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I hate

to talk

about 

it

oh my god i can't breathe

it's hard to talk about it.

it really is hard to measure

the words

what will i say?

will i say it wrong?

will anyone believe me?

there isn't enough

emotional weight

in the compendium

of the english language

no, there is no

precise word

only broad swordstrokes

wild, emotional swings,

no

not a swordstroke

an unmeasured

sucker punch

i was raped.

oh my god, it feels wrong, just to say it, everyone has an opinion about it

but please, just shut up, shut up you have no idea

so shut up!

and LISTEN

i've been

telling the same story

with different characters

my 

whole

life

and not once

have i figured out

why

why me?

why then?

why them?

why there?

why

ME

for years

and years

what am i

supposed

to

do

with

YEARS

and 

YEARS

of

BAD MEMORIES

i just want to scream and shout and shake somebody, grab them by the shirt collar

and SHAKE them, really rattle their brains, their eyes, their world!

and ask them:

don't you know about the horrible things that happen here,

don't you KNOW what it's like?

but

they don't?

i don't 

know

it's so hard

to even talk

about

i feel

like

i'm gasping

for breath

it's all wrong

what did

i do

wrong!?

 i know

that i

didn't

do anything

wrong

I know it wasn't my fault

the same way

i know that proxima centauri

is the closest star to our sun

or that

there are seven

billion

people on the planet

i know it's not my fault

but

i

don't

care

because

i don't

feel like

it's not my fault

i can go for days without

remembering

i can go

weeks without panic attacks

but it doesn't really

go away

some days

i 

just 

feel so

BAD

but

some days

i don't

i'm not glad it's over

because i'll

never be glad

that it happened

i'm not grateful

for what i've learned 

from 

surviving

but i won't waste this 

hard-won

knowledge

i do not forgive

and 

i can't forget

but

i guess

i'm still okay.