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Awake
True it be, my heart's turned blue,
and all my dreams are dead.
An empty feeling fills my day,
'cause all seems done and said.
And how I think, I know it's true,
the whole thing it's my fault.
So turned to gray my sunlit day,
placed clear skies to a hault.
Can't hold within my sorrows now,
my tears flow through the crowd.
Can't cast away my bleakness now,
so dark to be my cloud.
Too hopeless now to try and rise.
I'm only doomed to fade.
Too lost to start anew again.
Best wither in the shade.
'Cause I've lost all the reasons that so once did make me free.
And I've lost all the seasons that once found you here with me.
My final day, it's in the cards, no truth can now be found.
Come let me die alone right now without a single sound.
Drop the rhymes..not only
Drop the rhymes..not only don't you do them well, they are archaic and juvenile.
Thanks for your comments...
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them, as well as the time you took to read this. This is written more as song lyrics than it is as poetry. I'm not attempting here to be that precise in the sense of the structural aspects of traditional poetic meter. I sometimes write around the thoughts of certain melodies I conjure up here, and deliberately post some of my stuff on here as song lyrics. I often strive for the more simplistic rhyming schemes, but this is intentional, and I seem to find this somewhat common in a lot of the songs I listen to on the radio. It would seem difficult, however, to change this to the point to where there are no longer any rhymes in it, and I tend to think that the piece would still take on the nature of being juvenile even without them. Personally, I do in no way consider this an impressive or worthwhile piece of work in the technical ways of rhyming structure, therefore can understand what you are saying. Once more, I truly appreciate your comments, and entirely respect your opinions on my poems. Take care.