Loneliness

Folder: 
Belief Related

Like falling endlessly from the vast sky

Like drowning hopelessly in the deep sea

If only I could fly

Or could swim and be free

Expectations heaped onto my weak head

Sympathy not given anywhere here

Taking back what I said

I have a sickly fear

Nothing to grasp, nothing to help me out

My judges watching me cry and suffer

They look on me with doubt

Wishing I was tougher

No way to impress, no way to courage

I try my best, they see nothing of it

I wishing to flourish

I thrashing in a fit

I can't stop the pain, the awful feeling

Water fills my lungs, wind leaves me breathless

Never to be healing

I am always strengthless

Disappeared; I see them hang their heads

They put more weight on me to die faster

They will sleep in their beds

I with my disaster

Why can't I just succeed? I try so hard!

I will never be good enough, never

A sharp and stabbing shard

To cut deep and sever

God I saw the moon at one point up there

The light, the hope, the strength I need today

Will you once ever share?

I see it gone away

I see down there the end, while you, oh God

While silence pervades, I know you are there!

I am completely flawed

This wall just will not tear!

How are you omnipresent, yet not here?

Suffering was to come, but not like this

I valued you so dear

I will never see bliss

But what is bliss, since I have not known it?

Is it not the after life in Heaven?

I am filled with grit

I don't want this breath in

But why? In death I can find paradise

I try too hard, when I should just trust Him

Avoiding my own vice

God alone makes me prim

I can do nothing for myself, but He...

He gives me life, meaning, and a future

E'en in my darkest plea

He is my soul searcher

He knows I was never meant to be good

But sees me as such anyway, therefore

I will let go of brood

And seek Him even more

Then adrenaline surges through my veins

Scared, but comforted by the choice I made

The dimming of my pains

My price already paid

No need to stress, just need to let go now

Only He can change the ways of my mind

I don't need to know how

His control, a great find

Close my eyes and deafen my ears

Trying to hold back all the tears

As I let go from this place

Hope inside to see His face

Drowning deeper and deeper down

Falling and approaching the ground

Life surrendered; dead to here

My thoughts and self disappear 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this last year when I was going through a very hard time with loneliness and depression. I wrote this poem to reflect what I was feeling and only wrote half of it at that time (obviously the first depressing portion). Then later I found what I believe to be the answer in fighting that loneliness and depression and finished the poem to create this. I used the analogy of falling from the sky and drowing to emphasize the feelings of loneliness and helplessness. I couldn't imagine being by yourself and falling to your death with no parachute or not knowing how to swim and being in the middle of a dark ocean. It describes perfectly that sense of suspense; knowing you are going to die but still trying to fight it hopelessly. These situations I used in parallel to trying to live up to everyone's expectations. The judges in the poem signify anyone who expects a ton from you, but gives you no encouragement or advice. They just watch you fail miserably even though you are trying your hardest. The darkest point of my poem, I feel is when the judges decide to deem the victim hopeless and even help quicken the death process; in this case by tethering weights to the drowning victim. The poem then turns into the victim's self reflection. The victim, much like myself, sees their own flaws and blames themselves for everything, finding himself even more worthless than before. I bring God into the situation because I believe He exists and I believe in His truth, but sometimes I don't always want to or see the benefit in it all. It's similar with the moon, how you know it does not emit its own light, but sometimes it's kind of hard to believe. There is a lot of contrasting ideas or conflicting circumstances in this poem which I love to use to add confusion and another layer of depth. Near the end of the poem the rhyme scheme and meter changes as the victim finds the answer to this situation. Essentially letting go and letting a Higher Power take care of it. Just setting your mind to the goal, the end result, which for this victim is Heaven. It's a hard life lesson I haven't even fully learned yet. Realizing that the pain isn't all there is to life and there is possibly a brighter after life. The victim allows himself to calmly die and "rest in peace" essentially in the end. He has been given hope and no longer struggles to control things and fight what will inevitably happen.

 

Hope you all liked it! Please leave a comment giving me advice, criticism, encouragement, anything! I would appreciate it!

bishu's picture

Time will heal everything respected nightmare13

Liked your wordy post.Read your comments in detail. Time will heal everything respected nightmare13... Trust in God.. Keep urself busy in your work or hobby. Listen to music and keep company of people whom you like and keep away from those you don't like. Soon you'll feel as light as rain & happy.


©bishu