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Life Expressions Volume II Her image floats across the windows of my mind
Softly as a whisper, caressing my psyche like a feather.
Times like these, concentration is hard to find
As I strain against reality's tether.
Slipping earthly bonds to that Utopian plane,
Where our passions can run free and wild.
I am consumed by the lustful flame
Of this unrelenting demon child.
She enters my dreamscape,
To milk the energy of my lust.
For me there is no escape
To have her, I must.
I awaken almost dead
Energy gone, nothing left
I try to stand but collapse back in bed
Where I can feel her fingers deft.
She plucks at my soul, easily as a grape
Draining me of my sensuality.
In this cesspool of lust with a soul that has been raped,
She, finally, lets me be.
I enjoyed this piece. I've certainly felt this way, but about guys obviously. There's one specifically that rakes me through the coals. I definitely wind up feeling drained with my desires. Thanks for sharing. I don't feel so alone now. :o)
And, by-the-way : : I liked it very much ; "Darkly Mushy" works for me! Teddy (Pls excuse my mis-spellings, as I was in a hurry to comment). The Succubus thing is pleasantly frightening.
"Poe" I'm not, nor "Rich" am I,
but I'll be famous, b'ye and b'ye !
Huck, one man's opinion:
Line # Comments:
1 I would like for you to TELL me about that
image, and those windows, not just suggest to me
that this all happened.
2 Too much cliche: TELL me when you heard such a
soft whisper, and WHAT's in your psyche.
3 "Times like these..."; WHAT kinds of times? "No
concentration? TELL me: where IS your head at
times like this? TELL ME! T E L L M E!!
4 What is the "tether" holding you and Reality
together? I want....N E E D...to know!!
5 "Slipping earthly...", is this in a dream? Or
in "A Dream Within A Dream"?, a la E.a.Poe?? Tell
me! Where is "Utopia" for you....for her? Is it
WITH her?? TELL me!!
6 Good line, fine meter, excellent image, trans-
portive idea!!
7 How were you "consumed"? Vaporized? Burnt-up?
Melted? Incandesced-but-intact?
8 Oh!, this needs SO much expansion!!
Excellent "...unrelenting demon child." I would
have said: "Of this e'er-demanding demon dream",
but that's just MY way. But this quatrain needs
EXPANDED!! There is SO MUCH in it to explain!!
9~12 "She......must." NEEDS NO HELP! A
totally mesmerizing quatrain.
13~16 "I.....deft." Much as fine as 9~12. EXCELLING!
Just a little-bit too forced on "deft."
17 I'd prefer "peels" vice "plucks", since that IS
what one does do to a grape!
18 "Draining" does not really apply to "sensuality",
which a person may have and/or feel even though
asleep! "Draining" may apply to the viscosities
and the vicissitudes of sex, though.
19 A very powerful collection of cliches, but
rendered quite impotent by the very vastness of
the collection itself! Like much before it, a bit
of expansion would make it more powerful. Its
potency dilutes itself.
20 Fine. It leaves me hanging, waiting, expecting
a longer collection of syllables. But, if your
intent was suspense, then it has worked well!!
suspense, it has worked well!! I wanted to see
expressed, the flacidity after the expression of
the turgidity. (It's "guy" thing!!)
HUCK, without YOUR inspiration I couyldn't have begun to be a constructive critic. I could not have written, unmotivated, a piece like this one of yours! But I hope this "inspired" critic has been at least "interesting" to you. "Darkly Mushy", yes, but a bit too-too, in one man's opinion. Sincerely, Regardez, Teddy.
"Poe" I'm not, nor "Rich" am I,
but I'll be famous, b'ye and b'ye !
Huck, this is easily one of the best,if not the best poem you have written.
Yes somtimes Lust is a succubus...
comes in the night and drains us
of all our vital energy...
I enjoyed reading this one.