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3:30 in the morning, staring into that looking glass

With blurred and teary eyes as I hear its evil laughs

Powerlessly tormenting my own body, corrupting my mind

Shouting obscenities at myself for what my eyes always find

And again I sense this loss of control I can’t overtake

Unless I senselessly break all the vows I make

To my family, to my friends and to myself and to God

That promise again and again I forgot

To keep this promise I make every day of my life

Knowing I’m going to fail again tomorrow as I failed tonight

And I see the disgusting look on my face

As I take a warm cloth to wash the acid away

And I sigh and I’m tired and weak at my knees

Crying out to God but does He hear my pleas?

But I feel numb to what I know I truly love

This Supernatural Force I so often speak of

Telling of how He’s full of mercy and grace

But again tonight as I wash my face

All hopelessness sets in, and I know He cares

But it just feels like there’s no feeling there

And surrender never came naturally to me

So often I try to hand it to Him on bended knee

But then I beg for Him not to take it away

And I ride the same vicious cycle day after day

Creating a fiend I so desperately want to leave behind

But I can’t because I need it just this one last time

Awake at 4:00 in the morning, so tired and weak

From the time I’ve spent for solutions I seek

And each one is more hopeless than the one before

So I just don’t want to think about it anymore

But it haunts my mind, into my dreams it creeps

Its silent imagery lingers around as I sleep

Awaken in sweat, crying in fright

And it enraptures me again the very next night

Secretly controlling everything I am

But I can’t give it up, I need it again

I love it, I hate it, it makes me so numb inside

I can’t when I want to, and when I don’t, I can’t hide

From this fiend, this enemy that manipulatively creates

The person I’ve become, the one being I hate

I’m no longer who I used to be

I’ve become about it, it’s become me

And no one understands, I don’t expect them to

Cuz they don’t know why I do what I do

Everyone wants to help, but I don’t know if they can

They tell me to stop, but they don’t understand

I can’t, and I want to, if I could, then I don’t

But they say it’s not that, it’s just that I won’t

It’s always been there since so long ago

And I love it, it’s mine, and it’s all that I know

It’s the only thing I, myself could control

But now I can’t cuz it’s overpowered my soul

There’s no first step tiny enough to take

Cuz it’s too big of a promise for me not to break

Don’t make me promise I won’t do it again

I can’t, and like before, it will just be broken

Everything I find; you take it away

But this is mine, and it’s mine to stay!

Cuz I can’t give it to You, I know I should

And if I could, don’t You think I would?

Maybe I wouldn’t cuz I’m too confused

And in everything else, I’m destined to lose

But it’s You I love, and it’s You I adore

But no one can see it now like they could before

There’s nothing I had that I can regain

And it’ll happen again cuz it’s always the same

Overridden with guilt, overpowered by shame

Knowing that I’m the only one to blame

And my family and friends are mad, God seems so distant

It’s all I have left; it’s there in an instant

It fights with me, screaming out that I’m ugly and fat

But it promises it will resolve all of that

And maybe my body is what it will hurt

And it may very well bury me in the dirt

But right now it comforts me as my best friend

Promising me to be there until the very end

And though it’s bad, and it brings me down

It’s the only thing in my life that sticks around

It doesn’t leave me like friends often do

It’s constant and comforting security, too

I hate it and love it, it’s constantly there

Visiting me when I’m unaware

And it feeds me and empties the pain

Filling me up with guilt and shame

But promising to calm all my nerves

And take away all the heartaches and hurts

It’s a bad monstrous disease

But at the same time it comforts my needs

Temporarily, but revives itself

And numbs my heart on the highest shelf

Where it belongs so it can’t feel

This friend is an enemy, and my life, it might steal

But right now I need it, so don’t take it away

I can’t say goodbye to it. Not today.