I Need Help

I'm lost. I'm beyond lost. I feel like there's a darkness growing inside of me and it's like I can't stop it. I'm getting to where I don't know what I believe in. I've been questioning the existence of God. Like is He really real or just a form of brainwash? Or things like if God was really real and was such a good God, then why does he let His people struggle and suffer through life? They say God doesn't put more on you than you can handle, but then why do people commit suicide? They do it cuz they can't handle the pain and situation they are going through anymore, so how is that statement even true? How can God let someone get to the point to where they don't care if they die, they don't care and they actually do wanna die? I'm at the point with my life. I don't care if I die. I wanna die. But I have reached out to God and I've asked him to help guide me back to Him, but I've not seen a sign from Him.... So it's like why should I really believe in God? The thing is, I know God is real... God was the one that saved my life. If it hadn't been for Him, I may not have seen 25. I may not have been given the chance to have my 2 beautiful daughters. I might would be dead right now. But this darkness that's growing inside of me, it's burying that lil light inside of me. I need help. I hate feeling lost. I'm tired of feeling lost. I want my life back. I wanna post things about God and know in my heart that I mean it. I wanna say I'm a Christian cuz I know in my heart that I'm saved, not say I'm a Christian cuz a part of me still believes in God. I want to be back on that path to Heaven. I wanna feel God's presence in my life again. I can't do this on my own though. I need help. I need prayers. I need someone to help guide me back towards God.