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Glitter In The Fray
Glitter in the Fray
Have you any idea?
Have you see a single clue?
Do you know how you affect me?
Do you see how it affects you?
Your heartlight shines to brighten my soul
And of a brighter light I know none.
But to get so close as to enter your heart
Is to burn up my eyes in the sun.
For the love you serve to my warming heart
Is a fuel that flows but one way:
A plea that beacon's from an injured heart,
And for justice can't wait for the day.
But again, I know, that your love is sincere,
Although mine yet shant be taken.
Yet Dear, your's shines to warm my heart
And add glitter for my love foresaken.
You use the word "heart" a lot and that’s not really describing a feelings. It reads a lot like a short cut.
"Your heartlight shines to brighten my soul", I'm not sure what this means, she makes you what? What does soul mean? It’s a very ambiguous term; I think maybe you should simply say how she makes you feel, that would be poetic.
"But to get so close as to enter your heart
Is to burn up my eyes in the sun." This is better this sounds poetic, but the again the use of "heart" is distracting, what about her makes your eyes burn? You don't really say, you just mention getting to her "heart", what does that mean?
"For the love you serve to my warming heart
Is a fuel that flows but one way:" "Heart" again, how does her love serve you? It serves your "heart"?
I don't mean to sound so critical but if your intention was to use the word “heart” a lot, and not describe how you feel then you did a good job. The use of the word “heart” is not however a substitute for describing how you feel, so I hear this word used a lot but I have no idea what it is your feeling, because your not saying what your “heart” is feeling. I did however like your rhyming scheme, it’s pleasant and easy to read, not jumbled and awkward with pauses and stops, it flows very well.