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slashing against

the wall of pending

nothingness

the storm slaps down

further

the already too worn

idea of me

as the future laughs

openly

at my dreams

and everything once so

beautiful

twists out of reach

as the hurt in me screams

and becomes cold and ugly

in the slumped aftermath

I've been such a fool

yet again

and I'm soooo good at that role

its sickening

and such fool deserves

this tumultuous tilt

I lose every time when I start

growing just a little confidant in

love

I'm bad through and through

always wearing the unknown self illusion

of good

I must be broken somehow inside and

just don't know it

incapable of being truly deeply loved

why can't feeling be friendly

and just leave me out of this

gut ripping loop

untouched

unwounded

uncut

unharmed

the darkness now waits its turn

and in my disbelief

of the moment

I have no defenses

against it

so

weakly once again

in my starved lowness

I succumb

apologetic

all the same

but as always

a reduced version

of me

weaponless

without any true wit

now to hide behind.....

(Oct 25,2000 9pm)