13 Reasons Why, 6 Million Reasons Why Not

I've lost more than i care to remember, I've gained some of it back

Memories, loved ones, things

I'll never see some of them ever again, and the ones i will don't recognize me anymore

I could name the names but i would rather keep them locked away

Just like the memories of happier times

The drugs and alcohol are the only things that will never leave me

Even now I'm shaking trying to type this

 

I said I would quit, but that was a lie

I said I loved you, but that was a lie

I said I would live for you, but I don't know how to

We swore we would never hurt ourselves or each other, but that was the biggest lie

We were bringing new life into this world and into our world, but that was a lie

 

All these lies I would like to lock away and forget about

But I'm not allowed to am I?

13 names, 13 Reasons, Lucky number 13...

There should be 14 but we never came up with a name

6 million reasons why not, everyone says

But those 13 names, 13 deaths I've seen

7 of which i have found, alone

The 14th...had no choice in the matter

 

She blamed me for everything, it was my fault she's dead.

All I had to do was not relapse, but I lied

 

I lied to everyone, I lied to myself

I'll never forget these lies

These lies define me, these lies are who I am

These deaths are all my fault, I should have stopped them

Said anything different than what I did

 

 

I'm sorry

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I am a fan of the Series "13 Reasons Why" but there are 14 Names of people i have lost, and of those 14 i have found 7...and the 2 most important i was blamed for while i was behind bars.

 

it's not much of a poem...more of a way for me to talk about these things in the only way i know how

In poetry form

 

Thanks for reading

The Anonymous 1

Jesster's picture

This is really intense

Addiction is a difficult path. 

 


Copyright © JessterStarshine

DemonizedPoet's picture

Thank you

Being clean with all of this in my mind is the worst. I appreciate the comment


The insane way to pay the price of humanity

Is to never stop the battle

Fight til your final breath

And pray someone wont forget

Jesster's picture

Forgiveness

In order to heal, it is important to forgive ourselves. Remember that. You can talk to your own heart. Make friends with him. Take some long deep breaths and tell him you are sorry for everything you put him through. Thank him for being there always and continuing to beat. Wait silently for the response.  Form a relationship with that little guy in your chest. Then go serve your community. Help others get clean. And stay clean! You might just find healing in doing so.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying these things.  But trust me, if you start talking and listening to your heart, you will start to see a real shift. 

 

Peace and love in light.


Copyright © JessterStarshine

DemonizedPoet's picture

forgiveness

I am Buddhist, so meditation is something i do my best to practice and part of that is listening to everything. I have listened to my heart, it still hates me for locking it away and allowing it to break. The type of healing that it needs is the type that will take the rest of my life to fully achieve


The insane way to pay the price of humanity

Is to never stop the battle

Fight til your final breath

And pray someone wont forget