PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

This galloping, intense and: This galloping, intense and very identifiable expression has great potential, and being the innately gifted poet you are, you can certainly tweak it into an even more engaging work of art.   As someone who kicked off the boots of metered verse decades ago, I almost don't feel qualified to analyze your rhyme scheme, but it was something that played an important role in my experience with this poem, so I'll go ahead and give you my impressions. Don't think I have anything against metered verse, in fact, I greatly admire the old masters and anyone today who can meld thundering eloquence with delicate musicality as you did here.   I first noticed your internal rhyme in the first five lines, giving the impression of a forceful yet natural pulse, like a heartbeat. This really clicked, considering the wrenching emotions, but it seemed the lines that packed the greatest punch were those with perfect rhyme and meter.   Not that all slant rhymes are an abomination. My first literary crush, W.B. Yeats, used them, but you have to use your own inner ear, sense of rhythm and intuitive voice to tell if they work. Some of your lines are dynamic and savagely beautiful because of the symbiosis of impeccable meter, rhyme and substance. For example:   "Father time grows older, The empty space grows colder"   And these traditional lines that sing:   "I am here but you are there stuck in the yesterday of her atmosphere"   (Slanted, but it works!)   The sixth line began a tercet followed by a couplet that had the feel of a chorus, and it made me imagine this as a song. An amazing song. As a separate stanza, this could be majestically emotive. In the words: "I cannot reach you now,/  I don't know how" there's a heart-crushing descent. It's perfect.   My suggestion would be to go into an almost meditative state and truly listen to the entire poem and then polish it accordingly while retaining, as much as possible, the brilliant phrasing.  This is something you have to do for yourself, and I'm certain the results will be stunning because this was a delight to read and dissect. I hope I didn't overstay my welcome.   My sincere respect and admiration.