the first time

we did it we

danced furiously

feeling the rythms

curling our toes

blind even

to the music

two at-one

in a melody

enchanted and



moving in deliberate

improvisations i

draw you in

to me

so close oh

baby don't breathe


lose the beat

and I shall





if you lead me

i will follow

you across the floor

ever so delicately now


size elevens

moving dangerously close

to private parts

across the floor and then

down the stairs and

out onto

St. Mary's avenue



about freedom isn't it

the way the music gets

inside of you

makes you crazy

reeling outwards

don't stop to think

let the rythm

move you only

don't forget to





the music

starts and we

take our places


this one's rehearsed a

thousand times or

four hundred and eighty nine or something...

to be exact...(but

who's counting?)

so maybe this time

the old rythms'll

stir the

sleeping beauty of

that first dance

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The nubered verses should be placed around the *verse which should lie in the center of the page.

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karlmcallister's picture

Hey thanks alot for your comment. I appreciate the real criticism ... ie) not just "hey I like this one" kinda stuff. I'll look into the thing about not being able to feel the music in the 3rd and 4th verses. I tend to write very stream-of-consciously, and this poem has really never had some serious editing so you're probably right. On the other hand, if you feel the music dying as the verses continue, that may be emotionally if not entirely consciously intended. After all, that is exactly what is happening in the poem: the music is dying. Unless of course, as I believe, those old rythms really can still stir the sleeping beauty of that first dance. Thanks for the critque, Karl

Bryan's picture

You know this one has a really neat feel to it. It seems kind of Dennis Cooleyish, so that's good, right? The dance 2 3 4 you 2 3 4 home 2 3 4 has a rhythm that's almost intoxicating. Some parts of the poem seem a little awkward in comparison, but it might be too much if you made it all the same rhythm. Still do you see what I mean about the third and fourth verses. The words are right but you can't feel the music that you do in the first ones. And what the fuck does St. Mary's avenue have to do with it?