PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

It's 10:35pm and I'm laying wide eyed. Sleeping isn't much of an option when my dreams are as bad as my reality. My mind plays tricks constantly giving into my fantasies only to wake up and see that that was it,  a fantasy. I struggle to pull myself together knowing that no matter how much I hope for a better tomorrow I'm in the same place I was 3, 5, hell even 10 years ago. I don't want any pity, I already pity myself too much. I want a change in life, but I'm too scared to act on it or even when I do I automatically fall back and give in to anybody's demands. I've always loved my culture but now it's suffocating me. How am I so different from how I was raised? Should I not be tough, douchey, hateful, or overly self centered? I mean sure I'm douchey and selfish at times, but I'm so weak. And then it hit me, I am the product of my parents flaws. My dads stubbornness, pridefulness, selfishness, pettiness, annoyingness, and narcissist mentality. My mothers self-forgetting, self-sacrificing, selfless attitude, and how she lets herself be disrespected. What a perfect child I came out to be. Maybe someday I'll be in a better place where I can look back and say it was worth it, everything I endured built me to a successful person in life. When will this be, where will this be? I don't know. I always have more questions than answers. Only time will tell. I'm stuck in two mentalities, one in which I'm done and have given up on myself and in the other I like to "believe" I'll be in a better place where I'll be genuinely happy. So much more clouds my mind but I think it's time I take a break from it all and make some art through the sound of my little uke.