Book 1: The Rise of the Apocalypse

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Chapter 1: The Boring Introduction

         Once upon a time...no thanks that's too cliche. eherm! let's start this in a new way, my way. Who am I you ask. Well I am you. Yes you, that third person perspective that looms over this haunted book. To put this simply I am your conscious, and now you are conscious of your own conscious being conscious of your awareness of your conscious conscious. That was confusing so let's forget that and go to the introduction of the story. In the year 100 BC the world was in calamity. The greek, egyptian, and norse gods all united to fight under one flag to take down the enemy known as Rome. The expansion of the roman empire led to the forceful recession of the old religions. Therefore the gods under the name EU (European Union) fought the roman gods in an epic clash known simply as the "Heavenly War". With this our story starts as the last god Dionysus the Drunk was left standing (fell drunk at the start of the battle and was believed dead). This story follows him and his journey into creating the most lucrative and relaxing world ever. "I the god Dionysus vow to establish the greatest and most lucrative world ever where all people can enjoy! With this I shall change my name to Lucifer the bringer of Light!" He said, if only he knew the truth.

Chapter 2: A Challenger Approaches

         "It seems as if finally those other gods finished their squabbles. I can finally get some good sleep..." thus spoke Yaveh. "It's quiet, too quiet. Almost as if something important is supposed to happen...oh well who cares! Back to sleep!" it was at this moment the author realized he forgot to give the script to Yaveh; he quickly rushed to the postal office to send the script but the postal service's express delivery only works through marathon runner (since it's 50BC) therefore it will take between X-XIV business days to reach Yaveh. We will come to this later.

         The starting point for Lucifer's quest was to establish communism, so he gave life to Karl Marx. Lucifer enjoyed the optimistic form of Marx yet when he placed it in practice it failed miserably. Demotivated by his first attempt he later attempted the creation of new worlds, he made two; A beautiful world with beaches, mountains and other great landmarks, and a burning pit where there was enormous amounts of lava, fire, and smoke. He promptly named the two, Purgatory and Hugely Enjoyable Luxury Land (HELL). Lucifer believed that he was headed the right direction with his quest for world domination--I mean sharing the joys of pleasure throughout the world. It was not until HE showed up.

         The god Yaveh had finally received the script sent by the author who was at the time eating a delicious breakfast of moldy bread w/margarine after three days without eating (being a writer does not pay well). "I the god Yaveh will take down the lecherous demon known as Lucifer. In return I Yaveh will receive the compensation of 45.00$ USD paypal." and so Yaveh spoke. This was all that was written on the script for this chapter for the others please pay the DLC expansion pack to our financial advisors at EA Business Company Ltd. Thank you.

Chapter 3: DLC Expansion Pack (199.99$ USD)

         "I've finally done it!" Exclaimed Lucifer as he joyfully jumped out of his chair. "I Lucifer Von Diablo Satan of Beelzebub have finally completed the necessary preparations of HELL!!!" He was most overjoyed as this was the first time Dionysus--I mean Lucifer had actually put effort into anything, and it was worth the effort indeed. The paradise know as HELL was completely remodeled as Lucifer had implemented new features to the location. There was a total of three beach side resorts, each of them with pool and jacuzzi; two ski lodges with sauna and hot springs, and one vine yard the size of california. Lucifer had built all this and still had time to build countless restaurants, nightclubs, and pubs (these were his specialty). The only problem about HELL was that he needed a way to power everything so he thought and experimented until he finally achieved a satisfactory result. Using the thermoelectric energy from the other world Purgatory he could power the entirety of HELL with only one generator. The only problem was the source of the flames of that world--souls--therefore to fuel purgatory, lucifer would bring malignant souls from earth and burn them like charcoal in purgatory. (Fun Fact: did you know that when souls burn they scream in pain and agony and make crackling sounds just as when you burn wood?)

Chapter 4: Christianity

         While Lucifer was preoccupied with his paradise, Yaveh was experiencing a transformation, an awakening if such. "I wish to understand what my followers think of life on earth and if they enjoy it." this said Yaveh as he turned into a baby boy soon to be born. Yaveh sent the best accommodations for his stay yet due to budget cuts he had to swindell and accept what he got."A pig stine thats where im born?! At the very least let me have a good name--We'll call him Jesus of Nazareth--F*CK!!!" This thought the young lord as he heard his mother's voice. Yaveh, not Jesus set out to into his life to truly learn of his followers. He found out they had a lack of discipline yet he thought "this must be what they are needing, an example! so that they can truly learn the pure and honest way to heaven. If only he know the trials and tribulations he must overcome to achieve this; he may not know but we sure do.

Chapter 5: The Rise of the Apocalypse

         "Grand senate! grand Roman senate! we have terrible news!" said the messenger. The Roman senate looked at the boy and said "what is it then? if it is of trivial importance forget it as we are currently in debate!", the messenger with fear in his heart said to the outraged senate, "It's the Oracle of Venus sir! She has passed sir! She left an important prophecy sir as well." The senate dumbfounded exclaimed for a response "Well! spit it out!"; "Yes Sir! She has stated the following words as is Upon a star above lay the king of all, on a *cough* bed of hay may he not make way. A demon he'll slay as you take him away! Demon of *cough* he will destroy and all of his kingdom he shall enjoy *dead*" the messenger said this as he impaled himself in order to visualise the death of the oracle. "This is something we cannot ignore! This man is headed to kill us all. We must eliminate him before he can eliminate Rome!" the senate full of rage set out to find this man a man who would later be known as Jesus.

Chapter 6: The Unknown

         It was a simple summer day in 15 AD Jerusalem yet it was not. There was a uncertainty looming, a cold yet warm feeling, as if the desert had been covered in frost and it's people in fur coats. There was a rush of Nordic winds and as well as tempest seas. "We are far away from Asgard Odin!"; "Yes we have a my son Loki"; "Whoever this Lucifer fellow is he cannot match my power as I am the god of thunder Thor!" This said the three titans of Norse myth as they set on their quest to eliminate the mysterious entity known as lucifer.

Chapter 7: The First Miracle

         It is 16 AD and Jesus has just become a young adult with the potential to become great. It is the night of his birthday when a set of people come to ask his mother, Mary, help with buying wine from the liquor store. Jesus was tired from a long day of celebrating so he decided to himself "If I use a bit of my godly powers I can probably get some sleep early for tomorrow's exam at school..." therefore Jesus came and to satisfy the visitors he turned the water into wine. This marked the first miracle done by Jesus Christ as he would soon realize his fate and mission would play a grander role than he would ever imagine. This is yet to be true as the visitors were too drunk to realize what happened and his mother was busy cooking dinner to notice. "I cannot believe that those mongrels did not even appreciate my act of kindness and greatness! God dammit!" Said the lord in a more than upset fashion. "Very well! if no one is to notice my deeds then I shall write about them myself!" and so Jesus Christ would write an autobiography about him and every good or impressive deed he did, though obviously with a bit of bias and narcissism. (He would write his experiences via third person so it was more epic)

Chapter 8: The Beginning to The End

         It has come to lucifers attention that there is an obstacle to his master plan. A man by the name of Jesus is the problem; an issue he must fix indeed. If Jesus continues to spread the idea of a life without sin then therefore his paradise of HELL would be in danger as without souls to power the generators in purgatory there will be now power to enjoy the luxuries of hell. "I must find a way to stop this man he cannot be let free! I must find a way!" lucifer thought and thought again as he soon came to a plan of action. He had devised the most brilliant master plan of all, but, to see this plan you must wait; wait for the sequel that is hahaha!!!