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Something about you
Folder:
My thoughts There's something about you
that makes me shiver.
There's something about you
that captures my attention.
Yes, there's something about you
that draws me to you,
that makes me wonder about who
you really are.
There's something about you
that makes me smile.
There's something about you
that captures my heart.
You seem amazing, and someone special.
Someone that would never hurt me.
Someone who would be there for me,
and who would understand me.
There's something about you
that is appealing to me.
There's something about you
that captures my soul.
Nice job
Yeah, this poem is good, because its not just words, but words from you heart, and that means something. Its honest, raw (by this I mean not "ornate" or "embellished") and beautiful. Maybe a few sentences could use a little work (don't lose that simplicity that you have in this, though!).
There's a few verses that make me just pause, because there's something really real in them, so keep them! Anyway that's my opinion:
"There's something about you
that makes me shiver."
***
"...there's something about you
that draws me to you,
that makes me wonder about who
you really are."
***
"There's somthing about you
that captures my heart."
(Something? :P)
***
"Someone that would never hurt me."
***
"There's something about you
that captures my soul."
Cheers,
Adam_San
I'm glad u liked it, what did
I'm glad u liked it, what did u think needed work?
<3
just thoughts...
Well, the way I write is kinda a rough draft first.... and when the time comes, I might see words or arrangement I think could be changed for the better, and so I make revisions. Several times over. But you gotta be careful not to stifle that "freshness" and "you-ness" that this poem has... does that make sense?
At least... thats me. Perhaps my view is limited :)
... but my thought was maybe changing the "You seem amazing, and someone special" to something that says the same thing, but more grammatically. (Maybe you were trying to keep the line short?)
Cheers,
Adam_San
Lol okay, I'll puzzle over
Lol okay, I'll puzzle over what u said =P
<3
Hey no, don't worry - it made
Hey no, don't worry - it made sense in my head, but perhaps I should explain myself adequately. What's not clear?
Cheers,
Adam_San
"But you gotta be careful not
"But you gotta be careful not to stifle that "freshness" and "you-ness" that this poem has... "
<3
Oh, what I mean is don't
Oh, what I mean is don't sacrifice the part of the poem that comes from who you are - it makes the poem "fresh" and "unique." In my first comments, I mentioned parts of the poem that really expressed yourself well. Does that make more sense, perhaps?
Cheers,
Adam_San
yups! Alot, lol!
yups! Alot, lol!
<3
lol its good. I like it alot,
lol its good. I like it alot, :) you should be able to access that place, even if people do not. Cause if you like it, then thats all that matters. No body else matters really. Find that place hon, and keep the key to that door, for when you need inspieration later on.
-Elfy*
Lol okay! =D I'll keep
Lol okay! =D I'll keep searching for it!!!
<3
Great write. We've all had
Great write. We've all had that someone or have the now
Thank you. I'm glad you like
Thank you. I'm glad you like it!
<3