Mom

My memories of you seem to be fleeting as time goes by.

The ones I do have, I wish I could erase but unfortunely I can't.

What saddens me is that I lived with you for 18 years and can barely remember any of those memories.

I was more than blessed to have had you  in my life for 27 years.

They were bumpy years I do remember that.

We clashed a lot I can remember that much.

I used to think it was because we were so much a like but I found out many years later it was much deeper than that. 

 

The memories I have of you, I will carry with me to my grave.

I try not to think of them, however when I think of you those are the memories that come to mind.

So forgive me if I don't think of you as much as I should, but I know you and I know you would understand.

You would tell me to remember the love we had and that would be enough without having to go through this memory

or that one to bring a smile on my face.

 

You see, the first memory I have of you is this one.

Gene and I were leaving to go home, and you were standing in your garage.

You were wearing your gray slacks and white blouse. 

And as he was about to pull away, I made him stop so I could run back in the garage and give you a hug.

I recall us hugging so tightly and me crying and tell you how much I loved you and that I was so sorry for being such a bitch to you.

And I had asked you to forgive me.

You would have thought I wasn't going to ever see you again.

 

Looking back on that day and that hug, I would never see you in perfect health again.

My next memory of you, you are hooked up to some kind of machines and you are so fucking brave when you told me that you were dying.

I had to take Xanax before I came to see you. 

But it didn't help, because hearing those words still brought me to tears and took the air out of my lungs. 

Yet you were brave and never shed a tear.

You had said you had your day of grieving and sure enough you did. 

By the way I admired you courage and still do.

 

How did we go from a healthy and happy hug to hearing those dreaded words?

What the hell?

Was that hug a foreshadowing what the future was to hold for us?

Did it jinx something?

Because my God it sure as hell feels like it.

 

My next memory of you is the one I see you in a hospital bed in the living room.

I see you looking at the traffic pass by on the busy highway down the hill from your house.

I see the look on your face.

I had never seen you look so sad in all my life. 

It still breaks my heart to remember that look on your face. 

I have always wondered what were you thinking?

What were you feeling? 

Did you feel anything?

I know you weren't afraid of dying.

You were ready to go home to our Lord Jesus Christ. 

I wasn't ready for you to go and to be honest with you, I am still having a hard time with you being gone and it's been almost 18 years.

 

My next memory of you, I see you in your casket. 

I would call that more of a nightmare that never ends.

I don't believe it's a memory to be honest. 

I remember putting my warm hands on your cold ones.

I tried to warm them up yet I knew it wouldn't do any good but still tried. 

I even begged you to come back and told you over and over that I loved you and missed you the moment I found out we lost you.

I prayed for a miracle that never came.

I have always believed in them and I wanted mine.

But it never came because you aren't here.

 

My last memory of you is when they carried you up the hill to lay your tired body to rest.

I know your soul went home to our Heavenly Father and that you are no longer in pain. 

But mine started the day you left me here to deal without you being in my life.

 

Momma you aren't forgotten. Nor will you ever be. Don't think that I don't miss you because I have missed you since I our last conversation. You left me way to soon. I love you so very very very much!!   

View monkeygirl74's Full Portfolio
allets's picture

The Beginning Of The Autobiog

Good starting place-memories are unforgettable pieces of ourselves- sometimes they fade or get lost. ~S~



Onyamaichi

 

MonkeyGirl74's picture

these don't seem to fade.

these don't seem to fade. they just stay and when i think of her thats what comes up. nothing from my childhood. 


She believed in the power of being a monkey!

allets's picture

Memories a la allets

Great childhood memories, my teen years were hip, then jazz and writing ate my young adult spaces. I am me because of what happened next. Great and horrible memories and the ones forgotten, I can't remember 'em! :D



Onyamaichi