Chasing the Rain - seeking critique!

4 replies [Last post]
Carcass's picture
Offline
Joined: 2015/03/01

Here it comes now

It falls down like hail

A picture perfect suicidal tale

 

Rain falls on the mirror

Smudge into a blur

Blood smeared on the pavement

There's nothing left of her

 

As blood fills the lungs

She speaks in tongues

Unnamed

Eyes roll back in her head

There's nothing left to begin again

Not before pleasure takes her away

 

Every breath I take

Is with a punctured lung

My feet are dragging

In the wrong direction

You say that you never cared

Yet you followed in my wake

You shed a thousand tears

For the demons you create

 

Release my mind from memories

Though I'd rather be apart from reality

Two time junkie with a death wish

Realized too late, death isn't bliss

 

The drums pound in my chest

A test to prove I am still alive

Never thought I would survive this nightmare

I can't say the same to the woman at my side

 

As blood fills the lungs

She speaks in tongues

Unnamed

Eyes roll back in her head

There's nothing left to begin again

Not before pleasure takes her away

 

Every breath I take

Is with a punctured lung

My feet are dragging

In the wrong direction

You say that you never cared

Yet you followed in my wake

You shed a thousand tears

For the demons you create

i_fell_on_deaths_wings's picture
Offline
Joined: 2003/05/04
enjoyed

Right up my alley with my kind of subject matter. 

"Realized to late, thAt death isn't bliss." --- amazing insight... Unable to correct that mistake   

Carcass's picture
Offline
Joined: 2015/03/01
Thank you

I'm glad that you like this. The majority of my songs/poems on this sight are dark. Feel free to browse them!

 

Regards,

Matt

allets's picture
Offline
Joined: 2012/08/19
Repetition

makes it a lyric - interesting portrait. Dark is depressing and the mood is sad and gloomy. You would write great short stories macabre. Move over Rod Serling and Alfred Hitchcock. Hitchcock wrote short scary stories that scared me tremendously. From this one to your current work, you have arrived. Same themes, same tone. :D  - allets 

 

 

word_man's picture
Offline
Joined: 2003/06/08
comment

i really enjoyed this great write!

ron parrish