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There was a time when I didn't have faith

Back when I was filled with hate and pleaded for hate's case

But that time has gone, I'm baring witness to God's love

Give me a second ... I'll show you what it consists of



Why?

The belly of the beast encompassed my hopes and dreams,

I've swayed from having faith 'cuz nothing is ever what it seems.

I thought I had a team that would ride with me forever,

And I thought I had a God that would help it all get better.

I've sent him numerous letters and never received a reply,

Then the tears dried up and the praying just ceased....

I don't tilt my head to the sky.

Because the dark rainy clouds are all that hover above my head,

Now when I'm searching for answers at night I pull the cover above my head.

I was a lover of what he said until I started to listen for answers,

I never questioned the depression- But I never understood the cancer.

Now I live within the shadows but I'm not a pawn of Satan,

I'd love to still have faith but 20 years is a lot of waitin.

And debatin with your own self- And questioning your own sanity,

How can it be that the Lord almighty chose this Life to hand to me.



First and foremost; You must always remember He'll never leave you

And though you're losing faith, He still believes in you

See, you call on Him in darkness, when life isn't quite right

But when happiness comes, you don't acknowledge His light

You don't praise the Father for giving strength or taking pain away

Yet when you're weak and hurting you blaspheme His name all day

Understand, your trial and error was designed for you to become better

And though He doesn't send emails, He still receives your letters

He still hears yours prayers, sees your tears, and understands your pain

How else do you explain your walking in and out of life's rain?



The pain has never been taken- He's forsaken me many times,

I've never claimed to be perfect I've committed many crimes.

But I've repented in many lines- I was blind but I cleared my sight,

And when darkness is all around you it's impossible to see the light.

I was blessed with the ability to fight but I can't say that I'm thankful,

Cuz death would be much easier than living a Life this painful.

I'm shameful for what I've done but in my heart there lies the truth,

I've done it all on my own- Not a soul alive could fit my shoes.

I've paid my dues and I've prayed- I've slaved myself to belief,

I've never asked him for a miracle- Just a little help, some relief.



Has He not helped and relieved you, by keeping you alive?

Does your pen not flow, from words He's placed into your mind?

What great crime have you committed for you to say He has forsaken you

Believe when I say, there is nothing you have done that's made Him hate you

And yes you've repented with words, which you've placed in rhyme

But have you've repented with your heart, your soul, your mind?

See, that is what He wants, not part of you, but all of you

How can He come, if you hide so much of you?

And if you're only willing to give pieces of what is your life

How fast should He come and how hard should He fight?

If it were you with your child, who constantly questioned you

What would you do when that child called upon you?



My child would never wait and suffer before I stepped in,

I'd at least acknowledge his cries so he'd know I never left him.

And keeping me alive has only prolonged the suffering,

I'm not wishing for my death but I am looking for something.

Anything would be better than this question mark inside me,

I don't need for him to carry- Just to walk beside me.

Guide me on this journey- But in the end it's too late,

Belief is in the mind and my disbelief is too great.

Too frustrated to wait for him to decide to show up,

I was forced to be a man when I was just trying to grow up.

My spirituality remains but my heart has become frozen,

I only give you pieces because it hurts too much to be open.

But it hurts more to be hoping and to only be let down,

But I've bounced back and I'm good- I'm happy where I'm at now.



He's acknowledged your cries and steps in quite often

Why else do you think you haven't been one with a coffin?

And He's never let you down; your expectations are just lower now

That is the true reason ... You're happy where you're at now

It is He whose give you hope and allows you to be spiritual

If that wasn't the case, He would've been got rid of you

How else do you explain your search for what you cannot see

It's obvious your question mark, is really a "G"

He gives you hope and allows you to keep fishing

'Cause He knows your potential and has placed you on this mission

See, I was once, where you're currently at

Then truth hit me, informing God had my back

And He also has yours, He just hasn't fully revealed

Again, if you question, think of how many times you could've been killed

It was then that He carried you and still today walks beside you

You know of your tribulations, I need not remind you

I just hope with this, you'll give all of yourself and allow Him in

So you'll know as I know, where true love begins



That love begins with me- I tried loving him for years,

But I ended up with broken dreams, lost hope and tears.

I was lost within my fears- I'm the only one who can save me,

All those times I could've been killed- A Guardian Angel saved me.

Made me into the man who sits here and spews facts,

I'm up too far against the wall for anyone to have my back.

I've looked inside my self and have found the missing link,

And it isn't looking to an empty sky or filling pages with ink.

To think of the way I once was- I shutter at the mere thought,

We go through our whole lives, simply believing what we're taught.

You can call it blaspheme, but it's more absurd to never change,

I too once stood in the place where you stand...

Now you're the Yin and I'm the Yang.