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The pain in my soul

the hate in my heart

and all my fears about showing these emotions.

As these thoughts cycle through my mind

the tears begin to rain down

bearing with them

the pain and shame, I've buried over the years.

Around me, I franticly search the faces of family and friends.

But all I see is their happiness of the progress I've made

the health I've fought for.

They use me as an excuse for the happiness they've bought

only now they want more.

So for their sakes I smile

and juggle the pain that kills me by degrees

and the smile etched upon my face

all the while I struggle

and pray I don't break.

I give them hope

I lift them up when they fall

show them that miracles can happen

that prayers can help.

Yet inside my mind screams at me that I'm fake.

As I'm writing this

my composure begins to break

and all the while

I begin to question again

why I wasn't allowed to die.

The tears now flow

as I begin to cry.