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A Time For Hate
The guillotine of fate, is slowly comming down
Upon the heads of the innocent, all of whom wear frowns
Good cannot be found, throughout this evil place
Ruled by people who judge others with a smile upon their face
Ths clock is slowly ticking, fate it seems is late
As time passes inevitably, the evil humans wait
The minutes and the hours pass, more heads continue to drop
Evil has finally taken over, malevolent deeds will never stop
OK. I see you've been getting a lot of praise for your writing, but let me offer some constructive criticism. You're not going to get anywhere without suggestions for improvement, and I'm sorry if you take offense in this.
First of all, you seem like you're trying way too hard. Like you're trying to portray emotions that you yourself have yet to experience. Now I don't know if that's true, but I don't get a sense of reality from your writing. Try writing what you know. Don't get me wrong. I like your poems. I just think they can be so much better than what they are now. I hope this didn't upset you as that wasn't my intent.
Now if you're wondering how I know you, or if you're still reading this, I can't say I know you personally. Your name seems vaguely familiar and I know a friend of mine added you once under my AOL Screen name. Now you know the story of my life ;) Feel free to IM me or email me or whatnot. And also feel free not to do so. I'll be checking back soon to read more of your poems.
-LF
hey i havent read ur stuff in a while but im sure as hell glad i've gotten around to it, holy shit your stuff rocks, ima watch out someone might take my place as lyrix master hahaha. keep on writing i luv this stuff!
luv,
Marina