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if i could just go back.
change the pace at witch i was walking down this road.
to a selfish circle of demise.
i would make the right turn.
ive turned left too many times in my life.
and its time i do it differant.
drugs or no drugs..
ill just do it differant.
displaced, more than ever.
wrong place at the wrong time.
the things i ingested to just fill the void...
well i am left with feeling discomfort and anger.
for everything i cant have.
well ill one day steal it from everyone that i come in contact.
never happy.
always running
from failed relationships.
one sided agreements.
that took this life.
witch is no more.
ended it once.
but i am still here.
forever here.
wont try agian becuase i cant die.
or so it seems
someone always has to try and save this.
a gesture to whats left of myself.
i am slippin.
i can taste it.
i can taste it in the pills i take.
abuse abuse abuse
its my middle name
it makes me feel complete.
whole valued and almost a have a soul.
i am a user and god knows i abuse,
you and anything i can get my hands on.
i am not here anymore.
a creature exists.
i havnt seen the sun in 3 months.
i have been replaced.
a 12 step porogram replaces my intentians
my confidence
and replaces my personality
for i am full blown nothing
was drugs now just nothing
i feel less off them.
i could care less about anything.
i only desire me. my mind and what i cant achieve.
i have a craving to destroy a life.
mine has been.
so the question is who's next?
i already wrecked so much.
just call me the storm
i come and go leaving no positive results.
a sea of angoish
a bishop of disaster
reality hit me long ago.
i cant change who this is.
i hate it more than you.
i feel more helpless more than you
and its me.
or whats left of me.
i cant change.
once a junkie always a junkie
never had a halo.
never will achieve one.
my intentions got the best of this.
i could leave unnnoticed now.
that might be what i do.
ghost.
this sobriety is such a drag
it puts the real wieght of the world on life.
lucy and cocain were the best friends ive had.
a loner i always been
and they were great comfort
i am more than a little curious how i got in this state
anger is all thats left
no use for anything of use.
i desire pain
and only my addictive intentions.
destroy rebuild only to destroy
too many mountains i dont feel like climbing
the procrastintaing leaves me here broken
my wings are clipped i can no longer fly
i have the desire to fall so ill jump anyways.
when i hit rock bottom atleast ill have the rocks for company.
12 steps...well there is one more
its called relapse...
its number 13
its not written in the books tho
i cant change my hardwiring.
i refuse to try now.
my phone quit ringing long ago...
i am all alone
its a bizarre feeling....
the feeling of reverse aging
i am getting younger
more immiture
and i like it. its satisfying
my need to feed on my self destructiveness.
the hero never wins anyways.
well i can do the addiction differant this time
ill stick to hard shit
i wont fuck with alcahol...that was the problem.
not the narcs or coke or halligens.
i will create my own world
a one where i only exist.
its in production right now estimated time of finish in about 12 hours.
no one is around anymore it wont matter.
i have these talking walls to keep me company.
i can taste it. the intial bite is everything i desire.
yet the after taste is unbarable...
so ill just keep eating it till I am gone not the taste.
ill be sure the intial bite will always be there.
to the end.
well it never ends.
just same shit differant day.
i dont even remeber what day it is.
i dont need help in this.
ive screamed for help soo many times before.
but its never come
scizophranik i am becoming..
i need my self back
i need my desires.
my flaws.
i need it all back
even the drugs.
no fuck it.
i just want the drugs back.