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Release
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Melted Wings Don't Fly If only I could bring you Happiness
If only I could end your pain.
I wanted to give victory and success
and remove all evils which remain.
I needed to hold you when you cried
I wanted to be there to dry your tears.
But I couldn't contend with darkness inside
and all the shit from over the years.
So I had to go and be on my own
I had to release and be free
So now here I sit all alone
And hoping you never return to me.
If I could I'd do it all again
Although you almost brought my death.
Thanx to you I learned my friend
To beware those who steal your breath.
your poem reminds me of the man that every girl dreams of. and girl that your writing about clearly didnt see you. great poem keep writing
Jimmy,
I love u so much u know i do. u have been the only friend that has stood by me through out my problems. I think u are a great writer. I never knew u could write like that. I have never seen this side of u since the day we met. I have always seen the less serious side. Becare over there jimmy and come back to see me.
Hi, JL. :) Advice? I think you are doing fine.. just keep feeling your way through the words. Maybe not try to rhyme in some? Just say what you need to say, and try to say it in a unique way. I'll help you, but it has to come from you, so that you learn it, you know what I mean?
I like the candor, you are very up-front. One thing that will help is to expand your literary and verbiage range.. the words, try to use less-used words to say the same thing, if that makes sense to you.
Here is my take on this piece: (as a suggestion)
Release
I couldn't bring you happiness,
it wouldn't have ended your pain.
I wanted victory and success
at removing the evil that remained.
I needed to hold you when you cried,
I wanted to be there to dry your tears.
But, I couldn't contend with the darkness inside
and the shit from all those years.
So I had to go on my own,
I had to release you to be free,
now here I sit all alone
hoping you never return to me.
If I could, I'd do it all again,
though, you almost brought my death.
I learned a valuable lesson,
beware of she that steals your breath.
Just some spiffing up! Rhyme is good, but it doesn't have to be forced, it will begin to come more naturally, that is something only learned through lots of practice. I have a lot of older poems that look somewhat like this. Keep writing, you will find your voice! Check out my newer pages when you have a chance!
Hope I have given you a fresh perspective! :)