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Home Again
I’ve come back home after 10 years. Maybe even more. It feels surreal in some aspects, and as if I never left in other ways. Idk what I feel on the spectrum of happy/sad/nostalgic. I feel lonelier in some respects, but in other ways I feel like I’ve come full circle. Connected back to who I was and my two worlds are merging. I’ve started reading again. The magic of words casting their spell on me as if time never stopped. Or passed shall I say. I feel like a different person, but all my longings are still the same. I feel disillusioned in the warmest and fuzziest ways, with a mind that’s too clear and aware of reality. I feel like I get lost in the dream worlds of my books and all the feelings come flooding back. The feelings of promised tomorrows, fulfilled dreams, and the potential for a dreamy life. But I mourn it all because I’m acutely aware of reality. Life is not nice. It’s not horrible either. But it’s not dreamy. It’s not romantic. Only when you rewrite the stories of your past, does it seem to take on that dreamy edge. But living it wasn’t that way. It felt mundane and the eagerness for tomorrow carried you through the days. I know this now, I know reality now. But my books, they give me that dreamlike existence again. Does it have any point? What’s the point if it isn’t real? I’m not sure. I’m caught between wanting to be present and wanting to live in la la land. Do we get rewarded for the sadness that encompasses as we mourn a life that can never be, because it doesn’t exist? Life is hard and seldom dreamy. Words are my comfort, my pillow, my warm embrace. Maybe I’ll exist in two worlds that merge only within my heart.
Very expressive
You offer a lot to ponder.
I suspect we must write the present in future tense, to live romantically. And we must always feel memories in the breeze, the temperature, the certain light of the day and the certain ambient sounds to meet the same ends. To live in the moment when it's a moment shared, and to live outside the moment when we are feeling alone and trapped.
All the best, and appreciation for your sharing.
Thank you for that advice xo
Thank you for that advice xo
This is a very profound
This is a very profound essay, and it touches upon certain aspects of my own struggles which have caught up to me during this late stage of my life.
Starward
Thank you. It certainly feels
Thank you. It certainly feels confusing. Ultimately life is leading in one direction, and I fear that 'inner turmoil' is all these thoughts will ever amount to
I have come, after decades of
I have come, after decades of struggling with it, that inner turmoil is part of our human nature in this broken world. But, to suggest a metaphor, the only reason stars produce light and warmth is due to the seething turmoil in their cores as countless atoms slam into each other to release that light and warmth.
Starward
I like that.
I like that.