dissociative
19 and Naïve
WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece.
To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could.
I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board.
You're not alone.
-G.B
19 and naïve
Lonely
Desperate
She rides the 5E down the line
It's 11 PM
Past her bedtime
Work in the morning, she'll sleep in
One shot,
One night,
One boy who never paid her mind
Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair
He's finally noticed her
She's coming at his midnight beckon
Houses with closed blinds fly past the window
Ever closer to her destination
her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes
A man boards the bus,
waves a glove in her face
Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,
insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth
She sidles past and steps outside,
Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping
She's walking
Walking
Walking
Towards the house in the middle of the street
The house he's waiting for her in
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting for his chance
Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,
Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace
They enter,
A staircase leads up
to a room
The room
The room with posters
And a laptop
And an inflatable mattress
'We're going to watch a movie'
It's not a question
We are
I am
I sit, but he wants to lay
His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear
'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'
My brain starts to ache
Confusion
Throat becomes sandpaper
I've forgotten how to breathe
I don't want it
Hands now roaming my body without permission
Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach
I'm going numb
His mouth on mine
This isn't how I imagined it
Fighting back against bile rising in my throat
When did I become naked
He tells me I want it
I still don't
What happened to the movie
I just wanted a movie
He's inside me
Everything hurts
His face is ugly
And I think I hate him
He tells me to shut up
I can't
A hand strikes me
Shocking
Stinging
'I told you to be quiet'
Strong hands now hug my throat
A violent embrace
I want to cough
I can't
Squeezing
Gripping
Spots dance before my eyes
Tears threaten to fall
Please don't betray me
Trying to maintain
I can't
He grabs my face
'Are you crying?'
There's amusement in his voice
It's a game to him
He soothes me
Wipes my tears
Before resuming
Mouth to my ear again
Hissing
Growling
'I love raping you
I love raping you
God it's good
Dirty whore
I know you love it'
I'm there for years
I think I flew away for a few of them
Up
Up
Out of the room with the inflatable mattress
Out of my body
The body that rejected me
Made this happen
Nightmare
It's finally over
A lifetime has passed
I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside
I am dirty
Defiled
Hurting
Alone
Angry and
Betrayed
Now downstairs, he pulls me on his lap
Another man is there and they casually chat
They're laughing
I'm sick
And I think he is too
Going home now
I'm back
I'm alive
(I think)
It's so cold
I work tomorrow
I'm going to sleep in
