PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I don’t know why I feel like someone punched me in the gut and sucked the oxygen out of me. I can barely stay awake anymore. My breaths are shallow, and my will to survive has almost completely dissipated. Some days I lie in bed all night letting my daily chores pile up to match the mess in my head.



The only explanation for this mood is to remember what I had two months ago and how it is all gone. I know I lost it because of my wayward ego, but at least I fell for the illusion of happiness. I used to have such big dreams for myself and everyone else. But when they didn’t come to pass right away I thought it was because I was foolish to even have these dreams in the first place.



I wanted to be a good influence in everyone’s life but the gravity of disappointment caused my face to frown more than smile, and my example did not do what I had hoped it would accomplish.      



Now I am back to where I started before this rollercoaster year: alone and as shy as ever. I don’t want to be around anyone and when I have no choice I am so fearful to be myself. A couple months ago, I didn’t even think about it. I was friendly, funny, everything I always thought I could be. But look where it got me.



I sit here with this heavy face, my fingers trying to keep my eyes open. I remember at my prime I was sleeping two-three hours a night and was feeling so awake. The more I sleep now the more I want to sleep.



I don’t want to walk through life with my eyes closed. I want to experience everything. I want to see, hear, taste, touch, smell all the beauty in this world but my senses are deadened. You can’t truly live without hope. And I’ve lost mine. I can’t believe that my life will change because I feel like I’m in a rut I can’t get out of. I am stuck in the mud of mediocrity. I don’t know where to even begin to pull myself out; I’m in too deep.



I don’t have the strength to forgive and let go. Every time someone doesn’t even realize I exist I take it personally although I’m the one hiding in the shadows. I complain that no one wants to be near me but none of them know me, at least not the good in me. Even I don’t know me anymore. I thought I caught a glimpse once, but she faded when she let fear take over all her dreams.  



I just want to be noticed. I want to stand out and for the right reasons. I want to be remembered. Maybe that’s where I had it wrong. It’s not about me; it’s about Him. He can pull me out of this rut of a situation if I just reach out my hand. But after 20 years of doing things on my own, I’m still hesitant. I think sometimes I like feeling down. I like blaming other people for my negative moods because then I have an excuse to stay stagnant. I’m still so afraid to see what He has in store for me. I don’t think I will ever succeed at life because I’m my own greatest disappointment.



So, I’m back at the start. The beauty of my position being I can erase all the mistakes I’ve made until now and begin with a clean slate. I open my eyes wide and let the sleepiness slip out so I can face this day with hope for what tomorrow will bring. I will not be scared for He is with me and He won’t lead me where I can’t survive. He has taken care of me until this point and He will until the end of my days. I have nothing to fear and no reason to not be smiling and alive with the truth of His love.