PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

i am supposed to be an example
yet all i do is stumble
i try to do right
but all i do is fall short
to my old ways, back to the old days
what am i doing? (i am relapsing)

i feel no shame stealing prescription drugs from my little brother
hell, he looks up to me, i am his everything,
and he hands them to be because he knows it makes me me feel better.
he thinks its fine that he may run a few days with out his aderall,
and miss homework assignments and disrupt class because he cant focus,
becuase his brother is at home snorting the only thing that helps him succeed in school
man am i fool, for influencing him into believing that this lifestyle is cool.
i fake sick in hopes he would satisfy my need for a buzz
what kind of brother am i to take your pills, to enhance this feeling?
feeling of always speeding becuase everything else is standing still.
but i am speeding backwards to where i used to be
and influencing the Innocent to think is cool to be like me.
jaded and always returning to sunder i know my little brother wont blow my cover.
i even tell him straight up and he just hands it over.
no questions,no answers he just enjoys i am home after years of never coming over
becuase being six years absent he feels behind on our relationship
its obvious hes only afraid to lose me again.
the saddest part is he is only 10....

it didnt stop there i started hustling pain pills from the cabinet to intensify my self medicating fascination
pills that stopped the pain to a parents chronic illness, i tried to stop but they give me my favorite feeling.
i know its sick and so twisted that i cant stop no matter what the deal is, i am trapped and this house is so damn oblivious
yet it was so easy, and mindless i didnt think twice i just did it again and i admit i am so heartlless
it was too easy so i just simply did it again with less dignity each time i try
to tell myself i i wont get hooked i thought as a few moments pass by,
i couldnt help but to steal the prescriptions for just one more high

i drive their car, i dont pay rent they give me all that they have spent
i work and never cash my checks i save it all, ( all for what?) its just so screwy and bent
as i mooch off my parents checks and dont chip in to help pay the bills
as they unknowingly have a son stealing thier prescription pills
i have it easy. i have perfect. and all i do is take advantage.
of the hospitality, the privacy and the currency. of everything they have worked for
because i need to escape from this shitty world and just try to run
yet i dont show any sign of appreciation for all they have done
i am sorry mom but your son is really not what you've thought he would become
if i could go back and change this, i might have been able to help everyone.
well everyone but myself. because i am so selfish i dont know what the word enough is.

i did my time and it taught me nothing
i fell deeper into things i never used to even try touching
i am stealing from family to satisfy my lust.
for what, its sad that i cant stop even a second to feel bad as i abuse their trust,
or even hesitate at the fact i am so wrong,
but my mind forgets all about it and eventually ill just drop it and move on.
each day its more and more and i cant stop it
and with all the willpower i thought i had, i figured i could overcome
god help me stop it. yet the feeling is so good. i really cant shake it.
too good that i feel this is how it should,
feel when life is going good.

it makes my guilty conscience shut up for once
it relives all problems for a short time being
and it feels to good to give up this craving
i am self destructing into something i worked so hard to not become
but the more i fight it the harder i fall down
why not give in and just accept it
i know i am wrong but somedays it just seems so sadomasochisticly damn worth it.

fallen dreams dont matter when i am nodding out
in my bed planning to reach oblivion and setting out
making my own world rise under the setting sun
i tweak for days and dream for weeks when i truly want to just feel numb
yet i never know when ill wakeup and accept i am weak. and a failure son.
these situations seem to just tare me apart. at the seams.
it makes it worse that i just keep lieing and telling everyone i am clean and serene
and it seems like its all been a lie from the start, i didnt even correctly make it to the day twenty one
i fell, but figured that high wasnt a slip but, really a necessarily and an acceptable one.
when i am far from neither and i should really be asking for help and trying to get back to the sun.

the one time i had time to see a fellow friend
i met him in the place where all hell was supposed to end
rehabilitation, he was my best friend
i saved his life once when he slipped and when he needed a hand
i picked him up because i truly for once knew someone that could understand
it gave me strengh knowing i was able to help someone for once.
it was an instint high it lasted for days i even forgot about my situation
and how i slipping through my cracks but i figured it no longer mattered about me
i could help people that are suffering like me
i felt like i met someone that could help me get through this little slip
i never mentioned it, and it eats at me that i cant share this with anyone because i a feel like i have lied since i started this trip
i can help others but i refuse to ask for help when i know it is offerd
but i played it off like i was strong and could fight it. but really the struggle made me trip and do a back flip
and i cant even play it off like i landed on my feet.
i never truly got up and i am to afraid to admit to my defeat
i figured i was able to maintain this lifestyle and walk away from it like man

well the day i was supposed to visit and drop by and sit and talk
i blew it off to snort so much Vicodin i couldn't walk.
i replaced a valued relationship with a short codeine high.
i lied to him and said i didnt have a car to get by
and i felt as if the weather was just too cold to drive
they were just simple excuses so i could get high
well its me slipping and i blew off what i once saved
i feel terrible but damn that was a great high.
it wasn't worth it the more i think and its just making me contradict everything that i speak
yet i feel so guilty that i did it but how do i even tell him i no longer cant relate.
i am using again and i cant handle starting over again, its the hardest thing a man can overcome
i am so affraid of losing the last person i know that can understand
yet i am affaid to ask for help because i consider myself a me're man
these problems just make me sink and forget
and it happens all so quick that i simply dont have time to even hesitate
and think of a way to escape these problems i purposely fall into and aggressively instigate
i never wanted this burden when i just want to forget
how to feel and sometimes lose all sense of what i could have done ,
i want to be numb and content with what i have, witch i cannot do.
i am to true to what is so bad i keep falling and leaving a wake of more problems
and more terrible situations with life ruining outcomes
what am i doing i cant stop
i am falling and i dont know when to drop and give up what i got
i know ill hit the bottom and i will just stay and lay in my own wake
of self created Sodom and absent motivation and inspiration
to fight with desperation to try to at least maintain or simply be in motion agian

i should have learned, i lost it all once before
a car a house dignity and so much more
i wonder what the person who found me half dead would say
when i told him i snorted 6 lines of narcs today
i cant glorify this problem like so many people can
how do some people live like this and enjoy what they can
it seems possible to manage the improbable
a lifestyle full of fun and wild experiences
witch is what every person wants and dreams and wishes
to live happy careless and wild and free
....or it is just me.

its horrible to be wrapped and stuck in a prison inside your head
because only you can set yourself free and when you take that drug for the first time...
that part of you is already dead. and absent you can no longer be set free
i am no role model, no person of inspiration. have low expectations for i am no hero.
i am just a zero with an addiction and a problematic disposition to just fullfilll this empty hole
someone save me please. i just want to run away... agian
but my second voice is pushing all those helping hands away again.
it will never end again and again it just keeps coming up and starting all over again
i guess i truly am sick, at the fact that i get a hard dick over this lifestyle
because i always had a wild style, and i always wished to flaunt it and to glorify my alternative way of livinh
it feels so good but so short lived,only if i could control it and be able to handle what i call "zen"
i just wish it was maintainable but its a contradiction to everything that should be striven for
obtainable or not its such a reckless wish to even attempt to live.
because everyone in life has so much more to give than institutions and fake codeine feelings of pseudo-happiness
for the real thing is so much better, it lasts longer feels stronger. yet it doesn't have a dealer with a descent price

i am sorry for what i may have caused but i dont know how to stop anymore
or even if i ever learned how. i was dorment and during those times i played it safe,
i knew i couldn't help myself if it ever became in reach or at a descent price
i never had confrontaions with the things i couldnt possibly come in contact with, face to face
i found it laying around the house and i couldn't resist no matter how hard i tried it was always in my face
and forever in my dreams and the back of my mind
it was barley a fight to try walk away or let that high replace this place
and i now really have no place for that high is forever in my face'
its the highs place because its what i live for
unwillingly and reluctantly it just occurs out of bad habit when you try to drown a past problematique
unaproachable my space is my only place, because the influences on me have destroyed my faith
and wrecked my reputation as being a trustworthy friend and being a welcomed face
it was my mind that sought out those things,

the influence guided me, unconsciously to ruin all that truly meant everything to me
becuase i lost all communication and contact with everyone no opinions or conversations to influence my actions
i stared at a wall for three months wishing it would just fall and crumble over
on top of me trapping me benieth that would become my grave and set me free
free from all these mindless self obsessions and narcissistic social-path indulgences
me, myself, and i, create a terrible combination for each part of me is longing a separate addiction
from numbing me to be without feeling,
to the co-dependence of a lovelust relationship
and just the simple yet unachievable obsession to just shed my skin

yet when i snapped back into society, working again i realized i never fit in with modesty and comformity
i was completely off set from what everyone was really projecting through thier body language around me
i instantly felt alone and still absent to the feeling of warmth and commonalities.
and all social situations turned to devastation,
frustration twords the fact that i had no recollection relation or history
and i walked in only knowing only my key tags and 12 step proverbs as who i actually was.
i choked because everyone was so distant and judgmental
at the fact i had my past hanging from the metal crest of my car keys.
i was alone i felt like i was the only one in a group that had a different nationality
modesty, ignorance and geographic differences set me feeling like i was trapped and already labeled a misfit
a dangerous one, an untrustworthy one. and simply just the original one classified as the weird one
still leaves me staring at my ceiling wishing for something sudden and life changing would just fall in my lap
and change my standstill, crumbling, displaced, demolished, and unbearably boring train wreck life over night
i am broken and torn and scared by my past and i cant move on.
still these short lived mood lifters are the only thing giving me the push i need to move on.
for i dont kow these people and my head is cluttered with clouds of smoke
so i just push on igniting on anyone that came close
to my reinforced barricaded over engineered wall built to keep everyone out including myself
because i was afraid they would make me spark
but i just destroyed all long term relationships with my overly rude remarks to keep distance
i hate people i thought because i felt so hurt from the start. i figure i would just be resistant
to what opinions people had about me. i could careless if they all despised everything i spoke of
i forgot kindness and passion seems long to extinct that my creativity just grew so dual
but i realized whatever i say is the opposite of what i actually mean.
my plans on being clean, means i am just trying to hide this codeine scene
my rude remarks and confrontational sparks
really means i am suffering from not having any relations
i forgot how to be me i am the only person i really have seen in six months.
its like solitary confinement, its harder than confinement
i would take refuge in a prison in a heartbeat if i could just escape this loneliness
it was so close to killing me before, it almost had me if i didnt have an unplanned rescuer come and find me
ill take anything to self medicate to prevent that ever from happening,

watching my ceiling fans spin or getting my fix with a codependent friendship that suffers like me
that only comes around when i have the cash to excessively pay for a few seconds of numbness and short relief
because i am so needing human interactions and i am simply just taking what i can really get. to just get by
isolation is a homicidal killer separates you from everything worth fighting for,
it eats away at your conscience and gives you rapid thoughts of dark unwanted terrible self harming sensations and desires
when you get sucked in the chances of escape dim over the seconds you fall into it
it occurs at the most unpredictable but also the most vulnerable of times,
i have been there before and this problematic absent minded dispossession is the only keeping me up
i am not sure what to make of all these situations i just suddenly brought up,
or even where i would run when this shit meets the sun.
and its clear as day that i again have a problem that i cant outrun.
or even what after all this what i might even possibly truly become.
but this is just a big excuse to all the things i shouldn't have done
i cant deny i destroyed what i probably really positively could have become
but all they were, were far-fetched dreams that would have never truly come.