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Am I better or am I worse?

Is pain my undying curse?

Sometimes it feels like I have awaken,

But something happens and my heart takes a shaken,

I close my eyes and try to sleep,

Then I wake up in my own bloody heap,

I've been betrayed so many times it's crazy,

To guys I am considered a weed not a daisy,

To my trusted boyfriend I gave him my virginity,

It was only months later that he raped me,

When he finally got rid of me I was glad,

Now he tries to get back with me and I get mad,

He won't take my punches to the face as a sign to go,

I'm about to commit first degree murder and earn death row,

A door appears in the walls and I find my way out,

This is an easy way to end my pout,

When I thought I saw happiness it was just a mirage,

Instantly I am stuffed back into Satan's garage,

Pain overrides my happiness like once before,

I was nothing more to them but a whore,

Slowly getting over it I fight my urge to cut,

But it's not long before I get into another rut,

Taking the knife I try to end it all today,

Tired of sulking in the endless gray,

Mind over matter and I am flawless,

Used all my might but the knife remains stainless,

My pain remains mental,

Staying silent ends up being penal,

Locking up all my pain in the chambers of my heart,

The only way to find them is to tear my chest apart,

Either way they won't be found until I am dead,

All my problems are simply written in red.