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Night Terror
God! There it is again. Shit, control the breathing, can’t even hear myself think. Pipes – no, wind through trees – no, cat coming in – yes, yes that’s it, bloody mog. Ahhhhh, thank god. I hate getting so scared...............................”Meeeeaaaaaoooooow”
Gulp, shit, shit, shit, shit... what the hell are you doing in here, you never sleep in here! Oh my god, oh my god...breathing, slow down! Feet on stairs..No, this is NOT funny. Cold sweat, hair on end, panting out of fear. Disbelieving terror watching the door open as a darker shadow in the dark.
“Lie still and I won’t hurt you”
Crawling backwards up the bed, only realising I’m moving when my back hits the cast iron bed head. “Ha Ha Ha Ha” fast, monotonous, involuntary notes on the outbreath.
Hands on my ankle. I kick. He pulls and I’m dragged down the bed. I kick again to get back away. His fingers on my face, either side of my mouth, making a ridiculous moue. “Nooooooooo, Nooooooo, Nooooooo, Pleeeeeeease” I’m keening. I’ve never used the word before, but I know that’s what it is. Visceral, like a cornered animal.
Trying to curl on my side. “Gaaaaaaaaahhh” Eye’s saucer wide. Looking down, Blood! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Looking up. He’s interested. Oh god, he’s not angry, or excited, he’s interested.
“Please don’t hurt me”. Nonsensical, too late. He holds my wrists with one hand, kneels across my thighs and with an underhand grasp on the handle slowly...slowly pushes the point of the knife into the hollow on the right side above my hip.
I’m going to die. Calm. Sadness. Floating above. Tears. Dark welcome from the edges coming in and away.
