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FOREVER YOUNG



C.O.O.R.D.S. mission,

in QuangR NamF Province

(if you were there, you know)

just before the warm week-end;

a short trip,  Da Nang to Hoi An,

Safe-Hand delivery, a quick two-hour trip,

& then a Friday to relax in when it was done.

To My Khe Beach, with the civilians & the locals.

Oysters & Ba Mui Ba, all chilled & all waiting for me.

But it didn’t happen just like I had it planned. Not at all:

















I REMEMBER AGAIN AND REMEMBER AGAIN;



I WAS FIRST TO SEE THEM : YOUNG MEN,



SOMEONE’S  SONS.  LYING FACE-UPWARD,



FACE-DOWNWARD,   SOME,  NO FACES,



BUT YOUNG MEN,   NOW FOREVER YOUNG.



LYING QUIET,  IN THE SAND, & BY THE ROAD.



SOFT, SILENT,&  STILL ;  SOMEONE’S SONS,



FOREVER YOUNG.









SOFT, SILENT, &  STILL,  I  BECOME, TOO ,



FOR THERE HANGS IN THE AIR, THIS RED MIST,



THIS CLINGING, AWFUL DEW,  RED,  RED SWEAT,



WHICH MADE RED SAND AROUND EACH OF THEM, TO BECOME



THE COLORS OF SUNSETS……...BUT NOT BEAUTIFUL .



& NOT LIKE SUNRISE,  BUT JUST SO RED,



RED, LIKE THE BLOOD IT WAS,



OF THE YOUNG .













NOW THE SUN WAS MAKING ME



A TARGET,  BUT  I COULD NOT MOVE .



I COULD NOT MOVE;  I HELD MY BREATH ,



& IT WAS SILENT, AS SILENT  AS………DEATH .



UNTIL THAT MORNING I ‘D NEVER THOUGHT—



NEVER THOUGHT AT ALL—I’D LIVE SO LONG



TO THINK IT TO BE SO UNLUCKY



TO BE YOUNG.











THE SIGHT !     I CLOSE MY EYES ,



BUT THE SIGHT !  THE SIGHT LEAKS IN !



IT BRINGS UNBIDDEN TEARS



LIKE THE SUN NOW ON THE RED SAND .



THE SUN!   OH !   THE DAMNED SUN



& THE SCENT IT RAISES OUT OF HELL ,



THIS SWEET, STINKING SCENT FROM THEM,



THESE MEN SO YOUNG !









OH!!

These men!

these once-beautiful

young, & beautiful men!

If only I could find all of them!

I would  bring them back together!

But they’re not all here! All is not here!

So much is gone, all apart! Where have you gone!

Never returning! Where have you all gone!

Now, where shall I go to find rest?

Have you gone to rest?  Where!

Where is there any rest

for these men,

beautiful

young

men?

"OH!!

My brothers!

Why are you lying

so still!?  Why don’t you

RUN!!  Run! Hide! Run! Hide!

OH!! I am here!  I will save you!

Come, I’ll save you!! I’ve come to save you!

OH!! You are so far apart! Too far! I can’t reach you!!"

Running, from one to the other, to another, to the other    

to the last one----”Oh!, Brothers!!  Oh!, Brothers!!!

But I become instantly so exhausted,

& crumple to my knees  amid them.

Silence slipping softly, surging suddenly,

surrounding, sweeping in over this sad sanguined sand.

Sickeningly, smotheringly, sadistically, seductively, stealthily.  

My tears

a mere

sprinkle

of life,

“Requiesat

In Pacem Eternam”,

WHY do I hear Bach!!

“I see your done duty,

OUR honor,  but here I

do not see or sense any fear!”

An inward echo here amid the haunt

of this Death’s damned desolate desert.

Sea birds are hovering, crabs are moving in

to feed---& there is the smell!!  Cordite & flesh!!

And, Oh!,  the blood, the blood, the BLOOD, dark!

So very dark, red velvet in the sand, & still

hanging,floating, swirling in the air!!

Blood runs to the sea, blood flows

toward my home, where I

want to go home!!

But there are not any

frontiers now, nor country

we’re in.  Only the "One World" we're in.

No cause for being here;  I’m simply possessed.

Kissed by the opiate fire,  into utter oblivion!!

Hurled with your futures into blazing hell,

by the blast of very Hell itself!!

Sacrificed by war’s hellish

sacrament: Destruction.

Now you lie silent,

but not

dumb:

the

mute

shriek

of your

last devotion

is ever in my ears,

& forever in my heart .

These young, silent sentries,

these odd poses, pieces, lying so still now,

guards at this silent entrance to my own future....

“Oh!, you are so broken! What can I do!!??

There is nothing that can save you!

Oh!,What can I do?? What could have helped

to spare you, to keep you safe from death, then?

And what can I do now? How can I ever relieve this??

I want to honor you, recognize your sacrifice!!

Your nation loves you, those whose you are.

Your trial is over, &, in a way, you have escaped.

But you will ever be remembered, & never forgotten!"

The crushingly beautiful, but undeserved dignity

of dead Warriors.....is THIS what Peace looks like??!!



FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN





((( My fury has suddenly faded out with this sight.

There is no time for courage in my surprise.

There is suddenly no hurry left in life…….

I simply am here, & all these young men

are all gone! ALL GONE!!  Everthing is GONE!

Memories—-gone!  Hopes-—gone!  Past & Future—-gone,

gone into the red mist still hangs----how long has it been??

We are here together!  There is only NOW!  & I am here with you!!

All, trapped in this scene of horror;

the Horrible Dignity of Heroic Death.

This rage is a surprise, this rising disgust at wars!!

Oh!, my suddenly stunned, stinging eyes!!

I am ready for battle,offense,defense—

but what could have prepared me for this ?? !!

Oh!, this sudden, crushing sorrow!  How can grief

strike so quickly, so deeply, so painfully, so awfully?

I remember facing death before, just a month ago, a week ago.

When facing death, stare-to-stare, there is no time,

and no room for any kind of emotional baggage.  

No relief for this awesome sadness:

it is holy, Body and Blood.

So holy, TOO Holy.

So,

this

is what

Peace is like?  

Peaceful? Sleep?

The sleep of these all-Innocent,

Sleep caused by the Damnable architects of War.



FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN







"Kill or die! Kill or die!"

(These tears,

now, 34 years later,

are no requitement

for my fears, then.)

“I need to help you, brothers! Oh!, I need to help you!”

A voice was saying “Run away! Oh! Run away!” But out-shouted

by the other voice that pleaded  “Help them! Go help them!”.

Before I thought, I jumped out & ran to them ,

ran right in to the middle of that carnage!!

"Oh!, Damned Aceldama, another field, accursed  field!!"

These lives, become shattered & shredded, lying so still.

Fragments of Life’s crystal, no longer shining;

we've become a darkening stain on a chaste, pure Eternity.

"Where have gone all our dreams?  

This leaves me hopeless!

We are forever dead; we are forever Mystery.

Where have gone all our dreams?

Grisly terror has left us in strange Peace.

Where have gone all our dreams!

Where have gone all our dreams!

Where have gone all our dreams!"



FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN





Oh!, God!!  OHHGOD!! Here’s one ALIVE!! ONE ALONE!!

The others, they all stink, but one, he still lives!!

Somehow he is breathing!! I hear the pull & blow

of a butterfly of flesh fluttering where his throat had been!!

I see the rise & fall of his chest, the only part not ruined!!

There is no face, nor hands, nor legs, but yet he lives!!

& he has no voice, no way of sounding!!  Not  bleeding!!

But he has lasted, nearly silent, only sighing & torn apart!!

“Oh!, Brother, my Brother, HOW in hell  have you lived??

No eyes, no nose, no mouth, no face, no legs, no hands!!

And Death you have deceived, tricked into by-passing you.

Yet who can know, who can tell  for just  how long yet??

I cannot--–ever---put you together again, but I CAN do

this….I can let you go.  I can let you go! ! FREE!!

My brother, forgive!!



SO VERY YOUNG, FOREVER YOUNG.



Oh!, Brother, forgive, forgive!! Oh!, God, forgive, forgive!!

Brothers!, at my feet you lie; so peaceful now,        

Brothers, in your blood I kneel,

adding my useless tears

to your immeasurable

Sacrifice of Life.

Your pledge  

to duty!

Honor!

I ask you: Forgive !!

What could we have  done

to receive this, undeserved!!

My Brothers, good-bye, & I so sorrow

as I let you go.   This is all I can do!!

Forgive me!!  I would want this for myself !!”

((The ugliness of life is so evident in him!!—the grasp

of death so chill & stark, yet death must come,

& in its advent, also beauty & calm!))

“Requiesat In Pacem Eternam”

echoes again, the only

sound there is.

Still....

He dies.

But, I can’t!!

I can't escape!!

I can’t get out!!

I cannot get away!!

I can only go inside

myself more, & MORE!!

& MORE, &   M  O  R  E  !!

OH! GOD!   N O   M O R E !!



FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN







WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN  REFUGEE &  ESCAPEE!!??

BUT NOW THERE  IS  NEITHER  FOR  ME  !!

OH!, GOD,  SEAL MY MIND DEEP!!   SEAL IT!!

GOD, SEAL THIS MEMORY, OH!, SEAL IT FAR AWAY!!

& NEVER EVER, EVER LET IT COME TO THE LIGHT AGAIN!!

((lawn-mowers:in my yard at summer terrorize me

like the just-missed helicopters: Dust-off, too late))

There are moments when it is easier to die than live;

and, some moments, easier to kill than die;

how are we to choose??



“Oh!,  did you know,  did you feel,  did you see?

Oh!,  ALL,  A L L   is gone, & you are Forever Young!

Oh!,  ALL,  A L L   is gone, & you are Forever Young!”

Oh!, ALL, ALL is gone, & we are Forever Young!"



(((Succumbing to this overwhelming passion

of being confronted—SURROUNDED—PERVADED--by Death

& these dead, Oh!, so trapped by unseen force, needing to flee,

to survive being the first instinct, INWARDS WAS THE ONLY WAY!

The only thinkable direction—the ultimate direction-- was suicide:

to join these

dead.

An awful option, but so, SO enticing at that time. How could I do it??

Would God forgive me??

“Young” does not mean “innocent”, anymore;

but don’t they say “the dead are always innocent”)))

WHO grieves for men who are unknown??

How can such  strong feeling  instantly

overwhelm  & so unexpectedly??

Raped of our innocence,

these men are  ME!!!!

I HAVE DIED

I'M HERE!!

TOO!!

Just as they.

I could have been here

before this; but was “lucky”.

Who is there who can forgive me

for my choice?? Or condemn?? What would  I,

myself, have wanted to have done? God, what have I done??))

Now it is time for the silent warriors to weep.

OH!! YOU OLD MEN who sent us here!!

What have you done to us!!!, you old men!!

You senile, slurping, sucking, sycophantic old men!!

You sycophants!  Look into these faces, seek to find

the depth of devotion to country, and loyalty

to their people!  It IS there!!  

You fantasize of Peace

while WE die!!  

You squirm in your slimy menage-a-trois,

you Leaders of nations,

Leaders of industry,

Leaders of the Damned!!  

YOU BASTARDS, DAMN YOU!!!

What have you made us do!!

“It is an honor..”,

you said,  "..to come here

& to do this!!"  What have we done, ourselves!!

We offered our allegiance!! You asked, & we swore our allegiance!!

But what do we have now??   What do YOU have of us now, old men??

You take our lives, & put us in places you’d never go, not for LIFE!!

You TAKE our lives away in places you do not, WILL not  know!!

&  our lives are taken from us again, or those who don’t die

have this terrible memory--all of us, the same memory

of death!!  For BLOOD knows no nation!! Not NOW!!

You take away all our Beautiful Country's colors,

and you wrap us in your own drab camoflage!  

You lend to us NO-ONE'S honor!  

You remove our dignity!

Now, hopeless Hope!

Now Timeless Time!

Dreamless Dream!

Endless End!

But neither

Hope,

nor Time,

nor Dream,

nor End, can

snuff the inferno

lit by this match!!

Now Peace & Rest far,

far beyond Man's

very worst of

indignities!



(Cognitive Fugue Sonnet)



FOREVER UNFORGIVEN





Heavy on

my conscience,

always in my mind:

Old and so Young,

are we not still

someone's

child?

??





FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN







OH!!, GOD !!    I WANT TO GO HOME !!



OH, GOD !!   I CAN’T FIND THE CALM !!



WOULD THEY FORGIVE ME IF I MADE MY OWN! ?



IT WOULD BE SO EASY!!  NOTHING TO FORGET !!



NO DREAMS !!  NO HISTORY !!  NO REGRET !!



FIND THAT UNDISCOVERED LAND !!   PEACE!!



I WANT TO GO HOME !!...…OH, GOD !!



WAS!       I!       E  V  E  R!      YOUNG ?





~~(( COME, OH COME, SWEET DEATH

COME, OH COME, FOND  HOPE  )) ~~

('67-8 folios in here)







NOT  “ENEMY”  NOW , NOT  “HOSTILES”,



JUST WE SILENT WARRIORS HERE.



WHERE  WE  ONCE RAGED AGAINST EACH OTHER,



NOW, SUDDENLY, I LOVE ALL WARRIORS,  AS  BROTHERS .



PERHAPS THESE WERE AS RELUCTANT AS I



TO BE HERE .   SURELY THEY’D RATHER BE ALIVE,



EVEN TO BE HERE IN MY PLACE,  LOOKING, CRYING, BUT



ALIVE ,  AND   YOUNG !!















I WONDERED IF I’D EVER FORGET ---



OH!, HOW I ALREADY WANTED TO FORGET---



BUT THE PICTURE HAD BEEN TAKEN .



I WAS THE FIRST ONE THERE ,



& HAD TO TELL, & WAIT,……& WATCH .



I HAD TO WAIT, & WATCH, FOR HOURS .



MY, OH , MY,  HOW TIME FLIES



FOR THE YOUNG !





After this dark midnight

at noon, ANY sunrise,

ANY NEW morning

After ANY dream at all,

will seem good, so very good!

(( War-tanka set, 1968, in here))







I HEAR THE KEENING CRY OF MY MOTHER—



BUT         N   O   T       JUST  MY OWN—



I HEAR THE  GROANING  ACHE   OF THEIR FATHERS—



GOING  ON,  SO ALONE—



I FEEL A BURDEN,  LIKE GUILT OR SHAME .



WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN NOW, OH, WHY



WHEN  WE  ARE SO YOUNG ??



FOREVER

& FOREVER

& FOREVER

& FOREVER………

FOREVER  YOUNG.                                      







EPILOGUE



Who will ever know

of the lust & passion

of Life of which we have

been denied, and how will they care?

So far from our homes, each of us, and yet

although we're only  young, we each have become

of the unforgotten, more "Ancient-Nameless-Faceless";

casual casualties, accidental victims.

There is no rescuer but ourselves.

Certainly in the wrong place,

in hell at the wrong time.

But now rage is dumb,

youth sadly spent,

futures all gone,

pasts forlorn,

all so sad,

ALL GONE!

gone

but FOREVER UNFORGOTTEN,

though as dropped

into that nameless sea,

that sea without any shore,

knowing no surf, nor any depth;

that sea  that can never have a meaning,

& no anchor can touch bottom here, or find

what has enveloped us; & no reaching can reach

the depths of fear,the depths of anxiety, the depths of  Death.  

There is nor ever has been any cause…except this triple-cursed curse of war &

youth & Death;

the curse that will stay  FOREVER & FOREVER &

FOREVER  YOUNG.





To "Care-giver":  I've talked to some who say that they've "been there".....but

they haven't.   And anyone else who's "Done that" hasn't showed up yet.  I'm

sure I wasn't the only one to have done it.  But those who care are sincere:

they're not lying, they mean well, but it just comes across as a lie.  We who

HAVE been there need to talk, but when too many "realities" get together, we

CAN'T talk!  Nothing is left for feelings now, after it's been so deep inside for

this long.  Nothing is left for words to tell.  We share niceties, & look at our

patches, & the visible scars, & we feel many still-fresh wounds.  There are

usually only quiet tears, some visible, especially with old squad-members.  No

words.  Just looks.  Some hearts seem to have become different.  Some of us

still can't care.  Some can share memories, some who were there.  And there

are some younger who've only heard about us & "there", but still they care, and

these are rare.  Your heart seems different.  There may be the Good Side in

you; I may ask about that, in a few more additional years.  I was SO angry at the

waste, & SO bitter that there was NOTHING that I could do.  Today, too many

things---sights, sounds, smells---link me back up to that morning.  Nothing seems as important like it wants itself to be.  I thought, like you said it would be, that my immunity to these memories would increase, but nothing since that moment has made any difference in my life to make it better, at all, ever, yet. ("Yet" is important.)  My desolation at that moment hasn't waned.  The wounds are still, open, deep furrows, but waiting for what seed??



"To Human Dignity the ultimate offense

is not HATE, but the sin of indifference."