to accept this terrible, pitiful path I've descended towards. I'll be working hard for very little for most of my life, and all the while I'll pursue my stupid ass hobbies without ever making a dent in the world as a collective. I'll settle for a girl that accepts me, though I'm sure that I'll never really be happy with her. Eventually I'll die, and honestly even then, I sort of figured I'd die by my own hand. I've never been okay in the head, clearly, and all I do is continuously damage myself as I age by trying so hard to convince myself that I never deserved any better and never could have achieved any better. I know better, and yet my fear clouds me.

Nobody knows where or why I began to come down so hard on myself. I have absolutely no idea, nor can I even begin to understand why. When did this happen? When did I suddenly decide that I was nothing?

I miss Dr. Diehl so much. I could really use him right now, but I don't have the money to pay for his services, nor does our health insurance cover him. I don't know who to talk to about this. I'm hurting so terribly right now. I'm hurting so, so badly. What the fuck am I going to do now?

I have to detach from Kathleen. I can't keep getting closer to her and feeling more for her, I just can't. I have to do what she's doing, and accept this as nothing long-term and recognize it as something that is only temporary, fun and casual. I don't know why she's even bothering with me. She knows what I fucking am. She knows I'm a fucking loser with nothing going for him.

I know that I'm a sweet, genuine guy. But in the end, none of that matters if I can't back it up with something solid. And this will continue happening for the rest of my life, with every interesting, educated girl that I meet. I'll charm them, we'll talk, and they'll wake the fuck up and realize that no matter how I may be on the inside, on the outside I'll always be a stupid, unmotivated, directionless piece of shit.

Let it all end. It doesn't matter anymore.