PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

by DaddyO

To set the record straight, I think MarcTaylor's writing shown below  DOMSPACE - TLDR: Unresponsive=Unsafe is brilliant. 

That being said, I have found out the hard way that sarcasm is not a good method to use regarding triggering subjects that many people consider tantamount to rape. Sarcasm essentially becomes a "rape joke" and the points you were trying to make become lost to the very people who you most want to hear it.

His analogy did inspire me to make some mental comparisons between his "Domspace" idea (which firmly places the Dom in the role of unapologetic abuser or rapist) and the subspace many Bottoms desire to achieve.

But I think we are talking two different things:

The Top must focus on and be able to display "control."

The Bottom must focus on and be able to display "responsiveness."

Both the Top and Bottom must be able to COMMUNICATE WITH ONE ANOTHER!

So regardless of what a Bottom's declaration regarding how responsive or unresponsive they get in subspace, it's still the Top's responsibility to maintain alertness and control (the power has been entrusted).

But I also realized how absurd it can be to put one's self in that situation without plenty of safe guards.

The way I look at it, always play with someone who believes they can be alert and responsive enough.

That is still not enough. This is why RISK AWARE Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K.) is a better term to use than SAFE, sane and consensual (S, S&C), and why PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY in consensual kink (P.R.I.C.K.) is the ideal.

Especially for more seasoned players or in relationships two enter into.

A Bottom's prior scenes may get them to say "yeah, I am able to use my safe word/wiggle my fingers/say no", but that first time you both discover they really are not able to do it, it becomes quite devastating if you have pushed passed a boundary.

How do I know? This has happened twice to me. Twice have I gone past my play partner's boundaries without being aware of it because no safe word was able to be given. I should say, "twice that I know of", because many Bottoms are afraid to tell me, opting instead to just not play with me again, or "warn others in the community."

The feeling is not just "bad scene" devastating, I am talking "life changing devastation" complete with feeling shame for hurting someone you cared deeply for, feeling anger in how it played out when you thought you were doing the right thing, doubting your own sanity, and falling from grace with many former friends who now think you're a monster. The repercussions from an incident like this have brought me a lot of self doubt, anxiety and regret. Add in the fact that I have played with a lot of newbies and younger women, and the label "predator" gets stuck on me.  Never mind that the two women this happened with were both in their late 30s/early 40s and very intelligent.

The first instance was with a former babygirl of mine. I whispered into her ear asking for an affirmative reply before proceeding and received the answer: "You do what you have to do, Daddy."

The second time was with a different partner several years later. In this scene (our second or third scene together), not only did I not know or realize a boundary was being crossed, she didn't either! It was only after almost a year later that she "realized" she had been in "rope subspace" (from a prior scene, mind you) and could not respond when she was invited into a predominantly sexual scene that was not even really involving me, I just led it.

So back to the subject at hand...

You wouldn't get into a vehicle that had broken warning lights or speedometer, but I know from experience those signals can fail mid-drive.

Sure, it's "the car's fault."

You are tempted to say: "How the heck did I know the engine was overheating, the check engine light never came on?!"

But ultimately the driver still is responsible for the vehicle's maintenance as well as driving it safely, even when the meters are not all working.

Recently a person on FetLife came to us and proposed dating, playing and potentially ultimately joining our relationship. I was tempted to proceed, since she was quite attractive to me and both of us enjoyed her company.

Again to use the car analogy, despite wanting to hop in and go for the ride, we chose to do an "inspection." In doing so, we found out the meters were in a language we just couldn't understand if they were present at all.

We set our boundary to not play with her.

So the real question I would like to ask in all of this:

Who are those who Bottom and become unresponsive in subspace (or have broken meters) supposed to play with if people who know what they're doing (like MarkTaylor) consider it a hard limit?