Author Information
Hypocrit
Sunrise glints across the water
I stand watching my family
Have fun with me the bystander
Just standing as the wannabe
Lush water wafting up to my ankles
Shading darker as deeper
Splashes get to me and trickle
Down my spine invoking shiver
I'm not alone as I sit
Not brave enough for hydrotherapy
On the menacing beach a hypocrit
Since I spoke before ability to see
Carnal footsteps follow me
On the walk back a wimp
With my earnest cold family
Trudging to our inocculate camp
On your replacement word
I see where you make the connection for *carnal*..In the previous verse it would fit with *menacing beach*, but I think, and I COULD be wrong, but in the last verse, carnal footsteps would imply *stalking*,,predatory,primal,,however...whereas I think either, *hollow* footsteps echo me or follow me..something like that fits better,,to imply feeling defeated or embarrassed *on the walk back a wimp*..hollow rhymes with follow as I look at this so my preference would be *hollow footsteps echo me*, on the walk back a wimp. To imply the defeat or embarrassment on the walk back..Do what feels right to you,I do not assume to dictate I only *suggest* and it IS your poem , you know what you want to get across.I would enjoy your feedback on mine. I would recommend some to read if you like. My personal favorites.. Dragon Child,,The Perfect Storm,,A Scream Of Unfathomed Sorrow,,No Greater Fury,,A Wall So Great..you are very talented..Keep writing, if what I have seen so far is this impressive in as younge as you are I can only imagine how great a poet you are yet to be..Hugglesssss raven_hair.
on replacement word
for terraneous. I see the connection that you make for *Carnal* which ties to the previous verse with *menacing beach*,,but..I think that in the next verse when you are walking back a wimp, that carnal is out of place..whereas just a suggestion maybe,. *hollow footsteps echo me, on the walk back as a wimp* something like that to show nothing *animal or primal or predatory as with *carnal*,,,but *hollow* as in defeated or embarrassed by your fear if you get my meaning..hollow footsteps follow or hollow footsteps echo would be my suggestion...But it IS your poem,please do what makes YOU happy..I only suggest..
Hugglessss raven_hair
Hypocrit
I find it strange that this poem based on your authors notes is your least favorite of the three and MY favorite of the three,,,it seems to flow as softly and simply as the *Lush water wafting up to my ankles*..though the word *terraineous is kind of out of place to me maybe a better word I think could be there .just a suggestion...but I like the rest of that phrase @ "footsteps follow me,On the walk back as a wimp"..as I have said in my previous comment,,the talent is there and impressive..keep it up.....
Thanks!
I love to hear what I can change about the poem. What do you think about me replacing that word, Terraineous, with Carnal? I think it actually follows my train of thought a little bit better. Again, thanks!
- Zachariah