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I Have Failed, But I Have Been Led Successfully Despite My Failures
Last night, I saw on broadcast television the early images transmitted by the James Webb Space Telescope.
This convicted me of a recent failure---my attempt to change my screen name and identity from Starward to J9th. The difference between them, and what makes one eminently right and the other selfishly wrong, is that I received the former, both in its original form, Starwatcher, and the form it evolved to as Starward. I took the name J9th; it was never received.
The process of Starwatcher to Starward began on a Friday night in July, 1974 (I was not then prudent enough to notate the exact date): a voice woke me from sleep, and told me to step outside and look at the stars. This was sometime after midnight, according to my parents---who found me standing in our driveway looking at the stars. The noise I had made existing the house had awakened them. The ordered me to "Get back in the house and back to bed!" and I did not feel inclined to confide in them what had led me out there. Then, two years later, on July 10, 1976, my friend Cerulean asked me a question that led me to receive the appellation, Starwatcher, as my c.b. handle---and this became a tremendously liberating experience. I was far more comfortable as Starwatcher than as the name I often heard from others' mouths, "Fairy Jerry." Starwatcher was never, ever, called a fairy. Then, reading through the collected poems of Thomas Jones Jr., one of the early twentieth century's foremost Christian Poets (and a high church Anglican), I read the word starward in his sonnet on Saint Benedict. To me, that felt like Jones . . . who reposed in 1930, just a few weeks short of his fiftieth birthday . . . had given me the word to use.
I am also quietly amused that the James Webb was passively involed in this process for me, as my first foray into science fiction (an unfinished novel that I worked on from December, 1973 through September, 1974) was inspired by a magazine article depicting and descirbing the satellite Pioneer 10 or 11 (again, I was not prudent enough to retain the article into adulthood, although the copy I had clipped from the magazine remained with me until I matriculated in September 1976). The kind of event-rhyme, so to speak, of these two incidents is not lost upon me, dense and unwise as I, even in my old age, have been.
If, however, you find this amusing, and worth ridiculing, I am happy to provide even you with a little amusement. Identity has always been a struggle for me---being an adopted child, socially awkward, and failing (according to society's imposed prejudices) to conform to expectations of behavior, and to fail to achieve according to those expectations. I suspect this identity confusion will continue to pester me while I am in this flesh.
Thank you for sharing this brief reading moment with me.
Starward
fka J9th
fka Fairy Jerry
Although it's always your
Although it's always your prerogative to change your name, or have as many names as you choose, I always thought your given name, Starward, best tells the story of you. It's the best signature, in my humble opinion, of your journey.
Of course, you're free to disagree with this and change your name at any time, but for now, I'm thrilled that a glimpse of unspeakable splendor brought you back to those amazing moments in your life when you touched infinity and touched Truth.
I never fail to be amazed and moved by all the signposts in your remarkable life and the poetic way you unfold them.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for understanding. Have you seen the photographs from the James Webb? I was overwhelmed by them, and though they depicted a much more distant view, they reminded me of that night in July of 1974. And I just can't turn my back on that. Nor on the gift I found, like an Easter Egg (painted robin's egg blue?), in Thomas Jones' sonnet on Saint Benedict.
J-Called
The Easter egg was a
The Easter egg was a mind-boggling find and certainly no coincidence.
Yes, I've seen the images and was beyond amazed, but after reading this moving account of just how powerful they were to you, I'm considering writing a poem about the effects of these indelible images on humanity. I haven't been too inspired to write lately, but you lit a fire under me with your expression. Thank you!
Of course. Robin's egg blue. How fitting. God bless.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your understanding of this small essay, and also for writing and posting your poem, which I have just read a few moments ago. You bestowed a great gift upon me with that mention in the Notes section. Tp be connected to such a Poem, as stated by the great Poet herself, is a privilege of the rarest order. Thank you so very much.
J-Called